Something written better than nothing?

I suppose I should just take the summer off and not even take a class, it keep’s me preoccupied. As much as I’d love to simply write a book I feel I’m at no point in my life to be giving advice. I can’t even get along without letting piddly chatroom bs get to me even when I do nothing but listen? Somehow someday I guess you get drug into some kind of drama,, it’s whether you choose to play a role in it. Of course I can’t say anything bad about anyone because when you have one side or point you don’t have much to base it on in fairness. It’s what I always say about what I say about C but also there’s nothing here that’s a secret to her or duh, I’d be making it private. Sometimes I don’t think people think things through enough if they indeed are trying to hide or be secretive. Screennames, look at the bottom where it says "member since" and see if it matches your stalker if you have one or these journals, they’re public until made private. C has me with her attitude, ask me cuz I’ll tell, I won’t lie or say something behind your back that I won’t to your face. What do I have to hide really? I only want to help people and that’s why I want to go too school, I’ve loved these classes. Me and C are getting along a lot better, maybe because I’ve been up more and maybe because we’ve actually been nice and acting like a couple. Funny, there was this $59 diamond ring and she’s always said "just give me the diamond," but that wasn’t big enough, she forgot to add "at least 1 kt!" pickyass, she wouldn’t wear it because when we fight I always want it off her... so maybe that flip necklace would be good for us- one side says taken the other available. Ha! I’ve been trying to keep myself busy which isn’t hard when you’re not much alone till 4:30, then do everything like bank acct’s, mail, the must do things then by that time I’m tired and not choosingly, pass out cold asleep. I hate that but if I don’t do it, I won’t fall asleep till 3am, even with my pills. But, we went and seen Bill Maher on Saturday then met up with a couple friends which was fun. Now we’ve only to wait for Melissa Etheridge, The Fray, Dave Matthews in Oregon at the Gorge, in Boston w/ Sheryl Crow, and here two days in a row, Ben Harper, Amos Lee, and Nine Inch Nails, are all we have tix for now... oh, and my favorite, Ani! Then Pearl Jam goes on sale soon too! Busy summer so far. Bill Maher was damn hilarious but repeated his show a lot and damn, he’d have my vote for Pres! My family, mom and sister’s and aunt’s and their daughters all had a good weekend in Missouri, I just hope next time they think about me... otherwise what kind of family are they? Guess I’m not considered a daughter, just the one who can’t come because I’m in a chair. Sorry, hurts still and I hurt myself more by being nice to them. I suck, I just let people kick me around as to not deal with the bs... except C because I think I AM that secure with her as much as I think I’m not. Whatever she says or I say while venting, that’s my sexy woman! Pill time......... till the next issue of the days of a boring life...   

Big enough now G? ha!

Bigger by request but it's blah blah blah

I feel a little messed up though nobody can solve the BS but me. I feel I’ve no time to do anything and when I can it’s that time of day when I pass the fuck out because I honestly can’t fall asleep most nights till 2 at least. I feel at time’s I can’t be alone, yet need to be but C can go in her room and close the door at will. I don’t know what the heck happened last night because I felt like I was the one so out of the loop and so me, I just leave, where I guess by talking to someone (gorgeous lol) I should’ve stayed in there and not let anything get to me. If it weren’t for a chosen few who crave attention and drama, younger ones, than it’d be a great release as I’ve met many I can simply talk and relate to because me, I don’t relate to most my age… my temper and throwing shit will forever be there! I just say, they shouldn’t show that childish behavior on tv either, ha. Then I flew my older sis in from San Jose to go with my mom and sis and her sisters and their daughters to Branson, Missouri. Next time, maybe just maybe my mom’ll think of me but I doubt it. It was fine here but I think my sister that’s Coleen’s age and her would make a far better couple plus she knows my sister better… why does this anger me? Because colleen’s not my girlfriend therefore my family should just be that. Many times I’ve gone without picking up my sister’s call because why, I already know from coleen or don’t care to be an “ok tell nik” or “oops slipped out.” been a problem for a while and this time I actually just said something and ignored the two for a bit… not that they noticed at all, like my mom said. I want to build an armor wall around my heart and leave it. I no longer believe there is that perfect someone but rather someone’S because hey, nothing lasts forever…. Though the dinosaurs might return! Ha! I am ever so happy about my tan, I can no longer call coleen black or she can call my neopolitan. At least I can say I feel like I look good and cute but need a damn haircut bad! Skaterdoo! And gotta get fresh lemon juice for my hair… blonde! Other good news… my teacher has now said because most all are getting A’s in class (all 6/7 of us) said if all our work is completed by end of unit 10- next weeks, we’ll only have her survey to fill out for our final. I really like how this teacher goes about things, I feel I get more out of it because I find I pay closer attention to detail and enjoy the set up. Ah, and my brit bytch just isn’t working like it should, I’m hoping because of the interference. Anyone want to come hook up a dvd player? A cd player too? Ha. My new ones are still out there and thankfully mom said she’ll hook them up when she gets back. More accessible! 400 disc dvd holder, enough? I could use 3 of the 300 cd player! Music and movies, a collection. And now I’m off….. Toke up!

