for me is what i wonder, for you is all i got
for me could you light that fire, for you i let go
for me was that rattle, for you i sat and stared
for me you moved out the way, for you my heart does stay
for us let things go, for you don't love me anymore.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Willingly
All I can think, was it only me? Did I see and feel something that had been hidden from us? Did I feel a spark? When I look at her and our eyes lock my heart starts to flutter and I can't help but look away. I can't let this feeling stay. The butterflies start flying and I start falling.
Her touch is magic and makes me tingle. My hands upon her as people sit and mingle, she captivates me, and my body gets her lingo. I sit so nonchalant as if nothing can break me but the throbbing already tells me I am broken.
She is secretive and in disguise, I am prey to her demise. Willingly.
Her touch is magic and makes me tingle. My hands upon her as people sit and mingle, she captivates me, and my body gets her lingo. I sit so nonchalant as if nothing can break me but the throbbing already tells me I am broken.
She is secretive and in disguise, I am prey to her demise. Willingly.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Finding the light
so i see this light, i remember that scary movie, "don't go near the light," then suddenly "run towards the light." as if carolanne wasn't confused enough simply being stuck... wherever. i thought i was confused by seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, i was confused, there was no light. not even a spark. if there was anything, it was worse than it was better. yes, i really do believe i've fucked up and repairing what's been broke... it's damage is complete.
i wanted for something better and i tried for it without really trying. is it pathetic for a 36 yr old to write a "letter" each night as if i was blogging? does it say something about me? i didn't write every night but almost every night i had my computer. i was too open. some openness should be saved for your "really good" friends. almost feels like high school with the cold shoulder and refusal to say anything for that matter. i feel like something, anything, can be said, should be, but it's not.
tonight i wanted to write something more enjoyable but my mind is too side tracked again. women will do that, even when they're not yours, or is it especially if they're not? i need some direction somewhere and even if it all came back, things just aren't the same because i'm the type that has to feel it to reveal it and i no longer feel it there, her there anymore.
no more fifty shades here. i'm adopting one color now, black. black to find me the light.
i wanted for something better and i tried for it without really trying. is it pathetic for a 36 yr old to write a "letter" each night as if i was blogging? does it say something about me? i didn't write every night but almost every night i had my computer. i was too open. some openness should be saved for your "really good" friends. almost feels like high school with the cold shoulder and refusal to say anything for that matter. i feel like something, anything, can be said, should be, but it's not.
tonight i wanted to write something more enjoyable but my mind is too side tracked again. women will do that, even when they're not yours, or is it especially if they're not? i need some direction somewhere and even if it all came back, things just aren't the same because i'm the type that has to feel it to reveal it and i no longer feel it there, her there anymore.
no more fifty shades here. i'm adopting one color now, black. black to find me the light.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Save it for here...
At long last I've done it, I knew I should have been blogging vs writing love letters or simply notes that just share "Me." Now, I have to face the facts that I went too far, shared too too much, and was too open with all I wrote. I fucked up... Again.
"Fifty Shades of Fucked Up," this is also me. As I read more and more and as slow as Fifty Shades of Grey is I like it's simplicity and have come to the conclusion that... I'm much more kinkier than the book and just as "Fucked Up." The book inspires me to write somewhat but then others expectations keep me from trying. What if I don't write better? What if mine is just as "Sophomoric?" I don't write using toys or at least I don't recall ever having written such a story. I could because thinking about the experiences alone makes me throb. "My inner Goddess" freaks out at the thought and wants it again. Can you be submissive?
As written above is the whole reason I should have been writing here, plus I may have indulged a bit more on things. The above should be written to a girlfriend or lover or just someone who's "comfortable" with reading it. Secure. When I write, some things aren't as they always seem. Rhetorical writing. Not that everything's rhetorical but bits and pieces could be.
I'm trying to be the better person and mend some bridges with a couple people that don't deserve it but I won't do Any favors for anymore. Friends like these I don't need others to screw me over, they do it themselves. At times lately I've felt alone, like I've no one really to call up and say "let's go..." or even "wanna come over?" I get the couples in their own world and I guess that means I need more single friends. My problem is getting to know people, then trusting them and hope they're there for the right reasons... and not because "Nikki pays every time." I do, I hate people paying when we go out simply because I know I can cover it better than most. I only give in to a couple people and only when they justify it for one reason or another.
Now, where was I in my tale of fucked upness? I haven't a clue what I said in the note that put her off. I think she'll come back and say she had a "busy week," but I'm not going for that. If she says that then she's lost me, I want the truth. Attention "whore" or friend? The truth is always nice but how can you tell if someone is lying? Each person has their own "show face," that gives them up or gesture or flinch. Finding out what it is on some is easy but others are hard. I'll know... someday.
My nerves are rattled over this because now I'll be more on guard what I write to people let alone who I write. Better to stick to here. Someday I might find someone who enjoys the blabbering nonsense that is my writing.
"Fifty Shades of Fucked Up," this is also me. As I read more and more and as slow as Fifty Shades of Grey is I like it's simplicity and have come to the conclusion that... I'm much more kinkier than the book and just as "Fucked Up." The book inspires me to write somewhat but then others expectations keep me from trying. What if I don't write better? What if mine is just as "Sophomoric?" I don't write using toys or at least I don't recall ever having written such a story. I could because thinking about the experiences alone makes me throb. "My inner Goddess" freaks out at the thought and wants it again. Can you be submissive?
As written above is the whole reason I should have been writing here, plus I may have indulged a bit more on things. The above should be written to a girlfriend or lover or just someone who's "comfortable" with reading it. Secure. When I write, some things aren't as they always seem. Rhetorical writing. Not that everything's rhetorical but bits and pieces could be.
I'm trying to be the better person and mend some bridges with a couple people that don't deserve it but I won't do Any favors for anymore. Friends like these I don't need others to screw me over, they do it themselves. At times lately I've felt alone, like I've no one really to call up and say "let's go..." or even "wanna come over?" I get the couples in their own world and I guess that means I need more single friends. My problem is getting to know people, then trusting them and hope they're there for the right reasons... and not because "Nikki pays every time." I do, I hate people paying when we go out simply because I know I can cover it better than most. I only give in to a couple people and only when they justify it for one reason or another.
Now, where was I in my tale of fucked upness? I haven't a clue what I said in the note that put her off. I think she'll come back and say she had a "busy week," but I'm not going for that. If she says that then she's lost me, I want the truth. Attention "whore" or friend? The truth is always nice but how can you tell if someone is lying? Each person has their own "show face," that gives them up or gesture or flinch. Finding out what it is on some is easy but others are hard. I'll know... someday.
My nerves are rattled over this because now I'll be more on guard what I write to people let alone who I write. Better to stick to here. Someday I might find someone who enjoys the blabbering nonsense that is my writing.
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