Denver Pride!

So yes, we had fun Pride weekend Friday night, well all I can say is yummy! Me and Coleen had fun dancing but I did miss meeting everyone, guess I’m too young cuz nobody invited us either, dancing is more our thing if we can get out to do it. I won’t try anymore to meet anyone or anything because the mutuality of it all doesn’t seem to be there... everything happens for a reason, next time butttttttttttt I’ll probably be out dancing. I don’t much drink, would rather have a coke than a beer, say anything? I’ll be the drunk acting all drunk. The Go-Go Dancers were sexy too so who could pass that up? We were out till 1:30 which isn’t late for some but here it is when you still have about 30-45 min to also get in bed.

Saturday we want to The Fray concert which I’ve pics of also but most didn’t turn out. We did take some good video with the camera, makes me want a bigger memory card! How to make it on a cd/dvd now?? Help?? It was indeed great but I hope for Red Rocks he doesn’t have his back to half the people! We were going to go to Silke’s club party but couldn’t remember where it was luckily cuz C needed sleep... crabby otherwise. Yet if we went out and stayed till 3am I’d still have to wake up at 8am for a nurse, not fair she’d get to sleep in.

Sunday was a doozy. We argued halfway through the day ruining it entirely. I left the van wide open at the PO because I thought Col was still there and walked home... where she was too, ha! I guess we both know now what we say is what we’ll do. I figure cut this east coast trip down 2/3 days, save $500, why we going? Shoot if only for the concert then maybe just a couple day trip, I don’t get much feedback but it’d be nice to know kinda what our plans are. I never gave thought the dang 1800# calling could be The David Letterman show till now, maybe I’ll pick up next time. Ellen’s show called from a 800#!

The biggest disappointment was the three stooges totally ignoring me... Friday night it took a while for them to actually say hi, oh, and they’re not mad.... come Sunday at Pridefest downtown they totally ignored us and Terri and Melanie- who I won’t recommend anyone to listen to her because she’s so shallow she actually walked around us to avoid saying hi! If that’s what you call a friend, please don’t waste my time. It hurt but not that much because the two that mattered said hello right at the door and right away when we first seen her. Silke, who I can not say one bad thing about, I love her and all her endeavors... which she is fucking fun. And then Terri, a good person once away from drama, good girl! Ha! Silke we seen Friday and Sunday and no matter how much time passes between seeing her she’s the same loveable party animal! Who doesn’t know Silke or is it who doesn’t Silke know? The three stooges are one ex and a couple? Or threesome? Who the heck knows, it’s weird! I couldn’t live with my ex and girlfriend and I couldn’t be the girlfriend allowing such shit even the affection is not like a friendship... to each their own as long as they’re happy right? Why be so ignorant and play the ignore game? Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s shallow and has bad karma written all over it. Friends, what’s the true definition in your words?

C and I had a few good days run and then I guess I fucked everything up. I can’t do anything right. This morning was my fault, I thought the pets were C taking the trash out for some reason and well, my candle was out and needless to say I didn’t react well when she huffed about lighting it... new on night list is a brand new dark candle lit. problem solved but I still need to apologize still... see, the difference between her and I, I can apologize for my actions and words but she’d rather leave me thinking about it as if it wasn’t just words spoken. she's funny, I did something and she called me the master and now I want to get the bracelet that says that! I’ve earned it... well, gimme 5 more times then maybe I’ll have earned it but then C'll be forever traumatized if we ever part because her next lover won't meet the grade. hey, i just know I’m good with my mouth... what fucking quad isn't? Ha!! Joke but also true because you use your mouth a lot more for things an able bodied person would simply use their hands to do... like velcroing the braces or grabbing things or undoing/unwrapping things. Great tests I might add, the unwrapping things with your tongue/mouth and the tying a cherry stem into knots! I win!

THE FRAY SATURDAY

THE FRAY WERE AWESOMEEEEEE BUT YOU LOOKED MORE AT HIS DAMN BACK THAN ANYTHING...... FACE THE FRIGGIN PIANO UP N FACING THE CROWD?? BRANDI CARLISLE OPENED, WAHOO AND THE LAST PIC IS WITH THEIR PLATINUM RECORD? GOLD?

