Hard Days... Night!

Today was one of the most trying days I've had in a long while. I kept thinking, a 36 yr old crying like a baby. Not just crying but sobbing. Why is it when one thing goes wrong the shit just seems to keep coming?

At first my cup holder broke, no biggie, duck tape... then the coke tumbled all over me, the chair, and the floor. Still, I was cool with that. So then my chair proceeds to go out of commission in the middle of the room. Not just did the chair go out but I didn't have my cell on me and the house phone was beeping low battery. Danger #1, can't move, can't pee, can't call for help. My mom came and this other guy... he popped the loose wires and fuse back in and we're up and running... for another couple hours. It went out again as I was titled outside forcing me to call 911. 6 firefighters later I was in bed at 5pm. Great life... that's what I was thinking.

A few breathes later and I'm ok. I know I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I was crying because of frustration and it's all just emotionally trying. As if I knew I wasn't independent before. Right?!

As this night goes on all I can think about is having my freedom. I just get my license and then the chair breaks. I still haven't gone on the highway, still haven't driven Red Rocks. Right now I feel so drained I can't think straight, let alone my mind's preoccupied.

It's funny how as I was stuck I said to myself "I wonder who can catch my  vibe out there and know somethings wrong. I heard from a couple people and they didn't surprise me they'd be there or just ironicly text when needed. Little saviors.

And now, it's time to relax and just watch some tv... after I make a fool of myself but I think the hint's there for something, her need to know I'm there? And... I am.

Then it was night, avoidance.

What is it that draws me in yet puts me on my guard? My heart, sensative it is, breaks easily even through the walls that block it. I see in your eyes something that tells me to keep going but then you walk away quiet as can be so I can not see. I keep trying however I'm beginning to think it's time to stop this non sense before I make a fool of myself. I don't feel I'm good enough compared to what I've seen by your side. I don't compare. There's so much I want to do and so much to say but what have I to give? My bad habits keep me from love. My guarded and taken hearts stops me from going further. I can stop, I can give up, I can start loving again... if I can just move on.#giveitup

These days I'm going over in my head all I wish to do... school, volunteer, paint, and get some surgery done. I wish I knew where I could try some stem cells and see if perhaps it can help more. Now that I've my license I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more. All my "friends" I was so anxiosly waiting to get my license to go see are no longer in the picture. Now that someone can call up and say "let's meet for a drink.." no one calls. I reached out to the ones I've stayed in touch with and for the most only one person has come through, the busiest one. Which makes me think of how pathetic facebook is with their "friends." Maybe I'm wrong but if you're in the same town as me and I haven't seen you in a yr or and you ignore me, surely we shouldn't be friends. #fedup

I'm trying to control myself and I should put the computer on the floor so I don't write "her." I already feel like I've reached out enough without anything in return and I know I've gotten hints... or was it a cold shoulder because I was with some other girls I just met? She confuses me at times but yet it could be me confusing me. I flirt yes but I haven't in a while. I just attract people no matter where I go. Sometimes that's good and bad. Drunk people aren't the type I really care to attract. This drunk guy told me I made him feel sick to his stomach because I was happy and smiling... should I have been different? Depressed? Vengeful? Maybe full of rage? What can I say, I am me. #stillsmiling

I keep looking up at the tab to write a note but in the midst of everything I know I'd only be making a bigger fool of myself. When you go to a different table to eat knowing what table I'm at... that's the biggest hint. Writing this is helping because I'm actually getting more pissed. No text answer about anything. Hint. The not subtle things you do speaks volumes to me. What do I fdo? #confused