A Long time, it's on myspace I promise!

What do I know of compassion? Well, I know one person who’d say that at least. I think along with Compassion someone has to have a sense to understand or be empathetic towards someone. Notice it says no where “feel sorry for me.” It might mean, offering a helping hand or an open mind or listening ear. To me compassion is as little as saying “do you need anything?” A drink, a hug, a phone call. Some don’t know how hard it is to actually get something to drink or don’t understand you take 30 pills a day and by fact you need more to drink, mouth and throat get dry to the point it hurts to swallow.

I was just sitting here writing someone a letter; a “Letter to a Jane” (Ani sings “letter to a john, okkkk.) hopefully more catch the joke now! While writing this letter I began realizing different things I was uncompassionate about concerning my main pain. (Pain, not always physical.) where I was uncompassionate was not really accepting the contribution someone does make to my life, and I’ve only demeaned her for being no help at all. Yes, another “Letter to a Jane” is due!

Do you ever say “I’m going to change this now that I notice it?”

I shall try

Do you ever think and have honest sincerity to sit down and make things better between you and another but something just fucks that up? An action, the wrong thing said, or basically they push you to the extent your sincerity is gone and making things better is just hopefully another hour or day away?

I shall try not letting things piss me off so much and make the best of them until I no longer have to.

I feel I should be saying the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, The Knowledge to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Did I get that right?

Funny, here I was thinking “yeah, write bout the difference between Compassion and Feeling sorry for someone,” and did I hit that Cherry at all?

----Funny thing about cherry’s, since they’re mentioned here, is they taste good, you can totally use them to tease someone, and you even get the stem to play with and try tieing in knots!! Three things in one!

Well, I’m fried and have a headache, ironic it comes on when someone comes home and it’s just ATTITUDE!! People with fucking PMS should be locked in a fucking room with a opening for food and kept there till they’re over it! Oh, should I add without a computer? Shit no, they’d be able to break the lock then!

Oh, and anyone wanting other reading can go under nykkypoo@aol.com on Myspace!

Stilll but...

I can still look at her with the desire to touch her and still think, “damn she looks sexy.” I still want to try

talking about our days, though mine’s not that extravagant. I’ll check into volunteering at school. I can

still say I get jealous and it’s because I love her and there really is no clarity to the relationship. Even

writing this. I can say that I like knowing where I stand with someone, especially if it’s regarding my

relationship. I can still look at someone and say I’ve a girlfriend and tell them all the great things aside

from everything going on. I can still say I love you and mean it.

"We"

We’re cheated, we’re lied too, we’re kept in the blind, and still we are asked to be trusting of those that can’t even find the ones that hide. We sign up, we serve, we get hurt, and then are asked to jump through more hoop’s trying to get what’s entitled to us. We may have given up our lives unknowingly at any moment’s call even if not realizing it upon signing that dotted line. We hear things, we see things, we’re given that stats, then when it comes to hearing our say we’re shut out even before we’re shut up. We might not have known the dramatics to our call, we may have known nothing about our duty when called, but we still gave our consent. We are the mighty, we should be the proud, we should be the brave, we should have the knowledge, we have the funds, we need what was promised when we put our name’s on that dotted line.. We are Veterans as well We are citizens.

Ten Keys To Happiness- Chopra

Ten Keys to Happiness

Physical well being is inseparable from emotional well being. Happy people are healthy people. The wisdom traditions of the world tell us that happiness does not depend on what you have, but on who you are. Let's take a moment to reflect on what really creates happiness in us. The following ten keys, gleaned from the wisdom traditions, may give us some insight.

1. Listen to your body’s wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body, “How do you feel about this?” If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress, watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.

2. Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don’t struggle against the infinite scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.

3. Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn’t good for you.

4. Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.

5. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.

6. Know that the world “out there” reflects your reality “in here.” The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself.Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.

7. Shed the burden of judgment – you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.

8. Don’t contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.

9. Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.

10. Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet’s air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.

Love,
Deepak

www.chopra.com

Happiness! August Namaste'

Happiness


Happiness...we all crave it, seek it, work for it, demand it, command it, embrace it, and bathe in it. When it doesn’t materialize on cue, we are saddened and disappointed. And when it is swirling around us, we are often oblivious to its magic.

The late Indian philosopher and guru Osho tells a tale of going to a lake and laying in the cool, soothing water watching birds fly by and clouds drifting past a blue serene sky. Just by being present and drinking in the beauty and splendor of life, all his emotional turbulence drifted away replaced by peaceful thoughts and nurturing feelings. So happy was Osho that he shared this experience with a friend who was in emotional pain. The next day the friend raced down to the lake to experience happiness. Hours passed as he stared into the sky – he saw the soaring birds, he saw the puffy clouds, he felt the cool water…but where was this happiness that was supposed to be so attainable? He was still miserable and dissatisfied with his current state. Upon hearing his friend’s disappointing experience, Osho counseled him saying, “Happiness is not a target…it is a state only attainable by being in the present moment. Surrender to the moment and to the universe and happiness will unfold within you. Point yourself at the target of happiness…and you will miss.”

By experiencing the present moment–and being present in it-we are able to innocently and effortlessly understand feelings of happiness and celebrate them. This edition of Namaste honors happiness through present moment awareness. In this Namaste Deepak offers the keys to integrating physical and emotional happiness while David shares spiritual insights on happiness from ancient Vedic teachings.

www.chopra.com

family sucks sometimes!

