Angelic Voice sing to me....

What I can't say or do fall's on me like a brick and they keep piling up. What stops me? Fear? Fear of what.... thinking the other person might go "WTF?"

I need direction to show me the way... Amanda Capper... loving, angelic, alluring voice... My Janis all the way on top of that. Her cd is under her group Remember May! Rock on!

I guess we know who is on my mind. I write and write and write too much, say perhaps what I shouldn't too early... but if it's ME than why not share? Some things should just be for later. I shared my writing... something I should've waited on. Too soon, too scary. I don't know how to do this or anything anymore. I feel like a failure... getting turned down left and right, or not turned down but I think "I'm busy that day..." two times in a row sends a sign. Third time's a charm? Jodie Foster can't be single for too long.

I always get put in the "friend" category with no intentions of dating or anything. I'm used to it but it doesn't stop me from wanting! Why is the wheelchair such a big deal? I'm not asking anyone to change their life for me, I like someone more independent. Ahhh...

And that was it. The wheelchair/friend thing is just jerking my mind around. I think writing is one great way of releasing... my form of meditation... especially when it's just silent.

Things have to get better. I've morphine but still, pain is also spasms... which I'm getting a lot of. My uti just went away, I hope. My left side is still swollen up but nobody can answer that. I've tried telling them to look at my kidney, see if it's worse. I just want to be like everyone else, able to move without your body saying "nope, let's do this!"

It's bad when you have to go to a civilian hospital vs the VA ER because they won't take you in. I think DG did every test and more that the VA has done and nothing. Botox is coming next month and July comes the cortisone shot, pain relief! The botox loosens up the muscles in the leg... than 3 months later you need to do it again.

My health right now... borderline poor. My mind right now... borderline lost and drifting. My heart right now... you see a song emerging if you read close enough... or read between the lines.

Tis midnight and I'll now turn into a pumpkin... or a cherry, I like Cherries better than pumpkins. And as I drift off into some fairy tale where everything is perfect and nothing is left to wander.

Wander through your dreams!

I'm trying to figure out just how much of a shut-in I am. On average, how many nights a week would you say you go out and do something?

Sometimes none, other times 3 or 4 times... it's costly for me.

Ask me anything

What was your prom like, if you went or had one?

I went with a guy, wore a nice VS velvet dress... with boxers underneath. The group I went with, well my "bf" cheated on me 3 times the weekend before, not like me or my gf cared :) We went to dinner, the 3 girls in our group of 10 with their dates, went to Prom... then went home with my girlfriend. It was still fun.

Ask me anything

Silence for a moment...

Rest assured I'm not meditating... however, writing IS my form of meditation, concentration, and release.

I try the silence for a moment, hear my dog licking away for a minute, then, now, she stops... just me, this open page, and a smoke.

Beauty is what I wish to create in my backyard. A place, where once again, I'll get lost. I love sitting there looking at the colorful plants and listening to the sound of running water. I don't become a hermit, people are free to come by, but I get stuck and tearing me away is senseless. Just join me. I love having someone next to me where the silence isn't awkward and simply "being" is the right place there and then.

My mind travels off to the same person every time. Some one who can sit, write, talk, do their thing beside me and not necessarily with me... yet, we are together. I know she'd be content, I know she'd enjoy the time passing by if even in silence. My tongue does not carry like my words. I shy away because I am not willing to go through the heartache of telling myself "no." She makes me smile, brightens my day with the simple written words, "I love you." It's not about what it means or if anythings behind it, it just is... love. My mind travels back to her and I wonder, in this second, if she can hear me and is thinking the same too, "Where is she?" After asking for ones number once or twice it's a hint you don't get it back.

Still, I am. I'm content in my own ways, content with a dream, content with just being... me.

Though I still have my worries, still have pain, I'm trying. I'd think a nice lawyer should be called for my Dr and the ER but I worry about my benefits and my pension. I think about all that is a mess and dig deeper in.

Cheers!

Follow-up to my last question: Can you still be friends with someone that is interested in you but not vice-versa? (I'm throwing the tough ones at you guys.)

Deffinately... they can be your best defender however hard.

Ask me anything

Who's the best teacher you ever had? What made them your favorite?

Science teacher... because she was gay and helped me get through school dealing with it.

Ask me anything

Hooking up with friends - advisable or not?

Only if you both understand it's a "hook up."

Ask me anything