each day i think i'm better than i was before, a better person. i know being paralyzed has helped me on insight others may never get and see things some may not. i may not feel as much physically but i feel that much more emotionally. i wonder if that's the case for everyone disabled... i bet not. maybe the gemini/cancer in me enhances things. my feelings are effected too easily and what i do with them at times isn't good....
....so i come here tonight instead and write, a much healthier choice. i can't control people and i try too hard to make things happen when really if people want them to happen they will. i feel like retreating again but i know i can't retreat anymore than i have. i should just hunker down and stay in the rest of winter... hermit... introvert... no friends to go do anything with. it seems all my friends are married or coupled off so i go out alone if i go anywhere... nobody calls me to go do anything even though i'm fully capable and have proven i can get out and stay out later... i thought that would make a difference at one point and now i see that it doesn't. the only time i ever met anyone out was when shit was going on with ali... then it mattered.
..........i wanted to get out this feeling i have inside... selfish or not i want it out in the open.... it's hard being the one who gets everyone together but then not be included if the get together isn't planned by you. it hurts and sends a message of who's important to "you" on a regular basis.... even i have forgotten to invite people but i try to be more conscience of it now... even when i'm out and didn't do the inviting. i just feel i have to get it off my chest with one person in particular and it'll burn a bridge probably but if we were really friends we'll see each other again. i guess i need to be done with a few parts of my life and readjust... i need to readjust my life and way of thinking again.
.....this is the me i don't like, the me i need to fix.... there's always something to fix or better or grow from... that's it, there's always room for growth because we are ever changing as the times change... our views open up... hearts become more open... those who close their hearts become bitter lonely people... that is not me... i might feel lonely sometimes but not all the time... i can't see incorporating anyone into my life because i'm too independent and stuck in my ways... let alone i smoke and stay up till 2 am.
and now that the butterflies have all settled and my nerves are less rattled i'll go watch a movie or something that's not going to provoke too much thought.....
....goodnight.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The Weekend plus...
It was a nice weekend filled with plenty of relaxing, friend time, creative time, music making time... I put myself out there and well, if at first you don't succeed... go to the straight bar, I get more numbers and more attention. I wasn't so much concerned for me as trying to find my friend a match... it wasn't happening. Come to find out we have a crush on the same person, no surprise really, everyone has a crush on her.
I don't feel there's much more I can do to put myself out there... Go out, I'm on a dating website, and everyone knows I'm single... come on Universe! I think I just need to go out alone because most assume I'm with whoever is accompanying me. I don't know how I can be intimidating by myself... I just exude independence and strength.
I finally have the contract to remodel and just need to sign it and get it back... then hopefully they can start asap. I'll really be lost and locked in 2 rooms when they start tearing down walls. I'm excited.
My mom came over today without any notice and just walks in.... I want her to do that while I'm having sex sometime just to prove a point to knock or ring a damn doorbell. I love her coming over but she makes me want to call 911 every time. She doesn't even announce herself, it's nerve racking.
Ali has been going out of town every weekend which has helped me in a way I'm not wondering what she's doing or if I'll run into her. She never calls me up to go out even though we go to the same music. I guess it's her choice really, I'm the one who text her and take the initiative to get together... no more. I am not wasting my energy on people who A. don't deserve it and B. don't deserve it. Lunch with other people is more fun.
I pd another credit card off, it feels good. Now I'd like to pay another one off but I'm afraid of the longer month. Why does 3 days throw the finances off so much? I'll find a way to do it... then pay another one in April. I'm hoping to start the first party in May but with construction I don't know. I'll pray and send it out there to be done... maybe one thing can go my way. Getting things done and out of debt feels good.
I don't feel there's much more I can do to put myself out there... Go out, I'm on a dating website, and everyone knows I'm single... come on Universe! I think I just need to go out alone because most assume I'm with whoever is accompanying me. I don't know how I can be intimidating by myself... I just exude independence and strength.
I finally have the contract to remodel and just need to sign it and get it back... then hopefully they can start asap. I'll really be lost and locked in 2 rooms when they start tearing down walls. I'm excited.
My mom came over today without any notice and just walks in.... I want her to do that while I'm having sex sometime just to prove a point to knock or ring a damn doorbell. I love her coming over but she makes me want to call 911 every time. She doesn't even announce herself, it's nerve racking.
Ali has been going out of town every weekend which has helped me in a way I'm not wondering what she's doing or if I'll run into her. She never calls me up to go out even though we go to the same music. I guess it's her choice really, I'm the one who text her and take the initiative to get together... no more. I am not wasting my energy on people who A. don't deserve it and B. don't deserve it. Lunch with other people is more fun.
I pd another credit card off, it feels good. Now I'd like to pay another one off but I'm afraid of the longer month. Why does 3 days throw the finances off so much? I'll find a way to do it... then pay another one in April. I'm hoping to start the first party in May but with construction I don't know. I'll pray and send it out there to be done... maybe one thing can go my way. Getting things done and out of debt feels good.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Day...
The day was good... though I didn't wake up on time that's becoming normal. I figure I want to sleep till 7 if I'm awake till 3! My eyes look like a raccoons. If I could sleep till I couldn't anymore but I have to wake up and take medication. It seems I can never quite do as I would like... in a way this handicap controls me. I wish I could go away one weekend with my friends. The ones I consider "close," don't think of me that way it seems... or just not anymore.
It was odd at lunch today... I saw no attraction towards Ali, in fact it felt like lunch was so superficial. Angie is our glue. We sat there, with a 3rd, and an hour after she got there she was ready to go. It felt like we were there for a while but then I had gone to the same place the day before and what felt like a short time 2 hours had passed... and we could've talked more. You just click with some... maybe all Ali and I had in common was music and an attraction? It felt good to be "over it."