To fly your nephew here and in the end spend up spending 5/15 days with him after no one was concerned with getting him here and then end up sending a note like this to your mom, 2 notes actually, but I bet I’ll get some money after she reads both her notes, oh well, I only seen her like once a week anyway for 10 minutes to bring supplies down. I know I’m overly upset but after being treated so badly so many times it builds up and I finally said something about coleen… without realizing every time my sister cried divorce my mom told her to leave her husband and they’re still together after 10 yrs, almost 11! But here’s the note, pretty harsh but if ya ask col it’s not nearly enough said.

i think i'll become like your other kids and you won't hear from me. that way you're not bothered by anything to do with coleen. not so different than missy calling each week to divorce nate... they made it through. you just really hurt me, you choose not to acknowledge certain things, and i'm the one with the problem. most parents would try including their other kids, it's not like i only like going to concerts but that seems to be the only thing you think i can do... i'm capable of a lot more just sorry you don't want to be included in that. you bought this thing to try out but we get the chance and it never happens. you and alanna wanted to see nate so bad but i'm the one who puts out the money for it, for missy to go to branson when i wasn't even invited, i guess it's my fault for being nice. i flew nate in so i could see him, the least you guys could've done was try to include me, not even when alanna fly's in do i hear about being included so that says enough about alanna. i'll call the va tomorrow and change my address for stuff, make it easier on you. i love you but i see more and more how differently i'm treated, really got to me this time.

Nickelback then Wendy WooWoo

First Nickelback…. Best show I’ve seen so far this summer! Then Wendy Woo at the Pavilions… WOW!! It was two nights of fun, well, missing Jazz at Jack’s for my nephew was an even trade off I think. He now wants to play the guitar all the more and can’t wait to go see Red Hot Chili Peppers… then he’ll really want to rock out. He was so cute just watching her fingers on the guitar. Amazzzzing guitarist, Wendy Woo… and then Nickelback’s not bad either, kidding. They put on a SHOW. Fire and fireworks. My legs were actually feeling the vibration as well as my butt! My nephew will have tons of inspiration… except he now wants to “play the bongos” on his guitar like Wendy Woo- he’d do more tappin’ than strumming’.
As for here, I’ve an interview tomorrow but really nobody to call back but 2 people. I’m praying because I know Col goes to morning shifts the 22nd and if anything I’ll have to live alone and pay the agency, can’t be both, I already know but I also know there’s no holding back on either of us… it’s the hours her and I have wanted her to get from day 1, seemed so hopeful till this morning nurse fell through. I think I’ll take C’s advice and at least get three trying or two but two days consistently to see one day, do it the next… most CNA’s are given a piece of paper and have to go off that! Not too much there right? I’ll trust C on it’s standing but geez, any longer and the two of us will no longer be friends… in my heart there’s more than that still and maybe it’s just because I’m a “hopeful” person and don’t really like to give up? Especially when you know how great it was and what happened… does that mean it can be fixed? Like the Tootsie Pop saying goes “the world may never know!” (time can only tell.) I have to be hopeful or I’ll have hoped myself into the world of true “handicapness.” (word?)

Cheers for a good shopping day! School clothes for my nephew, too many but hey, I’m his favorite handicap auntie… sick humor cuz he first said when a soccer ball was being kicked at him, “I’m hiding behind the handicap person she’s already hurt!” then he made sure I knew he was joking. Cute. Even col’s niece got an outfit, just hope she likes it. The one thing I don’t like is her assuming Col’s got all this money to spend on her but she doesn’t listen. Feel bad for Col cuz hell, I know she’d love to take her shopping for new clothes but even Nate is willing to work for it. Her neice is getting better each day she stay’s, more discipline because C don’t let her get away with stuff she usually might and it’s good for her to learn chores/allowance, money isn’t free. I hate knowing she’ll go back and all will be gone that C taught her. Just like my nephew and his saying everything’s “gay.” I noticed he’s tons better, I only got 50 cents today… each time he says that I get a quarter and he gets one if I swear- to an extent! Ha! Plus, she can be good when she warms up to ya but still tries to get away with stuff when C goes to work like any kid would do. Get her talking, oh boy, she’s like my nephew, can’t shutemup!

Ahhhhh……. And now, here’s for a good night, one can always hope. By good I don’t mean getting’ sex either, naughty! Plus, Coleen’s sick AND wouldn’t give it up anyway!

 

 

Ironic... Mile High Additives?!

A funny thought for some maybe: here at the “Mile High” city you’ll find an oxygen bar, with the altitude so high why an added oxygen bar? And different flavors too? Then again for those who need a lower pace there’s a Hookah Bar! ALL THIS IN ONE GREAT CITY! At least you can take your pick at what to inhale!?! I think we can call these Mile Highhhh Additives! Any other additives… aside from the one we all basically know?

 

strength

I keep reading and it seems God or the Goddess is handing out plenty of “lemons” right now. I may not know why I broke my neck but I figure if I start questioning why than one is saying “what did I do to deserve this?” going over and over what could have been to cause certain things is a neverending list let me tell you! “Everything happens for a reason,” however little the reason is… like writing this blog!

Recently I’ve felt I could not do this anymore, depend on people to sustain my daily needs… but I think back to how’ve always made it through all those other tough times I never thought I’d get through. One can think about that to sustain STRENGTH… think how much you’ve made it through before!

People see me as strong but I know differently, Coleen knows differently having dealt with me “hands on!” I always say I’m no stronger than anyone else… “you never know how much strength you have until put in the situation.” Don’t worry, someday it HAS to get better! Spinal Cord Research has come a long way!

I was having a good time with my nephew. He went camping overnight now, a tiny break and good experience for him! He’s so damn cute! My GAP kid! I love that he loves music too and loves Wendy Woo! He’s got good taste!

Things with Coleen… well, I can’t tell you if I’m single or not? Would be nice to know and feel that secure feeling. Till someday when I know

The pics first, journal tomorrow!

Till tomorrow when I'll journal a little bit more and I still need the East Coast pictures up here, me kissin the piggy bank and all. Finalllllllly, C and I took pics together.... about time! Hmm? What ya think about these pictures?

How?

how can i be a girlfriend, was i ever? when nothing can replace the one she never got a chance with? i can't compare and i expect more from my gf, wear my ring not hers. But the other thing is keeping a secret account since 2005! tell me if that calls me a dumbass?? Is it not my business when i'm supposaedly her love?? Do i expect too much? I feel lied to I guess because not even within talking about things did she say "well i have an account there.." and it's come up often. ugh. bedtime........

