bed

daylight comes and i hide my eyes, last nights secrets our own demise

the sun leaks in beckoning me outside, as much as i want to go out i lay in bed to hide

my eyes sandy and cloudy, not ready for the day

my body paralyzed, feeling the day fade away

i rouse myself, reach inside for brute strength

roll on over, because that's where my body wishes me stay

betrayed by myself, my cravings of selfish ponder

feelings of guilt inside, there's no reason left to wonder

this bed my jailhouse, this bed my comfort

this bed comes calling to me, this bed of hurt

gone..

there was really nothing to lose

you weren't near enough to get lost

my heart tells me a different story

aching at the loss

no time to say farewell

no long winded good bye

all that i am left with

these dried tears in my eyes

you gave me no hint

left without a warning

into the night i lost it

the love i never saw coming

nothing to tell me where to look

nowhere could you be found

hidden in all the right places

my heart never whispered a sound

look at all these places you and i used to go

listen to all the music each a different show

but now you're gone lady never thought i had to let go

but now you've disappeared baby lost knowing what could be in store...

Last smoke: Caregivers

It's that time. I look up at the clock and realize it's already past midnight... pumpkin time. For many it's not late, but if I stay up and keep my computer I can't lay back. I didn't eat tonight and I fear I really do need a new caregiver at night who can cook. I feel like calling the VA and reducing my hours to prove a point but then getting the time back might be a bitch. It's a no win situation. Fast food vs home cooking vs weight. I know what's causing weight gain... for about a yr now the only time I've ate cooked meals is when I had a fill in or had a bbq. Sad really and must stop. A new plan must be put in place... but someone's going to be upset over the loss of hours.

Dealing with other cultures has been interesting. Ups and downs to it. Call off's and attitude is what I deal with some days. One aide is from Ethiopia and is a Decan at the Baptist church. Great. The other is from Lebanon and is just a young boy still. I consider anything around 25 and below young! Damn I feel old. I remember when...

I shall continue this tomorrow..... I'm hungry and Doritos are calling my name. It's something in my tummy anyway.... maybe I need start buying cereal for the young bouy to make. Think he can make that?

Last call: Boundaries, Crushes, and Bears oh my...:

Setting boundaries has never been an easy task for me. One, because some people get pissed off about things and I hate upsetting people so I give in. When I feel like saying "I want this part of my life not to be with you," I can't. How do you tread lightly and still be blunt?

Yes, as a friend they shouldn't be mad or upset but when I get in trouble after, "why didn't you invite me?" I'm caught at a loss for words that need to be said but can't find their way out.

More and more this crush grows intriguing to me. However straight she might be her beauty lifts me up to this level of a higher state of being. I feel better getting to know more of her, but then can't know or write enough in one note.

This is a crush I thought and still think is considered a "safe" crush because it will go no where and I expect nothing more. There are other crushes like those you just want to make out with. Crushes that actually grow into more. And crushes that are simply that, thinking someones cute and they make you all giddy.

Today was nice after 1pm. I was finally alone All day until 7:30. I actually laid back and took a nap. What I thought was going to be just relaxing turned into a long much needed nap. My mind kept drifting from me, thinking of this and that. /Only really one constant all day thought and I keep it secret, holding it for only myself to know and continue being all that I am and all that I can be.

I feel like I'm at a pause in my life. Waiting on the VA to get my license. Waiting for school so I can actually drive myself... or on good days it takes like 15 minutes to get to the college by chair. I feel I want to do more. I want to start painting, not that my artwork would ever be worth anything to anyone except me, my family, and some friends. Still, to try is the key. Like trying the slide guitar. I really need a good slide and then some lessons, basic lessons, because from the basics I'll have to come up with my own way of playing.

While on pause I'm going out and meeting some amazing people. Amazing in a way I can't explain that my other "friends" have never shown me. It's actually being a friend and not just someone I know on facebook. Sadly, that's how a lot have become. The glue is gone.

Life is a story yet to be told and I plan on adding a few more chapters to mine. What comes next??

Last smoke: Anticipation.

My eyes are open. My lips quiver. My mouth moistens. My body anticipates. My mind tells me no. My heart tells me go. My hands beckon you over. My arms wrap around you. My temperature rises. My pulse races. My eyes close and I am Here.

I close my eyes and see your smile, remember your touch, feel your softness, imagine your lips on mine and my heart open and ready to take you in. I anticipate my days and nights with you. I choose you. I'll take a chance... once again.

Last smoke: Aware!

I see a lot of what others don't simply because of my lifestyle. My near death experiences, 5 times, have made me more aware of my surroundings. What we find by some lonesome butterfly, God's watching?! I reflect on the things I see and not always do I follow through with my thoughts but the good intention was there. Some people need to wake up and look at what surrounds them and they might find out more about themselves and trust in what's around them.

Last smoke: Awake

I'm hearing and reading about all this wisdom people write... only to get to know the person and wonder how they came up with "that" the way they are. The point in life we see ourselves at is different than how others perceive us. When we talk of taking things for granted, talk of love, talk of friends, talk a bunch of b.s. when you find out. The oxymoronic version of people and who they want themselves to be perceived like.

