Middle of the night madness

Another late night. I knew I shouldn't of drank that caffeinated coffee. Now I'm wide awake and keep thinking about someone I would rather not. I've been good so far about not saying anything and not acting on anything. I don't think I could ever make the first move either way. I never had the guts to do that... is there something wrong with me? I don't think I miss out on much. I always think I'm put into the "friend" category and leave it up to the other person to take me out of there. I've been told that's a two-way street sometimes. How do we ever know if someone feels the same unless they're blunt? 

Tonight I'm caught, between the present and something in the past that could never be because it never was. What was fun before puts thoughts in my head about what could be right now. At times I feel a spark but pass it off as miscommunication. It's even harder when the spark lies with the past and inhibits the present and future. 

A few of my problems have always been being too emotional... feeling things that aren't really there.... Not being able to live in the present, though I've gotten a lot better with that I still have further to go. 

I usually find it's better to write it out, my kind of problem solving or meditation.  

I believe the saying is true, distance does make the heart grow fonder. Too bad it doesn't take it away. You would think I would know better after Michelle in Wisconsin. There's another case of something that was but nothing that ever was. There's one person that cut me and still has a piece of me 20 years later. I'd like to say I'm in love with somebody from the past and that she is as different as I am when we feel for each other. Who knows if those same butterflies would be there if we seen each other tomorrow. I'm not fooling myself. 

Figuring all this out at 2 AM is just not going to happen but hopefully now I can fall asleep.... 

Summer

As Summer ends I'm soaking up some of the last warmth of the sun while getting a tan. I can tell with each night getting chillier that hibernation will soon be setting in.  I find my fireplace is far too enticing on a cold night.  Fireplace, movie or music, and good friends are all I need. 

I've already decided next Summer is reserved for fixing this place up.  One party at the beginning to kick off Summer and my birthday and one at the end.  There's quite a bit of work that could be done... and I believe I can use this new program to help.  

This new VA program allows me to do my own hiring and firing, I control the wages but still have a cap so no one can take advantage of it. It also pays for massage therapy, a gym or personal trainer at home, personal chef, lawn mowing, ADT, restain my pergola, (mental notes,) pretty much everything. The key is making the money last all month. Great program as long as the caregivers are reliable.  

It's been such a great Summer and I don't want it to end. The only good thing is I build my savings up again for next Summers adventures.  I'll take it easier on spoiling friends with Red Rocks tix, it's just so much fun so maybe one concert. By far the funnest concert is Michael Franti still. It's like a fun dance party! December will be fun! 

I need some major yard clean up done. Sometimes I just look around like I'm telekinetic and can use the force to magically move things.  

I got close to my ex fling again this past Summer too.  She makes me smile but I don't think I could ever go down that road again... although kissing her wouldn't be half bad, she was one of my favorites to kiss. It's been great hanging out with quite a few new people this past Summer. Only one caught my eye, caught most people's for that matter. The more I learned about her the more I thought I was falling for someone similar to my mom. Oh no. Stopped that quick. I have realized that I'm attracted to people that thoroughly enjoy or play music. If you can play and sing, Watch out! 

I've stuffed my feelings aside before and this time is no different. What will be will be is the way I see it. I'm happy and pretty damn content. I think it's just missing someone to kiss and hold. Maybe it's just winter coming. During the summer everyone wants to be free. I don't mind either way as long as I'm having fun.... and what a ride it's been so far.