 

"Down"

I can’t win yet I can’t let myself lose

the strength to hold on, I get weaker with you

I thought it would change, I thought I could hold on

but I’ve nothing left to give, my strength is all gone

Baby we’ve tried, I just don’t know how, I look at myself

I’m just going Down

Honey I know, I needed you so, but we both know it’s time

we’re just going Down

Down to the deep, where words break our heart

but honey I’ve prayed, for a brand new start

I can’t think about you leaving, about the slam in my heart

the door was wide open, but you kept us apart

I thought it was me, thought maybe you

the places we go to, together me and you

But baby we’ve tried, I just don’t know how, I look at myself

I’m just going Down

Honey I know, I needed you so, but we both know it’s time

we’re just going Down

Down to the depths, of this broken heart

but honey I feel, you drove us apart

I know I can give more of myself, I know if you wanted I could be yours

the strength to give up, is going down on you

I tried it once before, I tried to start out new

but you don’t love the me that is, when I want you to love me too

But baby I’ve tried, I just don’t know how, I look at myself

I’m just going Down

Honey I know, I needed you so, but I know it’s time

I’m just getting Down

Down deeper, Down lower, Down to the ground

I’ve beat myself up, I’ve loved you so much

I just can’t keep going, Down to where I’ve gone

I’m tired of giving up, tied of giving in

but baby I can do it over, start loving once again

Jewel and Rob Thomas

LOOK FOR ME AND C IN HIS RED ROCKS VIDEO!!

Denver Pride!

So yes, we had fun Pride weekend Friday night, well all I can say is yummy! Me and Coleen had fun dancing but I did miss meeting everyone, guess I’m too young cuz nobody invited us either, dancing is more our thing if we can get out to do it. I won’t try anymore to meet anyone or anything because the mutuality of it all doesn’t seem to be there... everything happens for a reason, next time butttttttttttt I’ll probably be out dancing. I don’t much drink, would rather have a coke than a beer, say anything? I’ll be the drunk acting all drunk. The Go-Go Dancers were sexy too so who could pass that up? We were out till 1:30 which isn’t late for some but here it is when you still have about 30-45 min to also get in bed.

Saturday we want to The Fray concert which I’ve pics of also but most didn’t turn out. We did take some good video with the camera, makes me want a bigger memory card! How to make it on a cd/dvd now?? Help?? It was indeed great but I hope for Red Rocks he doesn’t have his back to half the people! We were going to go to Silke’s club party but couldn’t remember where it was luckily cuz C needed sleep... crabby otherwise. Yet if we went out and stayed till 3am I’d still have to wake up at 8am for a nurse, not fair she’d get to sleep in.

Sunday was a doozy. We argued halfway through the day ruining it entirely. I left the van wide open at the PO because I thought Col was still there and walked home... where she was too, ha! I guess we both know now what we say is what we’ll do. I figure cut this east coast trip down 2/3 days, save $500, why we going? Shoot if only for the concert then maybe just a couple day trip, I don’t get much feedback but it’d be nice to know kinda what our plans are. I never gave thought the dang 1800# calling could be The David Letterman show till now, maybe I’ll pick up next time. Ellen’s show called from a 800#!

The biggest disappointment was the three stooges totally ignoring me... Friday night it took a while for them to actually say hi, oh, and they’re not mad.... come Sunday at Pridefest downtown they totally ignored us and Terri and Melanie- who I won’t recommend anyone to listen to her because she’s so shallow she actually walked around us to avoid saying hi! If that’s what you call a friend, please don’t waste my time. It hurt but not that much because the two that mattered said hello right at the door and right away when we first seen her. Silke, who I can not say one bad thing about, I love her and all her endeavors... which she is fucking fun. And then Terri, a good person once away from drama, good girl! Ha! Silke we seen Friday and Sunday and no matter how much time passes between seeing her she’s the same loveable party animal! Who doesn’t know Silke or is it who doesn’t Silke know? The three stooges are one ex and a couple? Or threesome? Who the heck knows, it’s weird! I couldn’t live with my ex and girlfriend and I couldn’t be the girlfriend allowing such shit even the affection is not like a friendship... to each their own as long as they’re happy right? Why be so ignorant and play the ignore game? Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s shallow and has bad karma written all over it. Friends, what’s the true definition in your words?

C and I had a few good days run and then I guess I fucked everything up. I can’t do anything right. This morning was my fault, I thought the pets were C taking the trash out for some reason and well, my candle was out and needless to say I didn’t react well when she huffed about lighting it... new on night list is a brand new dark candle lit. problem solved but I still need to apologize still... see, the difference between her and I, I can apologize for my actions and words but she’d rather leave me thinking about it as if it wasn’t just words spoken. she's funny, I did something and she called me the master and now I want to get the bracelet that says that! I’ve earned it... well, gimme 5 more times then maybe I’ll have earned it but then C'll be forever traumatized if we ever part because her next lover won't meet the grade. hey, i just know I’m good with my mouth... what fucking quad isn't? Ha!! Joke but also true because you use your mouth a lot more for things an able bodied person would simply use their hands to do... like velcroing the braces or grabbing things or undoing/unwrapping things. Great tests I might add, the unwrapping things with your tongue/mouth and the tying a cherry stem into knots! I win!

THE FRAY SATURDAY

THE FRAY WERE AWESOMEEEEEE BUT YOU LOOKED MORE AT HIS DAMN BACK THAN ANYTHING...... FACE THE FRIGGIN PIANO UP N FACING THE CROWD?? BRANDI CARLISLE OPENED, WAHOO AND THE LAST PIC IS WITH THEIR PLATINUM RECORD? GOLD?

