Holding on

I'm holding onto something that never will be, hoping the day will come she won't quit me. I try to pull her closer in but there lies my heart exposed only to be let go. I've held on this long and nothing gets easier, all i ever wanted was to please her. I am by doing this, what she wants I can't fully grasp. I know the situation, a complicated one yet not so... not so complicated when the choice is clear. My heart says one thing while my rational side says let go, move on so we can carry on. But it does no good, I ache without knowing she's "there" as we know we can be. Is it a matter of me stepping aside so she can rekindle something? It seems like more and more that might be happening and she'd say nothing where I would rather know. It would make it easier to let go. Their sleeping together again so something's going right. And a week long trip is coming so there's no questioning. Why would it bother me? Because it's a clear sign things are over? I don't know. She never asked me to wait to see what might be. Maybe she never seen me as anything but a friend she's slept with, kisses, and fell in love with. I question myself as if I'm going to get some answers from within. Everyday the same thought crosses my mind for one reason or another, let her go to rebuild with him. She'll never let go anyway... so what am I doing to myself? To her? Of course she's getting what she wants, I'm here for her at anytime, there's nothing physical except a few pecks, she knows I'm still in love with her. I will be for a while... I'm not like some who can move on 2 or 3 weeks later. All I want is her but her anxiety and guilt over being dishonest drives her away. I wish she could be honest with him. Then again, if she doesn't have those feelings anymore I'm with her, nobody needs to know. There were a few that said they could tell just by looking at her how much she felt for me. It's hard to give in and give up. I still try and still comment but to do that to someone who doesn't want it, I need someone who does. I need to be able to wrap my arm around someone, touch them if it's just a slight swipe of the hand, kiss them whenever I want that's appropriate. I need someone who see's me and says "Hi" with a kiss because they want to not because I ask. I need someone who shares the same feelings, enjoys the same things, and has the connection that we do. Someone I can hold and wants to be held. Someone I can spoil and not think twice if it'll go to waste. I don't need to have sex to have a relationship but it might be nice to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm stuck. She is all I want and all I need but it's time, it's time, it's time to move on. My love.

Stay or Stray?

My mind races and I wonder what to do with it besides write. Maybe that's all  i should do is fill notebook's upon notebook's full of unpublished gibberish. Maybe I'm not meant to do much except live life to the fullest i know... except when it's cold out my fullest includes coffee, cigarettes, smoke, and a movie! And maybe I'm not meant to figure everything out and just let things happen. Summer's coming so we don't want any tie downs it's meant for fun. I'm not even going to but 2 shows at Red Rocks this year, kind of sad really. Locals!
Speaking of locals, Congratulations to my Blackout ladies and the fab duo I'm With Her for making The Westword Music Showcase. Good things, good things. Am I lucky? I don't know. I thought i would let go but i keep getting sucked in. I've excuses but maybe those need to stop too and be the strong one. I am weak when she says anything at all and her kiss still makes me breathless and dizzy. If I see her flushed I'm doing something right. Her lips are not mine like I thought nor her body nor her heart. I couldn't keep it and the void I feel I can hardly express.
I knew things would happen, being married also has a physical side. I thought I could handle it but not talking about it is almost worse than guessing or wondering... So i just have to believe it's happened. No married couple is going to go 3 months without sex, do they? Things have gotten better and I should be happy, part of me is but the part that's in love with her wants to flee. I heard her finally laugh at a text, from him, that's good. That's a positive thing. So where do I stand when she tells me nothing has changed, she still feels the same feelings, still loves me? What do I do? Stand beside her, loving her, kissing her, falling further, but waiting... and waiting for what? Her to decide to have me on the side as she wants? For a split? For a mutual understanding? She says she's an honest person... not with her heart if it is with me and not with her husband. She can be honest with everyone except him. Well, honesty wouldn't be chalking this relationship up to "two friends that love each other deeply." Perhaps that's my answer there... so then what was I?
I can do without having sex for a while, the art of kissing can be so much more intense... with the right person. Perhaps my wishes should be that I never fell for someone married. It wasn't a choice, it just happened. Flirting turned into something so much more. I was told now she knows what love is supposed to feel like. Why stay in a loveless unaffectionate marriage? Two reasons, kids and finances. God knows I don't make enough and her style of living... she would never be happy with me. Who am I kidding? Sure I saw down the road with her but knowing she was married I never thought about "forever," I only thought season to season.. like what we'll do this Summer.
I still want her by my side but she no longer misses our time together. I don't hardly say "I miss you" anymore because I know either she doesn't feel it or won't say it. I thought about living this week out and then when she goes away, I go away. It seems like a easy solution. I can't bear the thought... she'll be kept busy and preoccupied so I'm trying to do the same. Can't even sneak a call with a phone card. I'll live, I'll get back in my groove and then see her at some show. It seems to be the answer as I write. I can maybe then, after that long, give her what she wants... a Bestie? Or will I still look at her with lust in my eyes? Something about her just gets me excited in an instant. I don't know if I'll find this again... I will, someday. It just took so long to find her and to feel this strongly and to let go... unfair to myself. It took years to free myself from Michelle and I'd be lying if I said I still don't love her, but this here, this relationship goes beyond what we had. Will it take years to get over her? Not if I try engulfing in someone else. Even if I was just a player, though how can I be, I can't sleep around, but I can kiss around. It won't feel the same as her lips which matched mine touch for touch and all the feelings that went with it. Who knows, she may return and plant one on me that says all I need to know. It's in a kiss.
Now to rest my eyes and hopefully my mind.