April's Namaste'

Emotional Freedom

"At the heart of the human experience is the quest for love. The driving force of human evolution is the need for more fulfilling, more nourishing and more expansive relationships. In every stage of life we seek deeper connections between those with whom we surround ourselves and our own Spirit." – Deepak Chopra

Each of us is on a heroic quest, seeking to find that aspect of ourselves that expresses our highest value. As a Namaste subscriber, on some level you think of yourself as a spiritual seeker, striving to expand your capacity for inner peace, harmony, laughter, love, and compassion. For many people on a spiritual path, it is their accumulated emotional toxicity that inhibits their ability to be fully present in the moment. Learning to manage this emotional turbulence and create loving nourishing relationships is essential to our physical, psychological and spiritual well being.

What does it mean to be emotionally free? There is a Sanskrit expression, Tat Tvam Asi (taht t'vahm AH-see) which translated means "I see the other in myself and myself in others." Understanding how human relationships work is one of the most magnificent aspects in life. In this process, we will often discover that the most nourishing and foundational relationship we can possibly have is the one we have with ourselves.

This weekend, the Chopra Center hosted Healing the Heart – our workshop on emotional freedom. We thank our 30 guests who shared their hearts, released their pain, and strengthened their self-esteem. To honor that cathartic process, this Namaste celebrates emotional freedom as both Deepak's and David's letters share deep insights into attaining this freedom in each day. Starting each day with meditation is one of the keys to tapping into the stillness and silence that leads to a life of SynchroDestiny.  ~Deepak Chopra

I thought this was just something ALL should read, it's enlightening if anything.

Harsh Heart but Clarity

Me and Coleen had a talk tonight and throughout the day, talk/argue really. After all was said and done I really felt like a fool for even thinking, wanting, or hoping for things to be back to when we were first together… she told me she had never said she was my girlfriend and this is after two years living together. If not my girlfriend sex is a fuck, sorry, but it is what it is. It just made me think about every journal entry written on how I wanted things different, what should I do, how I wanted more between us… and all that time I was saying that you’d think she’d tell me “there’s no hope, don’t want anything anymore,” instead of letting me make a damn fool of myself about my feelings. No, I can’t be a friend because I don’t have the feelings a friend has, there’s more.. Makes sense right? Nobody can disagree there, too hard being friends when one feels more. It was never that I knew she wasn’t a good one, I think I said that, it wasn’t anything except maybe openness and nursing. I share too much and want to know more about my gf’s life than she’s ever shared. Even in CT she was kinda closed off, I thought I had trouble talking. A lot got said and I can understand, I just need to fix myself now, but where to start? It’s hard because I actually never looked into the future these past couple years and seen it without Coleen. I vent a lot, that’s what this is for… how I FEEL, and sometimes you do wish to go back and delete something or redo something but within redoing it it would change everything? I was totally wrong in saying what I did about Dani, I only said it for C, she’s the best lover I’ve had actually except with one thing we disagree on… if that’s the reason it says a lot that sex is more important. I appreciate the support so much because I feel the pit of my stomach doing butterflies at the harsh reality, yet clarity, that coleen doesn’t love me anymore… guess she can move on where I wish I could.

Words cut like a knife

How hurtful can one be? If the one you were sleeping with asks if you’ve ever smelled somebody and had their taste linger in your mouth then say that happened to them just the other day and IT WASN’T YOU! I know I don’t give C enough sex, hell I’d do it everyday with her sexy body, but things said keep moments from happening… then this. Tonight. It told me she doesn’t think about me anymore and damn, why do I want someone who’s tasting other women in their mouth even if it is a memory. I’m not good enough. I’ve always had this complex about being able to please someone and she kinda confirmed it by telling me she’s faked it the past few times and I do nothing for her. Well, I can say the only person that’s made me have an orgasm lives in California and be damned if we didn’t get in some freaky positions… in the van straddling the seat and me, tilted back in the chair, ok I best stop. Me and C have been in kinkier positions though and if you ever read the journal I deleted, FUCK, you’d know the sex was fucking awesome when all was good. Yeah, I deleted 2 years of my life, journaling as well as writing. People can’t come to me and C came in in tears and told me Ash called her cuz someone told her blah blah blah… in the end I deleted the whole damn thing because I felt so fucking guilty… but it’s MY journal. With all said and done even though I vent I also defend C down to everything because why? I made her this way… is that possible or is it that it’s there but only brought to the surface?? I’m thinking the latter because you control your feelings and nobody can piss you off or hurt you without you letting them. God gave us one thing, free will.

A Start

I deleted about two years of my life because of people talking and Col coming home in tear’s and well, out of anger poof it’s all gone. Anyone should know within reading that I’ve defended C for her actions because I know how she really is underneath.. At least I think. Trust me, anyone would be lucky to have her... she no longer wants me. I wish people could come to the source and ask about things because an outsider doesn’t really understand. Love is good, love is bad, love is love unconditionally. Nothing said here would surprise C... except my saying I still want to work things out because of all that was before things got fucked up. I always always said having a lover/roommate do care isn’t good, unless it’s for traveling/vacation or going out. Something has to be set in stone, not like it is here because we never thought she’d be doing all my care except where the agency can fill in at night but only 2 know the routine! I need to call the gayboy tomorrow, I think that’d be a great option! I’ll figure it out! Oh damn, and I need some greenage or chocolate!