FRIDAY NIGHT PRIIDE

Another grand day/night

another great night and they say never go to bed angry... guess i better think off! oy vey, love is every fucking emotion brought out in you and still loving them when they arise right? still, it would be nice to know if you should be telling people yes, you're single or no, we're not together when they ask about her. i tried showing affection today but she again pulled away... just wanting to touch her hand... oy vey. women.

great f'ing birthday

A great birthday! I really AM in a relationship, I think, I’m not sure really… I think it says something when me and Col were sitting at the bar watching the soccer playoff’s on the same tv, I even turned to watch it, and when this girl sits down on the other side of her she switches to watch the other tv in the girl’s direction, so I moved up putting more distance between us. A stool was between the girl and Col and when this other girl came to sit next to her friend Col finally turns back towards me, funny. She didn’t notice but I did. I listened and they talked while the whole time we sat there without talking, not silence but just simple like “can I have a light?” “ouch” but I realized her and I don’t talk. There really is no relationship is there? Shoot, should say enough that she can read erotica books and talk about how fucking hot the stories are and then not even want to do anything… hmm, makes ya wonder1 I don’t need to wonder, I trust my intuition. Needless to say I had an awesome birthday today, arguing for 97.5% of it, even now we’re arguing because why?

Does someone’s tone of voice say a lot??

Like actions and I’ve tried showing affection but it’s all those nice gestures that go unnoticed. Most often the negative is noticed more than the positive in any situation. I feel like fuck, why should I be nice to her and get treated like this? Ugh, I hate commitments.

"I"

I used to write about life’s journeys and different paths until I thought I was no one to say what was good, bad, right, wrong, but then who is because it’s our own path.

I tried writing about the ever going search for contentment, clarity, calm, cleansing of all I had done in the past… forgive yourself for wrong actions? Once again, who bam I but one of the same simply searching patiently as each day goes by.

I could put a thought down on paper and ramble on about it for a page. I could put together what I remembered. What I felt, touched, tasted, seen in one moment could be written into some erotic masterpiece that leaves you craving pleasure.

I still do a little here and there and all that was has been deleted and now it’s starting over. I’ve learned never do anything when you’re upset, you might regret it… then there’s a flip side that says some good damn writing can become of such emotions, just listen to some music. Music, the gift that gives voice to our many feelings.

Still, I continue to try and get high and write what I know and others take how they wish to interpret it due to what’s going on in their life. I still try what I used to because I don’t know how to quit……….

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Just Venting so bipass this entry!

They say when you loan money out to think of it as a gift because 9/10 times you’ll never see the money again. Instant regret, ever feel that upon writing the check out, like you know you shouldn’t do it but if you don’t then you’ll feel like shit? Call me a dumbass for $1800 to Coleen… $1600 for her credit card after going to court but she lied about that because I heard her say $1500 something so she just wanted extra fucking money and 200 was supposed to be donated to my EX for doing the 3 day breast cancer walk… guess where that money is? Ha, I couldn’t even tell you! I wanted her to do the donation because Starbucks will match it, makes sense right? Well, trust but we all know how that goes. (of course I’ll get my money back after this, provided it’s not gone, vs. her doing what we planned because journaling about it will piss her off to much she won’t donate it.) I feel like such a dumbass because then I get treated like shit. I can’t even get TO my computer to change my DSL code vs. canceling it. I figure what am I doing when this girl doesn’t even want me? She actually came home and told me about some chick going into Starbucks. Now I know she’s a flirt, I am too, but there’s a sense of security knowing you’re with somebody and they look rather than knowing they’re “looking.” but even hearing that the other night I still gave her money. I felt like I OWED it to her because she does my morning care…. Most people get room and board for care, she gets room and board for a few hours care and not even the 4hour routine in the morning is for me, it’s 2 hours for me, 1 hour for her to go online in the morning, and another hour doing shit around here. Yes I get 3 cups of coffee maybe 4 during this time… so I do interrupt for help. This is why I need a morning aide because hopefully it’ll help my sanity, I’m throwing shit, water, ashtray, pills, we slack off and then don’t get done till 2 and I get frustrated because the next aide comes at 3, makes no GD sense… I need help, I’m not afraid to admit it. It must be fate because I found the therapists number today. I think that’s a sign.

Ahhh, ok, I don’t want to delete what’s already been written…. As most writers don’t want to go back and change things and other times changing makes it better. I had a cool off period and toked up, not that that helps really but this damn leg pain and I just don’t want to get higher than a damn kite just to ease the pain. Damn nurse wanted to do an abdomen check… I felt like taking my shit into her for proof there’s NOT a bowel problem, or too much medication, causing my pain. She hears I’m passing out and doesn’t hear the “from so much pain” part… any normal person would think if it’s muscle pain, cramps, it’s not from TOO MUCH medication but lack there of!! I’m not a friggin’ Dr and I know this much!

I hate venting about C but I need to and figure fuck it, like she said, she don’t care anyway. To me, anyone would care about their girlfriend, lover, going to court for money she can pay off but not to their $500 a month! It’s love and guilt that makes me do it. Love because I would do that for my girlfriend, guilt, because if I had a morning Aide she could work full time, she could now at an afternoon job? No fun in that though. I feel so confused because I feel like I should be treated differently than what I’m treated now… there is no reason for my temper and throwing shit, but it’s all I can do! It was awesome when C cleared the table the other day! She did better than me because she got everything on the table and pushed it across the room, my running the mess over created a bigger mess, but two thumbs up for her “temper tantrum!” See, I guess there’s a kid inside us all!! Our trip to the east coast is kinda planned… I’ll have to go back out there with somebody else and check out all the places I want to! This trip’s gonna be a quicky so I can save my money for the next trip or for something else. Sorry, I can’t sit and spend days with somebody’s family when I’ve seen just how fucking much they’ve done to her! I know we have our fights but like I said, I needed to vent, no doubt I’ll get the money back each week by C’s tips, it’ll be fine… her mom could’ve given her money just collecting $25,000 from lottery, she could offer to help with something, that’s why I was pissed when thinking before about the loan- ok, I’ll loan you money while you spend $100 on your mom, or $40 on a winter fucking jacket when it’s summer. After paying for this trip it does “pang” me a bit to hear about needless spending. I know it’ll work out, it always does… I’ve like 3 numbers to call back about nursing, pray!!