FRIDAY NIGHT PRIIDE

Another grand day/night

another great night and they say never go to bed angry... guess i better think off! oy vey, love is every fucking emotion brought out in you and still loving them when they arise right? still, it would be nice to know if you should be telling people yes, you're single or no, we're not together when they ask about her. i tried showing affection today but she again pulled away... just wanting to touch her hand... oy vey. women.

great f'ing birthday

A great birthday! I really AM in a relationship, I think, I’m not sure really… I think it says something when me and Col were sitting at the bar watching the soccer playoff’s on the same tv, I even turned to watch it, and when this girl sits down on the other side of her she switches to watch the other tv in the girl’s direction, so I moved up putting more distance between us. A stool was between the girl and Col and when this other girl came to sit next to her friend Col finally turns back towards me, funny. She didn’t notice but I did. I listened and they talked while the whole time we sat there without talking, not silence but just simple like “can I have a light?” “ouch” but I realized her and I don’t talk. There really is no relationship is there? Shoot, should say enough that she can read erotica books and talk about how fucking hot the stories are and then not even want to do anything… hmm, makes ya wonder1 I don’t need to wonder, I trust my intuition. Needless to say I had an awesome birthday today, arguing for 97.5% of it, even now we’re arguing because why?

Does someone’s tone of voice say a lot??

Like actions and I’ve tried showing affection but it’s all those nice gestures that go unnoticed. Most often the negative is noticed more than the positive in any situation. I feel like fuck, why should I be nice to her and get treated like this? Ugh, I hate commitments.

"I"

I used to write about life’s journeys and different paths until I thought I was no one to say what was good, bad, right, wrong, but then who is because it’s our own path.

I tried writing about the ever going search for contentment, clarity, calm, cleansing of all I had done in the past… forgive yourself for wrong actions? Once again, who bam I but one of the same simply searching patiently as each day goes by.

I could put a thought down on paper and ramble on about it for a page. I could put together what I remembered. What I felt, touched, tasted, seen in one moment could be written into some erotic masterpiece that leaves you craving pleasure.

I still do a little here and there and all that was has been deleted and now it’s starting over. I’ve learned never do anything when you’re upset, you might regret it… then there’s a flip side that says some good damn writing can become of such emotions, just listen to some music. Music, the gift that gives voice to our many feelings.

Still, I continue to try and get high and write what I know and others take how they wish to interpret it due to what’s going on in their life. I still try what I used to because I don’t know how to quit……….

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Saturday night not gettin laid... ha!

Another Saturday night at home, I’m beginning to really hate the point my life is at right now. I’d be lying if I denied wanting to just give up, but I don’t or haven’t yet nor plan on it. It would be nice to get back into staying up but I don’t know what that would take… no offense, but one is someone who can understand me, speaks English as first language, as a caregiver so I can direct my care and not go without stretching and putting the proper ointments on. Should I have to teach what top and bottom is?

Coleen’s cat’s horny again… he’s like his momma, trust me. She drives me nuts because I try touching her and she moves away but she runs around topless and in her lil daisey duke undies w/ half her ass sticking out… cute. Ha, she’ll love me writing about her ass… now, we both know I could write more incriminating things! Things are going better more than worse even though e’ll have our little spat, walk out the room, and talk like it was what it was, a lil crabby morning love spat… now gimme my coffee bitch! Ha! Should go coffee, cigarette, then argue always because I don’t want to be without my coffee let alone cigaretttttes! Whichever “friend” fwd’s these journals to her won’t fwd this one because there’s nothing to say, poor thing you!! I doubt they’re getting sent or she could say who and not say “oh I deleted it already… “ Off this page will be a link to a private journal for that but don’t be offended when you don’t get the access. I even know she’ll be late tonight, intuition and oh well… toke up, toke up! I figure fuck it, take ALL the pain away. I’m just sitting here thinking, damn it would be great to go out, we need that too. Listening to Blue October makes me just wanna go dance, I love them the more I play the cd. The first time I was like umm nah, then we put it in my big cd player and I love it! C’s right, deep shit, I feel myself relate to a lot of the words or thinking “yupp.”