Some people I'd like to shake awake and tell them "look at all you have," and they'll actually see it. I'd love to trade places with some people for various reasons... my aides can feel my side out, my friends can find out how inhibiting this can be at times. I feel awful when my care or anything gets in the way of my "friend" time. Friends is the definition I'm searching for. I never knew I had 433 friends out there! So many levels to be on. I just want one that's awake on my level.

Hunger

I try to find the hunger but still go into starvation

I look around with no where to feast

I look around and see you hidden

The host to my devouration

I see you and my mouth waters

You touch me and I feel my body tremble

I anticipate your move and move closer

One kiss and I want to engulf you

I take you in like a 100 proof vodka

You burn going down and make me feel all dizzy

I drink you down and pour another dose

One last shot into being intoxicated by you

I feel you fulfill me in ways I didn't know

My hunger decreased by our body flow

I'm craving more only to take my time to taste

You're full of flavor and life, it feeds me.

Do you believe that what you put out into the Universe you'll get returned?

Do you believe that what you put out into the Universe you'll get returned?

Answer here

What's your worst guilty pleasure?

Smoking!!

Ask me anything

What's the craziest thing you've done in the past year?

stayed out in the rain with my power chair because i didn't want to miss a concert!

Ask me anything

Would you ever be a stripper?

Yupp I would... stripper doesn't mean you're out there having sex for money.

Ask me anything

What are your thoughts on sexting? Yay or nay?

hell to the yeah... but just realize what you're doing and trust who you're sexting!

Ask me anything

What's one thing you're really passionate about?

writing, any shape or form ass long as i get a little relief!

Ask me anything

What is your biggest personality flaw and/or vice? How does it get expressed in your life?

smoking!! being shy in some ways too. smokers are more friendly i find so being shy isn't an issue there.

Ask me anything

Name something you've done or something about you that no one would ever suspect.

i can draw!! i can play the slide! my handicap doesn't hold me back.

Ask me anything

If you could, would you ever have plastic surgery to change the way you look?

just under the triceps where i can't work the muscles... that count?

Ask me anything

Is it crazy to talk to yourself when you're alone?

i don't talk to myself... i'm glad i have my dog!

Ask me anything

If you were going to get a tattoo, what tattoo would you get?

I've 4 and planning on more!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/poetick31

Crushing vs Attracted to

She walked in and immediately caught my eye. This beautiful smile that steals your attention and draws you to take notice. i took notice. i looked and kept looking throughout the night. there's no way she could be a lesbian, and I didn't bother asking. She was very nice to talk to and very nice to look at.Her dress showed almost her whole back... no tan lines. One can only assume... well, let's let the mind wander. Her skin looked so soft and smooth I could only imagine it close to me. Skin on skin. Why straight girls? When I think about her lips, the curls of her hair, her smooth skin, i immediately want her. She has such unique features. Her face is almost pale but her body is nice and tan. I wanted to kiss her. One kiss and she'd be mine. I could show her in one kiss all the passion she's missed out on. How to get her alone? She had no tattoo's that I could visibly see... something to inquire about. Already, I want to know more. I'm both, crushing and attracted to her. Not the same thing...

Crushing for me means there's where it ends. If I say I'm attracted to her, someone, it says I want to more and maybe go further. Some I'll start a crush and gradually that crush disappears. Others the crush could grow into more but there's reasons why I'm only crushing and not pursuing. Some I'm immediately attracted to for various reasons. Independent. Confident. Stable. Has their own place and car. And baggage... everyone comes with baggage it's all about how they carry it.

My mind is racing and I can't stop it. I keep thinking about Her, about the party on Sunday, about friends, so called friends, distant friends, and frenemy's/ Right now, I drift from her to someone else. Am I the friend when it's convenient and going to get dropped whenever something else comes up? It's becoming that way. I don't want to shut anyone out but maybe stepping back is a good idea... and maybe that's what she did. Other plans come up and I'm immediately dropped... so am I there just because no one else is? Yes, I need more friends willing to go out with me. I find my friends will be going out and not once invite me. Are these people friends or acquaintances? More and more I categorize by friends, facebook friends, or just know them from someone. There's only a handful I might call friends, real friends... and at that nothing is set it stone. At least I get a half truth from one person vs nothing from others. My mind boggles me on this subject... and not before bed.

Think about her lips again. wrapping my hands around her and feeling her bare back. soft lips, soft skin, and I just know... if only....

Last smoke...

Last cigarette then I'm gone,

where I go I choose not to say,

Let me go free where I can play,

to roam, to fly, to go where I've to go,

To see all I've yet to see,

to grow into everything after all I may know.

I go into the unknown,

darkness awaits my beam of light,

I try avoiding my fear to take flight,

running away without putting up a fight,

Letting go, because I know it's right.