"I'm Not Normal"

This was just some thought inspired by Adrina Thorpe, a singer, after her blog on "i'm not normal." She's lovely if anyone gets a chance to check out her music and her!

if intolerance is normal than nobody would be liked, if dying for a lie is normal than we might as well lye down now, if poverty is normal than we should all be hungry with no shelter, if being persecuted for loving who you fall in love with is normal than why love at all? I LOVE BEING ABNORMAL!

Still.....

I don’t quite know what to say yet the feelings are still around, I don’t know how to phrase things and make it a better day. The more I say my mouth just slides, to this hole that’s been dug and the reason’s why I hide. Blood runs thick as words just slip so losely from my tongue and gradually I become undone. I gave and give my all to you up until up until I came unglued. They say opposites attract and I see where they might be just a touch right but then we can’t forget the others or nobody’s left.

The silence thinking...

Love is like unlocking a door and saying “here I am, do with me what you will,” and from there it’s all about actions and sharing what’s inside you. The biggest line ever told is “I need fix myself before…” This is true to some extent but after so much I believe you can work on your-self as well as invite love in again. Just because you feel love doesn’t mean you have divert your attention totally away from getting healthy once again, or more so, feeling healthy emotionally. Love helps us make it through many things. Love should allow you to grow separately as well as continue on your own self discovery. This is where sharing and questions come in. sharing yourself, not just sexually, is a major key in any relationship, especially loving someone. Questions, don’t be afraid to ask and try to get involved. Love is a two way street and there are many two way’s, the path’s that go one usually lead to a dead end!

I indeed feel the trying here, if even it is just giving me a sip of water before going down in bed. Even offering to wait so she can also get the drink she said she was waiting for wouldn’t get me a drink. I went without though my mouth was so dry my lips were sticking to my teeth and it hurt to swallow… I can’t imagine getting tortured as they do to people. But this is an example of a one way street. A simple sip of water would’ve, could’ve, but didn’t take away from 5 more minutes of arguing.

Some things have easier solutions than others do but there’s something called “compromise” that makes things a lot simpler.

Ah, no more please?

I wanted to sit and write but then I figured I shouldn’t even though this is supposed to be a journal. I just need to make a more extended version linked to this for moments when I really need to let out. Like even after asking how much gas was put in… $20 me $10 her yet I go to my checkbook and see a charge for $30, like I wasn’t going to look, but then to blame it on me saying I said to put that much in I am no idiot and I’m not that high I don’t know when money isn’t discussed or missing. So yes, my van will not go anywhere unless I’m in it. This is why I hate putting more than ten bucks in… but to lie about it is another story. I know tomorrow I need to kick ass on these phone call’s, I knew I should’ve stayed in bed today and got some stuff done. Each day I get up I get more disgusted. I’m so happy I sold Nine Inch Nails because I would’ve hated going and then turn around to nothing getting done. Yes, I understand being tired… don’t stay up on the computer all night? I still feel stupid as hell, I feel so much right now I don’t feel safe writing… ever feel that?

I talked to my gram the other morning and out of the blue she tell’s me she’s meeting to buy my plot, but new regs say only 2 in a plot so I’ll be alone ten feet away from them. It was like a shock hearing about your plot and your headstone waiting for the final date. I cried and tried to keep it in but I couldn’t and C just got mad because I said I didn’t want to talk about it right now, why get mad when I was holding it in in my throat and just trying to grasp the whole reality of it all. I almost felt like, it’s time. Someone’s telling me something? I looked at urn’s later, figure hell, I might as well pick out a cool one. Normally a caring person would care a little upon hearing about this, your gf esp, but in the end… we’re alone anyway.

I can bleed I can cuss I can pretend I don’t care at all

But my blood runs thick and I actually do give a shit

I can love I can fight I can put up walls creating a maze

But my heart aches and I feel weak like a mouse who’s lost it’s way

i do so love spending alllllll day arguing... aside from maybe 3 hours? fuckkkkkkkkkk

trying this new laptop out and the white keys will soon be dark ha! till later indeed...

Warning: Venting

What can I say, I need to vent a little, so read on but be forewarned I just need to let loose and I think so many understand what I mean when I say “set myself free,” it’s just a matter of writing it and unleashing it out your head… helps a little anyway.

So with two days off I took C to a movie in hopes something might get done today… granted the movies and whatnot only took 4 or 5 hours out of the day, ordered dinner, like every night. The movie, See No Evil, was ok but nothing spectacular after seeing Saw II. But it’s so hard going out when I look around at all I’ve been waiting to have done for finishing my voice programming system. But I wrote my mom and I believe her and her boyfriend’ll come here and hook everything up tomorrow, hard scheduling something when stuff isn’t put together. How long has it been I said something about my plants being repotted and how many days have I spent in bed for something to get done? Too many. I get self destructive because I’m hearing “I don’t care” so much it does effect my self thinking. Some days I’ll ignore it and say fuck it, and take care of myself… by this I mean do my stretches and wash up completely not just lotion up or wash whatever I can wash MYSELF- not much.

My self destructiveness has only become worse as my frustration over no help in here worsens. I feel like I don’t have control in my house, I ask simply for a gate to my bathroom to keep cats out and it goes up by my bedroom door closing my dog in or out… umm, should it not be the other way around if anything? All I ask is it by my bathroom because the cat likes to go in there and I don’t trust he isn’t pissin in there as we caught him before. Too much? My frustration works my mouth regrettably but almost always I’ve apologized for what was said… I don’t get an apology, I’m stuck believing what she said is true, which it must be because I’ve not heard otherwise. I don’t do a thing for C anymore, she’s faked it the past few times- which have been well over a month ago because I’ve turned her down, why do it if ya gotta’ fake it. Sad thing is sometimes you do have to to just be done! Heck, I’ve tried, I show affection and get swatted away because it’s tickling her, good excuse I say, so I’m done now, I won’t get swatted away when I’m trying to touch someone. You can’t tell me her other gf’s didn’t rubb her hand or arm or play with her hair. Love is not grand and patience does not pay off, I’ve learned that much.