Next weekend me and C will go out Friday, Sat’s The Fray (which we got front row tix this morning to them at red rocks,) and Sunday C wants to get up 8am for the parade, that means no going out dancing Saturday and who knows how long I can be up after that… but I’ve never seen the parade here either. I guess we’ll see. Hate to spend the day in bed too but dealing with the pain is going to be hard. The other day the pain made me actually nauseous and all I did was lay flat and I was fine. Sucks when it’s that bad and is treated like it’s nothing by GD VA! Well, there’s my venting on the VA!! Ugh, here’s hoping for a good night and NONE OF THIS GETS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!

Just Venting so bipass this entry!

They say when you loan money out to think of it as a gift because 9/10 times you’ll never see the money again. Instant regret, ever feel that upon writing the check out, like you know you shouldn’t do it but if you don’t then you’ll feel like shit? Call me a dumbass for $1800 to Coleen… $1600 for her credit card after going to court but she lied about that because I heard her say $1500 something so she just wanted extra fucking money and 200 was supposed to be donated to my EX for doing the 3 day breast cancer walk… guess where that money is? Ha, I couldn’t even tell you! I wanted her to do the donation because Starbucks will match it, makes sense right? Well, trust but we all know how that goes. (of course I’ll get my money back after this, provided it’s not gone, vs. her doing what we planned because journaling about it will piss her off to much she won’t donate it.) I feel like such a dumbass because then I get treated like shit. I can’t even get TO my computer to change my DSL code vs. canceling it. I figure what am I doing when this girl doesn’t even want me? She actually came home and told me about some chick going into Starbucks. Now I know she’s a flirt, I am too, but there’s a sense of security knowing you’re with somebody and they look rather than knowing they’re “looking.” but even hearing that the other night I still gave her money. I felt like I OWED it to her because she does my morning care…. Most people get room and board for care, she gets room and board for a few hours care and not even the 4hour routine in the morning is for me, it’s 2 hours for me, 1 hour for her to go online in the morning, and another hour doing shit around here. Yes I get 3 cups of coffee maybe 4 during this time… so I do interrupt for help. This is why I need a morning aide because hopefully it’ll help my sanity, I’m throwing shit, water, ashtray, pills, we slack off and then don’t get done till 2 and I get frustrated because the next aide comes at 3, makes no GD sense… I need help, I’m not afraid to admit it. It must be fate because I found the therapists number today. I think that’s a sign.

Ahhh, ok, I don’t want to delete what’s already been written…. As most writers don’t want to go back and change things and other times changing makes it better. I had a cool off period and toked up, not that that helps really but this damn leg pain and I just don’t want to get higher than a damn kite just to ease the pain. Damn nurse wanted to do an abdomen check… I felt like taking my shit into her for proof there’s NOT a bowel problem, or too much medication, causing my pain. She hears I’m passing out and doesn’t hear the “from so much pain” part… any normal person would think if it’s muscle pain, cramps, it’s not from TOO MUCH medication but lack there of!! I’m not a friggin’ Dr and I know this much!

I hate venting about C but I need to and figure fuck it, like she said, she don’t care anyway. To me, anyone would care about their girlfriend, lover, going to court for money she can pay off but not to their $500 a month! It’s love and guilt that makes me do it. Love because I would do that for my girlfriend, guilt, because if I had a morning Aide she could work full time, she could now at an afternoon job? No fun in that though. I feel so confused because I feel like I should be treated differently than what I’m treated now… there is no reason for my temper and throwing shit, but it’s all I can do! It was awesome when C cleared the table the other day! She did better than me because she got everything on the table and pushed it across the room, my running the mess over created a bigger mess, but two thumbs up for her “temper tantrum!” See, I guess there’s a kid inside us all!! Our trip to the east coast is kinda planned… I’ll have to go back out there with somebody else and check out all the places I want to! This trip’s gonna be a quicky so I can save my money for the next trip or for something else. Sorry, I can’t sit and spend days with somebody’s family when I’ve seen just how fucking much they’ve done to her! I know we have our fights but like I said, I needed to vent, no doubt I’ll get the money back each week by C’s tips, it’ll be fine… her mom could’ve given her money just collecting $25,000 from lottery, she could offer to help with something, that’s why I was pissed when thinking before about the loan- ok, I’ll loan you money while you spend $100 on your mom, or $40 on a winter fucking jacket when it’s summer. After paying for this trip it does “pang” me a bit to hear about needless spending. I know it’ll work out, it always does… I’ve like 3 numbers to call back about nursing, pray!!

