Ah, no more please?

I wanted to sit and write but then I figured I shouldn’t even though this is supposed to be a journal. I just need to make a more extended version linked to this for moments when I really need to let out. Like even after asking how much gas was put in… $20 me $10 her yet I go to my checkbook and see a charge for $30, like I wasn’t going to look, but then to blame it on me saying I said to put that much in I am no idiot and I’m not that high I don’t know when money isn’t discussed or missing. So yes, my van will not go anywhere unless I’m in it. This is why I hate putting more than ten bucks in… but to lie about it is another story. I know tomorrow I need to kick ass on these phone call’s, I knew I should’ve stayed in bed today and got some stuff done. Each day I get up I get more disgusted. I’m so happy I sold Nine Inch Nails because I would’ve hated going and then turn around to nothing getting done. Yes, I understand being tired… don’t stay up on the computer all night? I still feel stupid as hell, I feel so much right now I don’t feel safe writing… ever feel that?

I talked to my gram the other morning and out of the blue she tell’s me she’s meeting to buy my plot, but new regs say only 2 in a plot so I’ll be alone ten feet away from them. It was like a shock hearing about your plot and your headstone waiting for the final date. I cried and tried to keep it in but I couldn’t and C just got mad because I said I didn’t want to talk about it right now, why get mad when I was holding it in in my throat and just trying to grasp the whole reality of it all. I almost felt like, it’s time. Someone’s telling me something? I looked at urn’s later, figure hell, I might as well pick out a cool one. Normally a caring person would care a little upon hearing about this, your gf esp, but in the end… we’re alone anyway.

I can bleed I can cuss I can pretend I don’t care at all

But my blood runs thick and I actually do give a shit

I can love I can fight I can put up walls creating a maze

But my heart aches and I feel weak like a mouse who’s lost it’s way