Well, I’m off to watch Golden Girls or some movie… I feel a bit better.

Proud of my mom!

Yes, I'm proud of my momma for looking so good and being so young, 51, and getting her own toy to pull behind her F350! Indeed "Badass Girls Drive Badass Toys!"

The Girl's!

Next year's trip is supposedly to be accessible and maybe I can come and my one short Auntie's got 3 nieces not on here... then it'll be the "sister's and the daughters." I've a funass family in MN... every year they do a hugeass Halloween party too complete with a maze of hay, a tracter ride through the cornfield where ya never know what'll happen, scary stories by the fire, and even camp out... last year they camped and awoke to a ground of snow!  Fun!  OHH, they went to Branson, Missouri!

Life is like...?

Life is like an amusement park, there’s games and rides, some rides go up and down and others turn you upside down, some make your tummy a bit nauseous while others excite you and send you to new heights of freedom and exuberance, in between the ride’s you might play a few a games however costly and sometimes you win right away, sometimes the second try, sometimes you just can’t win at the game, but with each attempt the prize gets bigger.

I can think of many other comparison’s but I thought to keep it at a certain length to submit for something. It was a thought I had and god only knows 7/10 people have once thought of life as an amusement park... but the extent of it can go one by one differently depending on the person... if I was to ask you how is an amusement park like life? you’d have many different answers! Think I should just edit it and toss it up for submition? So much has gone wrong here but I’m saving that, copy and paste when I’m done with the two page mess, or is it confess? Did I mention I got an A in my Deviant Behavior class? Yeah yeah, crack jokes! All the pictures up now, I guess we know what I look like except now my hair just got washed and I was watching Law & Order and I was like "that’s why C wants me to wear my hair like that..." her woman on the show and I have the same style hair only a matter of where the part is, ha. Oh and yes, "MARILIZE LEGAUANA!" I love that tshirt! I was able to get some sun yesterday but today me and c pretty much sat around here until she went to work, I still got up but it was no sunny day. I think we’ve basically learned when she gets me up and works at 4:30 it’s better to just stay in around here and get a lil done if we can. I can’t wait to see the yard all picked up and clean and wahoo, get my automatic door opener put on this week too! Oo, and Botox! Hopefully more interviews because it scares me this girl may know Fawn now it sets off warning bells, slacker? What looked promising turned out not to be because people aren’t showing up for the interviews... no wonder they can’t find work other than privately! This week is hopefully, I’m trying to tell myself, a new start, tolerance. But give and take and mutual respect, some things are real simple and quick and well, yeah, not here right now... positivity is what I’m going to try, but I need try that without thinking of it as hopeful. My inner battles sometimes get unleashed on the outsideand that’s where I get fucked or fuck myself, ha! Hmm, interesting thought to go off on........... till then.

Lego This!

Finally!

I can’t figure it out how to put my "Leggo my ego" shirt up here! This was after Bill Maher, the pictures of the 5 of us... col, gg, stef, and kelly. If I told you their screen names I might have to hurt ya. Isn’t col sexy trying to show off her itty bitty titties? G for that matter too... the rest of us would need the larger committee. Then there’s G and Stef, too cute, and oh so funny smackin’ and shakin’ that ass! The bar was empty but it made nice for talking and hanging out... but I still have a craving for sweet potato fries. We’ll definitely have to hit c’s friends up again and go back to that place, lil dive of a thing! Till then...... peace love and tokity!

Another day in paradise!

Many might call me stupid, and I very well might be, but it is who I am. C finally got her watch from her birthday or Valentines or some day like that and it looks great! I also picked out a cool wallet, like she said, "you get what you pay for," now not to let the cat get it! Ha! I love having our nice days and nights together but I hate having to argue just to get something done or it waits until she needs something. I’ve been waiting forever to get dirt around the rose bushes and plants replanted... granted they can’t replant my plants I’m hiring someone to come clean up my yard and garage and whatnot. After that they’ll come back every couple weeks to do clean up and shit. Gotta’ get rid of all the brick and bed and wood... ugh, all that’s in the garage? I’ve to find a contractor to do my garage roof still, find a nurse, find a cleaning person... ever feel overwhelmed? I’m still struggling with the nurse issue, I guess I should’ve hired the one with the fewest felony’s. I think I know why they’re doing private care when they list their background check info! I’m just tired of trying but I know something or someone will come along... or I can try calling Lola’s mom and check what she’s doing. I fear it’s coming to that. I just am trying to think how someone can handle three kids, a job, yet they can’t handle me and working and whatnot. I know I’m a handful but umm, yeah. My first thought if C gets the kids was "yayy, more to spoil, I get a girl and a little boy to pick clothes out for!" As I love spoiling and the Gap!! Then I think, am I that much of a handful because I see how things are now and I get yelled at for her being tired. I know we start at 8am, but knowing that is it my fault for being up until 3am? I even say I’ll stay in bed so this and that can get done instead, less labor for C? But still, it takes us arguing, which I really hate but it’s the bitter truth. Like today, she had yesterday off and all she did was go to the dentist and pick up my chair... she gets 20-40 depending on the day from the agency for doing my care but doing what everyone else would only they’d listen to me... like asking for the gate to be up so the cat stays out of my bathroom. He was caught pissin in my drain once so goddess only knows it’s like a litter box. Anyone else I can ask to put it up and that’s their job but not C, it pisses me of because for one, it’s MY house/bathroom, second because if she’s getting paid to do something I don’t care but the simplest of things could solve daily arguing. And it’s only 3:30 and I know today will be spent apart unfortunately. I need order a pizza though, I’m faintishly hungry. Hate that feeling..... tilt back, post this, get off..... off line not get off like masturbate though it’d be nice!! Till better dayzzzzzz, tokity!

