i do so love spending alllllll day arguing... aside from maybe 3 hours? fuckkkkkkkkkk

trying this new laptop out and the white keys will soon be dark ha! till later indeed...

Warning: Venting

What can I say, I need to vent a little, so read on but be forewarned I just need to let loose and I think so many understand what I mean when I say “set myself free,” it’s just a matter of writing it and unleashing it out your head… helps a little anyway.

So with two days off I took C to a movie in hopes something might get done today… granted the movies and whatnot only took 4 or 5 hours out of the day, ordered dinner, like every night. The movie, See No Evil, was ok but nothing spectacular after seeing Saw II. But it’s so hard going out when I look around at all I’ve been waiting to have done for finishing my voice programming system. But I wrote my mom and I believe her and her boyfriend’ll come here and hook everything up tomorrow, hard scheduling something when stuff isn’t put together. How long has it been I said something about my plants being repotted and how many days have I spent in bed for something to get done? Too many. I get self destructive because I’m hearing “I don’t care” so much it does effect my self thinking. Some days I’ll ignore it and say fuck it, and take care of myself… by this I mean do my stretches and wash up completely not just lotion up or wash whatever I can wash MYSELF- not much.

My self destructiveness has only become worse as my frustration over no help in here worsens. I feel like I don’t have control in my house, I ask simply for a gate to my bathroom to keep cats out and it goes up by my bedroom door closing my dog in or out… umm, should it not be the other way around if anything? All I ask is it by my bathroom because the cat likes to go in there and I don’t trust he isn’t pissin in there as we caught him before. Too much? My frustration works my mouth regrettably but almost always I’ve apologized for what was said… I don’t get an apology, I’m stuck believing what she said is true, which it must be because I’ve not heard otherwise. I don’t do a thing for C anymore, she’s faked it the past few times- which have been well over a month ago because I’ve turned her down, why do it if ya gotta’ fake it. Sad thing is sometimes you do have to to just be done! Heck, I’ve tried, I show affection and get swatted away because it’s tickling her, good excuse I say, so I’m done now, I won’t get swatted away when I’m trying to touch someone. You can’t tell me her other gf’s didn’t rubb her hand or arm or play with her hair. Love is not grand and patience does not pay off, I’ve learned that much.

Well, I’m off to watch Golden Girls or some movie… I feel a bit better.

Proud of my mom!

Yes, I'm proud of my momma for looking so good and being so young, 51, and getting her own toy to pull behind her F350! Indeed "Badass Girls Drive Badass Toys!"

The Girl's!

Next year's trip is supposedly to be accessible and maybe I can come and my one short Auntie's got 3 nieces not on here... then it'll be the "sister's and the daughters." I've a funass family in MN... every year they do a hugeass Halloween party too complete with a maze of hay, a tracter ride through the cornfield where ya never know what'll happen, scary stories by the fire, and even camp out... last year they camped and awoke to a ground of snow!  Fun!  OHH, they went to Branson, Missouri!

Life is like...?

Life is like an amusement park, there’s games and rides, some rides go up and down and others turn you upside down, some make your tummy a bit nauseous while others excite you and send you to new heights of freedom and exuberance, in between the ride’s you might play a few a games however costly and sometimes you win right away, sometimes the second try, sometimes you just can’t win at the game, but with each attempt the prize gets bigger.

I can think of many other comparison’s but I thought to keep it at a certain length to submit for something. It was a thought I had and god only knows 7/10 people have once thought of life as an amusement park... but the extent of it can go one by one differently depending on the person... if I was to ask you how is an amusement park like life? you’d have many different answers! Think I should just edit it and toss it up for submition? So much has gone wrong here but I’m saving that, copy and paste when I’m done with the two page mess, or is it confess? Did I mention I got an A in my Deviant Behavior class? Yeah yeah, crack jokes! All the pictures up now, I guess we know what I look like except now my hair just got washed and I was watching Law & Order and I was like "that’s why C wants me to wear my hair like that..." her woman on the show and I have the same style hair only a matter of where the part is, ha. Oh and yes, "MARILIZE LEGAUANA!" I love that tshirt! I was able to get some sun yesterday but today me and c pretty much sat around here until she went to work, I still got up but it was no sunny day. I think we’ve basically learned when she gets me up and works at 4:30 it’s better to just stay in around here and get a lil done if we can. I can’t wait to see the yard all picked up and clean and wahoo, get my automatic door opener put on this week too! Oo, and Botox! Hopefully more interviews because it scares me this girl may know Fawn now it sets off warning bells, slacker? What looked promising turned out not to be because people aren’t showing up for the interviews... no wonder they can’t find work other than privately! This week is hopefully, I’m trying to tell myself, a new start, tolerance. But give and take and mutual respect, some things are real simple and quick and well, yeah, not here right now... positivity is what I’m going to try, but I need try that without thinking of it as hopeful. My inner battles sometimes get unleashed on the outsideand that’s where I get fucked or fuck myself, ha! Hmm, interesting thought to go off on........... till then.