Now... I mentioned something about being the only single one and a friend, much younger, invited me to go to Charlie's... and she's not a dancer. I love to dance however so we'll see. She'll find someone before I do, she's a little cutie. I've been trying but really, it's not happening. The person I thought was a bit interesting is just a game player so I won't go there. Summer's coming soon enough so I'll want to be single... or so I tell myself.
I'm not oblivious to know I also have to want it and get out there. I don't know if I even remember how to date... yeah, been a while. I'm used to the old "meet up here," or "go grab lunch/coffee," which I'm not sure is a date? Feedback?
There's a comment section... How do you ask someone out? What do you do on a date? #help too bad hashtags don't work here!
It was odd at lunch today... I saw no attraction towards Ali, in fact it felt like lunch was so superficial. Angie is our glue. We sat there, with a 3rd, and an hour after she got there she was ready to go. It felt like we were there for a while but then I had gone to the same place the day before and what felt like a short time 2 hours had passed... and we could've talked more. You just click with some... maybe all Ali and I had in common was music and an attraction? It felt good to be "over it."
Now... I mentioned something about being the only single one and a friend, much younger, invited me to go to Charlie's... and she's not a dancer. I love to dance however so we'll see. She'll find someone before I do, she's a little cutie. I've been trying but really, it's not happening. The person I thought was a bit interesting is just a game player so I won't go there. Summer's coming soon enough so I'll want to be single... or so I tell myself.
I'm not oblivious to know I also have to want it and get out there. I don't know if I even remember how to date... yeah, been a while. I'm used to the old "meet up here," or "go grab lunch/coffee," which I'm not sure is a date? Feedback?
There's a comment section... How do you ask someone out? What do you do on a date? #help too bad hashtags don't work here!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Plenty full of empty...
i wanted you, then i knew you, i saw through you
you cut me down, then shut me out
you showed me what loving you was about
i called out for help but no one answered my cry
i didn't give a reason i just popped on by
the plenty full of empty
in the dried tears i cry
i couldn't let it out, i couldn't tell a soul
you wouldn't set me free then just let go
you forced my lips sealed but my mind was so full....
i'm plenty full of empty
in the dried tears i cry...
you cut me down, then shut me out
you showed me what loving you was about
i called out for help but no one answered my cry
i didn't give a reason i just popped on by
the plenty full of empty
in the dried tears i cry
i couldn't let it out, i couldn't tell a soul
you wouldn't set me free then just let go
you forced my lips sealed but my mind was so full....
i'm plenty full of empty
in the dried tears i cry...
Hello Universe
Ever try putting something out there into the Universe and after a while wonder who the Universe is talking to because it sure isn't you? I've tried meditating, just tried thinking about it out there. I've done a visionboard and tried talking to the Angels.... perhaps nobody's listening right now. Am I sending the wrong message?
Meditating's hard, I don't think I can do it because I don't think meditating is supposed to be full of thoughts. When I lie awake at night I just think about everything and everyone and the goals I might have. Certain goals seem harder to obtain unless I run into some money.
I'd love to go to school but that takes money because the VA won't pay for me saying I'm unable to work which is a lie because there's certain jobs I can do out there... just as I'm typing now. The VA has disqualified me on everything I've tried applying for, it's discouraging. I don't qualify for a service dog, I gave up on a new chair/van though it would be nice.. I won't be without wheels over the Summer though.
I put out there into the Universe to answer me, one way or another... I think it'll be with a kick in the ass but prefer the later. Is love so hard to find? School?/ These minor things... single friends? All of my friends are now coupled off except 2. I see that as a problem... I go out alone most always not even planning to meet anyone there so that can't be telling anyone anything except I'm independantly single. Right?!
1 met a few people off the dating website but none kept my interest... not even to take the friendship closer and I guess that's me, I like closer. I thought maybe with one but if I had to be honest with myself I know it was more that she paid attention... she would actually be friend material. I just know her type hearing all the bs she puts up with from someone 12 years younger. Sometimes I wonder if people just settle, they don't feel they deserve better, or don't feel they can do better, or they want to fix people?
I loved my friends outlook on my love life... it's not that I'm afraid of commitment or don't want it it's that I won't settle. That's how it should be too.
Meditating's hard, I don't think I can do it because I don't think meditating is supposed to be full of thoughts. When I lie awake at night I just think about everything and everyone and the goals I might have. Certain goals seem harder to obtain unless I run into some money.
I'd love to go to school but that takes money because the VA won't pay for me saying I'm unable to work which is a lie because there's certain jobs I can do out there... just as I'm typing now. The VA has disqualified me on everything I've tried applying for, it's discouraging. I don't qualify for a service dog, I gave up on a new chair/van though it would be nice.. I won't be without wheels over the Summer though.
I put out there into the Universe to answer me, one way or another... I think it'll be with a kick in the ass but prefer the later. Is love so hard to find? School?/ These minor things... single friends? All of my friends are now coupled off except 2. I see that as a problem... I go out alone most always not even planning to meet anyone there so that can't be telling anyone anything except I'm independantly single. Right?!
1 met a few people off the dating website but none kept my interest... not even to take the friendship closer and I guess that's me, I like closer. I thought maybe with one but if I had to be honest with myself I know it was more that she paid attention... she would actually be friend material. I just know her type hearing all the bs she puts up with from someone 12 years younger. Sometimes I wonder if people just settle, they don't feel they deserve better, or don't feel they can do better, or they want to fix people?
I loved my friends outlook on my love life... it's not that I'm afraid of commitment or don't want it it's that I won't settle. That's how it should be too.
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