Nobody knows... But you.

Back and forth we keep going because this love neither of us can let go of. Through the guilt and pain you still want to hang on... am I the weak one for not being able to stop? Finding happiness inside yourself is most important because you will then reflect that. I know you need that for the kids... One reason why I wanted nothing but you smile. And you did everything. I'd love to stay by your side and see where, if anyway at all, This could go. You are my inspiration, my smile, my heart, my love. I understand you don't have the strength, But I wonder if there is even a want To do anything about it. If the damage is done and counseling will do no good then what my love? I need you in my life, I can't take our friendship away, but I can't stop loving and wanting you this way. We need a new plan. My love.

What's deserved..

If there was a time it has passed. I've completely fallen in love and couldn't let go if I tried. The feelings exchanged between us are so passionate, loving, and intense. I love the letting go and feeling and embracing the happiness found in each other. It's hard not to feel I've complicated things even more by bringing such joy to a life of pain. How does anyone live in such misery and still keep a smile on their face? Walking on eggshells, never saying a thing worth really talking about really. Yes, I understand and have heard the anger, hurt, resentment. All places you don't want a relationship to go. 

I can't bring myself to walk away knowing how I feel in it's rare find. I don't look around and see if there's better out there because I'm so happy. Now, tonight, I feel it ripped away, and can't help but wonder what's next. I know I can't do this and I know I can't watch anyone go through abuse caused by myself. Maybe it was bad before me but it seems worse... (or in you're happiness you're just realizing how much you've been missing out on and deserve more.) Everyone deserves to be told "I love you" everyday and a kiss "Hello," or "Goodbye." If the choice is to stay where you know you're miserable than you'll reflect that. If you're completely happy you'll exude that and everyone around you will feel it.

For instance: ____ coming over with a bundle full of stressful energy and the first thing you do is say "You need a joint!"  Then there's ____, walks in, hugs, laughs, talk, you don't need to detensify them. Yes, my own made up word maybe but that's OK. My house is all about detensifying and cleansing and calm. I love that people think and feel that way. My place is the place to decompress. 

And to My Love.
     The night was missing without you. I still read your words from the last text, "...my mind and soul and heart are with you all the time." Who can't rest easy with that? I love that about you, your reassurances. After today and tonight I sense a change coming again. My heart fears which way it may blow because I don't want to let go. How often have I found someone like you? Never. How many times have I known this bliss when I'm with you? Never. That's hard to give up once found because you may not find it again. I am happy alone because I'm secure with our love. Part of me is afraid if you weren't tied down you wouldn't be here with all the talk I here about men. Why me then? Did you think it was "safe?" I guess we know that's not the case, even more so when your heart's involved. I'm glad you're able to see now all that you could have and more with no holding back. Imagine, not having to hide or hold back except in front of little people. Respect. I'm not forcing anything except trying to Enforce some talking... which seems like is far overdue. Talking not leaving or walking out, underneath you have to find the love and at least be friends and soon, that won't be there. I don't want you to be afraid of anything. I'm here and not going anywhere right now. It is hard when I can't see you let alone call and now texting you has been taken away. I feel this is going to get hard but I'm trying to hang in there, because you are the one I'm in love with. My love.