Lego This!

Finally!

I can’t figure it out how to put my "Leggo my ego" shirt up here! This was after Bill Maher, the pictures of the 5 of us... col, gg, stef, and kelly. If I told you their screen names I might have to hurt ya. Isn’t col sexy trying to show off her itty bitty titties? G for that matter too... the rest of us would need the larger committee. Then there’s G and Stef, too cute, and oh so funny smackin’ and shakin’ that ass! The bar was empty but it made nice for talking and hanging out... but I still have a craving for sweet potato fries. We’ll definitely have to hit c’s friends up again and go back to that place, lil dive of a thing! Till then...... peace love and tokity!

Another day in paradise!

Many might call me stupid, and I very well might be, but it is who I am. C finally got her watch from her birthday or Valentines or some day like that and it looks great! I also picked out a cool wallet, like she said, "you get what you pay for," now not to let the cat get it! Ha! I love having our nice days and nights together but I hate having to argue just to get something done or it waits until she needs something. I’ve been waiting forever to get dirt around the rose bushes and plants replanted... granted they can’t replant my plants I’m hiring someone to come clean up my yard and garage and whatnot. After that they’ll come back every couple weeks to do clean up and shit. Gotta’ get rid of all the brick and bed and wood... ugh, all that’s in the garage? I’ve to find a contractor to do my garage roof still, find a nurse, find a cleaning person... ever feel overwhelmed? I’m still struggling with the nurse issue, I guess I should’ve hired the one with the fewest felony’s. I think I know why they’re doing private care when they list their background check info! I’m just tired of trying but I know something or someone will come along... or I can try calling Lola’s mom and check what she’s doing. I fear it’s coming to that. I just am trying to think how someone can handle three kids, a job, yet they can’t handle me and working and whatnot. I know I’m a handful but umm, yeah. My first thought if C gets the kids was "yayy, more to spoil, I get a girl and a little boy to pick clothes out for!" As I love spoiling and the Gap!! Then I think, am I that much of a handful because I see how things are now and I get yelled at for her being tired. I know we start at 8am, but knowing that is it my fault for being up until 3am? I even say I’ll stay in bed so this and that can get done instead, less labor for C? But still, it takes us arguing, which I really hate but it’s the bitter truth. Like today, she had yesterday off and all she did was go to the dentist and pick up my chair... she gets 20-40 depending on the day from the agency for doing my care but doing what everyone else would only they’d listen to me... like asking for the gate to be up so the cat stays out of my bathroom. He was caught pissin in my drain once so goddess only knows it’s like a litter box. Anyone else I can ask to put it up and that’s their job but not C, it pisses me of because for one, it’s MY house/bathroom, second because if she’s getting paid to do something I don’t care but the simplest of things could solve daily arguing. And it’s only 3:30 and I know today will be spent apart unfortunately. I need order a pizza though, I’m faintishly hungry. Hate that feeling..... tilt back, post this, get off..... off line not get off like masturbate though it’d be nice!! Till better dayzzzzzz, tokity!

No Woman No Cry

I can’t even remember now how many concert’s we’ve got going on this summer and Pearl Jam goes on sale tomorrow! Greatass show! So that’s Ben Harper, Nine Inch Nails, Melissa, Dave at Gorge in Portland (fun,) Dave in Boston w/ VIP passes, Dave here both night’s, umm The Fray, oh and Rob Thomas/Jewel... I love Red Rocks what can I say? We went to Wendy Woo last Thursday and holy shit was she ever awesome! She did “No Woman No Cry” early for me cuz I wasn’t feeling well enough to stay till the end... gotta’ give my girl prop’s for that. We took a few pictures I’ll still try putting up if I can figure out how to downsize them?? Damn digital camera’s! Her pic’s I think are on www.wendywoo.com! Things here are good and bad. I feel closer but yet feel more like she’s resenting having to do my care... and I’d name my reasons but I won’t. Understandable, I shoulda’ had a nurse by now. It seems I’ve no luck. I even went back tonight to make sure about people and really got nothing except one lady saying she’ll call tomorrow. The weekends I’ve two people that want to trade every other weekend or I’ve no one really. There’s like 5 numbers on my list I didn’t call… no hablo mucho espanol. That was supposed to say I don’t speak much Spanish. Pretty good but don’t ask me to go beyond that! I’m replacing the ad tomorrow in hopes maybe summer classes and all being out and over, well one can hope for newness. I should upload the pictures since I switched to my laptop… hmm. Not much else to tell, my tan’s looking awesome but so are my tanlines! Well, I’m outty like my shirt when so many come over! Tokity it up ya’all!