No Woman No Cry

I can’t even remember now how many concert’s we’ve got going on this summer and Pearl Jam goes on sale tomorrow! Greatass show! So that’s Ben Harper, Nine Inch Nails, Melissa, Dave at Gorge in Portland (fun,) Dave in Boston w/ VIP passes, Dave here both night’s, umm The Fray, oh and Rob Thomas/Jewel... I love Red Rocks what can I say? We went to Wendy Woo last Thursday and holy shit was she ever awesome! She did “No Woman No Cry” early for me cuz I wasn’t feeling well enough to stay till the end... gotta’ give my girl prop’s for that. We took a few pictures I’ll still try putting up if I can figure out how to downsize them?? Damn digital camera’s! Her pic’s I think are on www.wendywoo.com! Things here are good and bad. I feel closer but yet feel more like she’s resenting having to do my care... and I’d name my reasons but I won’t. Understandable, I shoulda’ had a nurse by now. It seems I’ve no luck. I even went back tonight to make sure about people and really got nothing except one lady saying she’ll call tomorrow. The weekends I’ve two people that want to trade every other weekend or I’ve no one really. There’s like 5 numbers on my list I didn’t call… no hablo mucho espanol. That was supposed to say I don’t speak much Spanish. Pretty good but don’t ask me to go beyond that! I’m replacing the ad tomorrow in hopes maybe summer classes and all being out and over, well one can hope for newness. I should upload the pictures since I switched to my laptop… hmm. Not much else to tell, my tan’s looking awesome but so are my tanlines! Well, I’m outty like my shirt when so many come over! Tokity it up ya’all! 

Something written better than nothing?

I suppose I should just take the summer off and not even take a class, it keep’s me preoccupied. As much as I’d love to simply write a book I feel I’m at no point in my life to be giving advice. I can’t even get along without letting piddly chatroom bs get to me even when I do nothing but listen? Somehow someday I guess you get drug into some kind of drama,, it’s whether you choose to play a role in it. Of course I can’t say anything bad about anyone because when you have one side or point you don’t have much to base it on in fairness. It’s what I always say about what I say about C but also there’s nothing here that’s a secret to her or duh, I’d be making it private. Sometimes I don’t think people think things through enough if they indeed are trying to hide or be secretive. Screennames, look at the bottom where it says "member since" and see if it matches your stalker if you have one or these journals, they’re public until made private. C has me with her attitude, ask me cuz I’ll tell, I won’t lie or say something behind your back that I won’t to your face. What do I have to hide really? I only want to help people and that’s why I want to go too school, I’ve loved these classes. Me and C are getting along a lot better, maybe because I’ve been up more and maybe because we’ve actually been nice and acting like a couple. Funny, there was this $59 diamond ring and she’s always said "just give me the diamond," but that wasn’t big enough, she forgot to add "at least 1 kt!" pickyass, she wouldn’t wear it because when we fight I always want it off her... so maybe that flip necklace would be good for us- one side says taken the other available. Ha! I’ve been trying to keep myself busy which isn’t hard when you’re not much alone till 4:30, then do everything like bank acct’s, mail, the must do things then by that time I’m tired and not choosingly, pass out cold asleep. I hate that but if I don’t do it, I won’t fall asleep till 3am, even with my pills. But, we went and seen Bill Maher on Saturday then met up with a couple friends which was fun. Now we’ve only to wait for Melissa Etheridge, The Fray, Dave Matthews in Oregon at the Gorge, in Boston w/ Sheryl Crow, and here two days in a row, Ben Harper, Amos Lee, and Nine Inch Nails, are all we have tix for now... oh, and my favorite, Ani! Then Pearl Jam goes on sale soon too! Busy summer so far. Bill Maher was damn hilarious but repeated his show a lot and damn, he’d have my vote for Pres! My family, mom and sister’s and aunt’s and their daughters all had a good weekend in Missouri, I just hope next time they think about me... otherwise what kind of family are they? Guess I’m not considered a daughter, just the one who can’t come because I’m in a chair. Sorry, hurts still and I hurt myself more by being nice to them. I suck, I just let people kick me around as to not deal with the bs... except C because I think I AM that secure with her as much as I think I’m not. Whatever she says or I say while venting, that’s my sexy woman! Pill time......... till the next issue of the days of a boring life...   

Big enough now G? ha!

Bigger by request but it's blah blah blah

I feel a little messed up though nobody can solve the BS but me. I feel I’ve no time to do anything and when I can it’s that time of day when I pass the fuck out because I honestly can’t fall asleep most nights till 2 at least. I feel at time’s I can’t be alone, yet need to be but C can go in her room and close the door at will. I don’t know what the heck happened last night because I felt like I was the one so out of the loop and so me, I just leave, where I guess by talking to someone (gorgeous lol) I should’ve stayed in there and not let anything get to me. If it weren’t for a chosen few who crave attention and drama, younger ones, than it’d be a great release as I’ve met many I can simply talk and relate to because me, I don’t relate to most my age… my temper and throwing shit will forever be there! I just say, they shouldn’t show that childish behavior on tv either, ha. Then I flew my older sis in from San Jose to go with my mom and sis and her sisters and their daughters to Branson, Missouri. Next time, maybe just maybe my mom’ll think of me but I doubt it. It was fine here but I think my sister that’s Coleen’s age and her would make a far better couple plus she knows my sister better… why does this anger me? Because colleen’s not my girlfriend therefore my family should just be that. Many times I’ve gone without picking up my sister’s call because why, I already know from coleen or don’t care to be an “ok tell nik” or “oops slipped out.” been a problem for a while and this time I actually just said something and ignored the two for a bit… not that they noticed at all, like my mom said. I want to build an armor wall around my heart and leave it. I no longer believe there is that perfect someone but rather someone’S because hey, nothing lasts forever…. Though the dinosaurs might return! Ha! I am ever so happy about my tan, I can no longer call coleen black or she can call my neopolitan. At least I can say I feel like I look good and cute but need a damn haircut bad! Skaterdoo! And gotta get fresh lemon juice for my hair… blonde! Other good news… my teacher has now said because most all are getting A’s in class (all 6/7 of us) said if all our work is completed by end of unit 10- next weeks, we’ll only have her survey to fill out for our final. I really like how this teacher goes about things, I feel I get more out of it because I find I pay closer attention to detail and enjoy the set up. Ah, and my brit bytch just isn’t working like it should, I’m hoping because of the interference. Anyone want to come hook up a dvd player? A cd player too? Ha. My new ones are still out there and thankfully mom said she’ll hook them up when she gets back. More accessible! 400 disc dvd holder, enough? I could use 3 of the 300 cd player! Music and movies, a collection. And now I’m off….. Toke up!