"I'm Not Normal"

This was just some thought inspired by Adrina Thorpe, a singer, after her blog on "i'm not normal." She's lovely if anyone gets a chance to check out her music and her!

if intolerance is normal than nobody would be liked, if dying for a lie is normal than we might as well lye down now, if poverty is normal than we should all be hungry with no shelter, if being persecuted for loving who you fall in love with is normal than why love at all? I LOVE BEING ABNORMAL!

Still.....

I don’t quite know what to say yet the feelings are still around, I don’t know how to phrase things and make it a better day. The more I say my mouth just slides, to this hole that’s been dug and the reason’s why I hide. Blood runs thick as words just slip so losely from my tongue and gradually I become undone. I gave and give my all to you up until up until I came unglued. They say opposites attract and I see where they might be just a touch right but then we can’t forget the others or nobody’s left.

The silence thinking...

Love is like unlocking a door and saying “here I am, do with me what you will,” and from there it’s all about actions and sharing what’s inside you. The biggest line ever told is “I need fix myself before…” This is true to some extent but after so much I believe you can work on your-self as well as invite love in again. Just because you feel love doesn’t mean you have divert your attention totally away from getting healthy once again, or more so, feeling healthy emotionally. Love helps us make it through many things. Love should allow you to grow separately as well as continue on your own self discovery. This is where sharing and questions come in. sharing yourself, not just sexually, is a major key in any relationship, especially loving someone. Questions, don’t be afraid to ask and try to get involved. Love is a two way street and there are many two way’s, the path’s that go one usually lead to a dead end!

I indeed feel the trying here, if even it is just giving me a sip of water before going down in bed. Even offering to wait so she can also get the drink she said she was waiting for wouldn’t get me a drink. I went without though my mouth was so dry my lips were sticking to my teeth and it hurt to swallow… I can’t imagine getting tortured as they do to people. But this is an example of a one way street. A simple sip of water would’ve, could’ve, but didn’t take away from 5 more minutes of arguing.

Some things have easier solutions than others do but there’s something called “compromise” that makes things a lot simpler.

Ah, no more please?

I wanted to sit and write but then I figured I shouldn’t even though this is supposed to be a journal. I just need to make a more extended version linked to this for moments when I really need to let out. Like even after asking how much gas was put in… $20 me $10 her yet I go to my checkbook and see a charge for $30, like I wasn’t going to look, but then to blame it on me saying I said to put that much in I am no idiot and I’m not that high I don’t know when money isn’t discussed or missing. So yes, my van will not go anywhere unless I’m in it. This is why I hate putting more than ten bucks in… but to lie about it is another story. I know tomorrow I need to kick ass on these phone call’s, I knew I should’ve stayed in bed today and got some stuff done. Each day I get up I get more disgusted. I’m so happy I sold Nine Inch Nails because I would’ve hated going and then turn around to nothing getting done. Yes, I understand being tired… don’t stay up on the computer all night? I still feel stupid as hell, I feel so much right now I don’t feel safe writing… ever feel that?

I talked to my gram the other morning and out of the blue she tell’s me she’s meeting to buy my plot, but new regs say only 2 in a plot so I’ll be alone ten feet away from them. It was like a shock hearing about your plot and your headstone waiting for the final date. I cried and tried to keep it in but I couldn’t and C just got mad because I said I didn’t want to talk about it right now, why get mad when I was holding it in in my throat and just trying to grasp the whole reality of it all. I almost felt like, it’s time. Someone’s telling me something? I looked at urn’s later, figure hell, I might as well pick out a cool one. Normally a caring person would care a little upon hearing about this, your gf esp, but in the end… we’re alone anyway.

I can bleed I can cuss I can pretend I don’t care at all

But my blood runs thick and I actually do give a shit

I can love I can fight I can put up walls creating a maze

But my heart aches and I feel weak like a mouse who’s lost it’s way