smoking!! being shy in some ways too. smokers are more friendly i find so being shy isn't an issue there.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Name something you've done or something about you that no one would ever suspect.
i can draw!! i can play the slide! my handicap doesn't hold me back.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
If you could, would you ever have plastic surgery to change the way you look?
just under the triceps where i can't work the muscles... that count?
Is it crazy to talk to yourself when you're alone?
i don't talk to myself... i'm glad i have my dog!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Crushing vs Attracted to
She walked in and immediately caught my eye. This beautiful smile that steals your attention and draws you to take notice. i took notice. i looked and kept looking throughout the night. there's no way she could be a lesbian, and I didn't bother asking. She was very nice to talk to and very nice to look at.Her dress showed almost her whole back... no tan lines. One can only assume... well, let's let the mind wander. Her skin looked so soft and smooth I could only imagine it close to me. Skin on skin. Why straight girls? When I think about her lips, the curls of her hair, her smooth skin, i immediately want her. She has such unique features. Her face is almost pale but her body is nice and tan. I wanted to kiss her. One kiss and she'd be mine. I could show her in one kiss all the passion she's missed out on. How to get her alone? She had no tattoo's that I could visibly see... something to inquire about. Already, I want to know more. I'm both, crushing and attracted to her. Not the same thing...
Crushing for me means there's where it ends. If I say I'm attracted to her, someone, it says I want to more and maybe go further. Some I'll start a crush and gradually that crush disappears. Others the crush could grow into more but there's reasons why I'm only crushing and not pursuing. Some I'm immediately attracted to for various reasons. Independent. Confident. Stable. Has their own place and car. And baggage... everyone comes with baggage it's all about how they carry it.
My mind is racing and I can't stop it. I keep thinking about Her, about the party on Sunday, about friends, so called friends, distant friends, and frenemy's/ Right now, I drift from her to someone else. Am I the friend when it's convenient and going to get dropped whenever something else comes up? It's becoming that way. I don't want to shut anyone out but maybe stepping back is a good idea... and maybe that's what she did. Other plans come up and I'm immediately dropped... so am I there just because no one else is? Yes, I need more friends willing to go out with me. I find my friends will be going out and not once invite me. Are these people friends or acquaintances? More and more I categorize by friends, facebook friends, or just know them from someone. There's only a handful I might call friends, real friends... and at that nothing is set it stone. At least I get a half truth from one person vs nothing from others. My mind boggles me on this subject... and not before bed.
Think about her lips again. wrapping my hands around her and feeling her bare back. soft lips, soft skin, and I just know... if only....
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Last smoke...
Last cigarette then I'm gone,
where I go I choose not to say,
Let me go free where I can play,
to roam, to fly, to go where I've to go,
To see all I've yet to see,
to grow into everything after all I may know.
I go into the unknown,
darkness awaits my beam of light,
I try avoiding my fear to take flight,
running away without putting up a fight,
Letting go, because I know it's right.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Quiet with a shot of Fireworks
So often I enjoy my alone time because I hardly get any during the week. This weekend, admittedly, feels different. Somehow, it being a three day weekend, the 4th, I feel alone. I feel myself lacking in the "friend" category... the real friends vs the friends. I'm finding more and more the word friend has it's own sub category's. Those who know of you and say hi and call you a friend, those who come around every so often but it takes no time to catch up and feels comfortable, there are those that those that would be there but they can't, there are some that are there when convienient, some when they want or need something, and I'm finding how rare it is you find those true friends that you hang out with and talk to and are there on a daily basis. Goddess how things change as we go through life... think back to High School when it was so easy making and trusting friends. Back when there was less... technology ruining our communication yet helping it. Helping it by texting "hey, can u meet me.." when you can't talk.
The remedy... the caregiver I wanted to get rid of is the only one concerned about me getting out of the house. Winter time I could are less but come Summer, I feel like a slacker when I don't go out. And honestly, who wants to go alone everywhere? Most places I don't care who I'm with but often I just like going alone. Nobody likes being sobercab for me. Then again nobody ever calls me up to say "we're going here tonight.." Friends vs "friends!"
To me the wheelchair isn't disabling but in their eyes... I'd like to know what they truly see because I don't think it's me. I don't think anyone knows the whole real me.... because of trust, because I'm overly cautious. When cards and surveys ask you what super power you wish you could have... mine might just be the power to read minds, however painful. The truth don't lie.
i love my tattoo but now i want even more. If Michelle, my mind boggling love, would ever send that tattoo of her saying, "Olive Juice xo." She still drives me crazy and can get on my every emotion.... whether that''s good I'm not sure. I love her. I might see glimpse's of hopeful daters but then some kind of warning bells are set off or it turns out we're better friends.... but it's ok to have ,my crushes I know nothing will happen with down the road. A friend with benefits would be nice right now. How quickly one person was to point out where they're coming from so I'm clear nothing's going on further. Ouch.
Someday. For now, one day at a time... fix this problem I'm having. Cheers and goodnight.
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