April's Namaste'

Emotional Freedom

"At the heart of the human experience is the quest for love. The driving force of human evolution is the need for more fulfilling, more nourishing and more expansive relationships. In every stage of life we seek deeper connections between those with whom we surround ourselves and our own Spirit." – Deepak Chopra

Each of us is on a heroic quest, seeking to find that aspect of ourselves that expresses our highest value. As a Namaste subscriber, on some level you think of yourself as a spiritual seeker, striving to expand your capacity for inner peace, harmony, laughter, love, and compassion. For many people on a spiritual path, it is their accumulated emotional toxicity that inhibits their ability to be fully present in the moment. Learning to manage this emotional turbulence and create loving nourishing relationships is essential to our physical, psychological and spiritual well being.

What does it mean to be emotionally free? There is a Sanskrit expression, Tat Tvam Asi (taht t'vahm AH-see) which translated means "I see the other in myself and myself in others." Understanding how human relationships work is one of the most magnificent aspects in life. In this process, we will often discover that the most nourishing and foundational relationship we can possibly have is the one we have with ourselves.

This weekend, the Chopra Center hosted Healing the Heart – our workshop on emotional freedom. We thank our 30 guests who shared their hearts, released their pain, and strengthened their self-esteem. To honor that cathartic process, this Namaste celebrates emotional freedom as both Deepak's and David's letters share deep insights into attaining this freedom in each day. Starting each day with meditation is one of the keys to tapping into the stillness and silence that leads to a life of SynchroDestiny.  ~Deepak Chopra

I thought this was just something ALL should read, it's enlightening if anything.

Harsh Heart but Clarity

Me and Coleen had a talk tonight and throughout the day, talk/argue really. After all was said and done I really felt like a fool for even thinking, wanting, or hoping for things to be back to when we were first together… she told me she had never said she was my girlfriend and this is after two years living together. If not my girlfriend sex is a fuck, sorry, but it is what it is. It just made me think about every journal entry written on how I wanted things different, what should I do, how I wanted more between us… and all that time I was saying that you’d think she’d tell me “there’s no hope, don’t want anything anymore,” instead of letting me make a damn fool of myself about my feelings. No, I can’t be a friend because I don’t have the feelings a friend has, there’s more.. Makes sense right? Nobody can disagree there, too hard being friends when one feels more. It was never that I knew she wasn’t a good one, I think I said that, it wasn’t anything except maybe openness and nursing. I share too much and want to know more about my gf’s life than she’s ever shared. Even in CT she was kinda closed off, I thought I had trouble talking. A lot got said and I can understand, I just need to fix myself now, but where to start? It’s hard because I actually never looked into the future these past couple years and seen it without Coleen. I vent a lot, that’s what this is for… how I FEEL, and sometimes you do wish to go back and delete something or redo something but within redoing it it would change everything? I was totally wrong in saying what I did about Dani, I only said it for C, she’s the best lover I’ve had actually except with one thing we disagree on… if that’s the reason it says a lot that sex is more important. I appreciate the support so much because I feel the pit of my stomach doing butterflies at the harsh reality, yet clarity, that coleen doesn’t love me anymore… guess she can move on where I wish I could.

Words cut like a knife

How hurtful can one be? If the one you were sleeping with asks if you’ve ever smelled somebody and had their taste linger in your mouth then say that happened to them just the other day and IT WASN’T YOU! I know I don’t give C enough sex, hell I’d do it everyday with her sexy body, but things said keep moments from happening… then this. Tonight. It told me she doesn’t think about me anymore and damn, why do I want someone who’s tasting other women in their mouth even if it is a memory. I’m not good enough. I’ve always had this complex about being able to please someone and she kinda confirmed it by telling me she’s faked it the past few times and I do nothing for her. Well, I can say the only person that’s made me have an orgasm lives in California and be damned if we didn’t get in some freaky positions… in the van straddling the seat and me, tilted back in the chair, ok I best stop. Me and C have been in kinkier positions though and if you ever read the journal I deleted, FUCK, you’d know the sex was fucking awesome when all was good. Yeah, I deleted 2 years of my life, journaling as well as writing. People can’t come to me and C came in in tears and told me Ash called her cuz someone told her blah blah blah… in the end I deleted the whole damn thing because I felt so fucking guilty… but it’s MY journal. With all said and done even though I vent I also defend C down to everything because why? I made her this way… is that possible or is it that it’s there but only brought to the surface?? I’m thinking the latter because you control your feelings and nobody can piss you off or hurt you without you letting them. God gave us one thing, free will.

A Start

I deleted about two years of my life because of people talking and Col coming home in tear’s and well, out of anger poof it’s all gone. Anyone should know within reading that I’ve defended C for her actions because I know how she really is underneath.. At least I think. Trust me, anyone would be lucky to have her... she no longer wants me. I wish people could come to the source and ask about things because an outsider doesn’t really understand. Love is good, love is bad, love is love unconditionally. Nothing said here would surprise C... except my saying I still want to work things out because of all that was before things got fucked up. I always always said having a lover/roommate do care isn’t good, unless it’s for traveling/vacation or going out. Something has to be set in stone, not like it is here because we never thought she’d be doing all my care except where the agency can fill in at night but only 2 know the routine! I need to call the gayboy tomorrow, I think that’d be a great option! I’ll figure it out! Oh damn, and I need some greenage or chocolate!