Quiet with a shot of Fireworks

So often I enjoy my alone time because I hardly get any during the week. This weekend, admittedly, feels different. Somehow, it being a three day weekend, the 4th, I feel alone. I feel myself lacking in the "friend" category... the real friends vs the friends. I'm finding more and more the word friend has it's own sub category's. Those who know of you and say hi and call you a friend, those who come around every so often but it takes no time to catch up and feels comfortable, there are those that those that would be there but they can't, there are some that are there when convienient, some when they want or need something, and I'm finding how rare it is you find those true friends that you hang out with and talk to and are there on a daily basis. Goddess how things change as we go through life... think back to High School when it was so easy making and trusting friends. Back when there was less... technology ruining our communication yet helping it. Helping it by texting "hey, can u meet me.." when you can't talk.

The remedy... the caregiver I wanted to get rid of is the only one concerned about me getting out of the house. Winter time I could are less but come Summer, I feel like a slacker when I don't go out. And honestly, who wants to go alone everywhere? Most places I don't care who I'm with but often I just like going alone. Nobody likes being sobercab for me. Then again nobody ever calls me up to say "we're going here tonight.." Friends vs "friends!"

To me the wheelchair isn't disabling but in their eyes... I'd like to know what they truly see because I don't think it's me. I don't think anyone knows the whole real me.... because of trust, because I'm overly cautious. When cards and surveys ask you what super power you wish you could have... mine might just be the power to read minds, however painful. The truth don't lie.

i love my tattoo but now i want even more. If Michelle, my mind boggling love, would ever send that tattoo of her saying, "Olive Juice xo." She still drives me crazy and can get on my every emotion.... whether that''s good I'm not sure. I love her. I might see glimpse's of hopeful daters but then some kind of warning bells are set off or it turns out we're better friends.... but it's ok to have ,my crushes I know nothing will happen with down the road. A friend with benefits would be nice right now. How quickly one person was to point out where they're coming from so I'm clear nothing's going on further. Ouch.

Someday. For now, one day at a time... fix this problem I'm having. Cheers and goodnight.

Angelic Voice sing to me....

What I can't say or do fall's on me like a brick and they keep piling up. What stops me? Fear? Fear of what.... thinking the other person might go "WTF?"

I need direction to show me the way... Amanda Capper... loving, angelic, alluring voice... My Janis all the way on top of that. Her cd is under her group Remember May! Rock on!

I guess we know who is on my mind. I write and write and write too much, say perhaps what I shouldn't too early... but if it's ME than why not share? Some things should just be for later. I shared my writing... something I should've waited on. Too soon, too scary. I don't know how to do this or anything anymore. I feel like a failure... getting turned down left and right, or not turned down but I think "I'm busy that day..." two times in a row sends a sign. Third time's a charm? Jodie Foster can't be single for too long.

I always get put in the "friend" category with no intentions of dating or anything. I'm used to it but it doesn't stop me from wanting! Why is the wheelchair such a big deal? I'm not asking anyone to change their life for me, I like someone more independent. Ahhh...

And that was it. The wheelchair/friend thing is just jerking my mind around. I think writing is one great way of releasing... my form of meditation... especially when it's just silent.

Things have to get better. I've morphine but still, pain is also spasms... which I'm getting a lot of. My uti just went away, I hope. My left side is still swollen up but nobody can answer that. I've tried telling them to look at my kidney, see if it's worse. I just want to be like everyone else, able to move without your body saying "nope, let's do this!"

It's bad when you have to go to a civilian hospital vs the VA ER because they won't take you in. I think DG did every test and more that the VA has done and nothing. Botox is coming next month and July comes the cortisone shot, pain relief! The botox loosens up the muscles in the leg... than 3 months later you need to do it again.

My health right now... borderline poor. My mind right now... borderline lost and drifting. My heart right now... you see a song emerging if you read close enough... or read between the lines.

Tis midnight and I'll now turn into a pumpkin... or a cherry, I like Cherries better than pumpkins. And as I drift off into some fairy tale where everything is perfect and nothing is left to wander.

Wander through your dreams!

I'm trying to figure out just how much of a shut-in I am. On average, how many nights a week would you say you go out and do something?

Sometimes none, other times 3 or 4 times... it's costly for me.

Ask me anything

What was your prom like, if you went or had one?

I went with a guy, wore a nice VS velvet dress... with boxers underneath. The group I went with, well my "bf" cheated on me 3 times the weekend before, not like me or my gf cared :) We went to dinner, the 3 girls in our group of 10 with their dates, went to Prom... then went home with my girlfriend. It was still fun.

Ask me anything

Silence for a moment...

Rest assured I'm not meditating... however, writing IS my form of meditation, concentration, and release.

I try the silence for a moment, hear my dog licking away for a minute, then, now, she stops... just me, this open page, and a smoke.

Beauty is what I wish to create in my backyard. A place, where once again, I'll get lost. I love sitting there looking at the colorful plants and listening to the sound of running water. I don't become a hermit, people are free to come by, but I get stuck and tearing me away is senseless. Just join me. I love having someone next to me where the silence isn't awkward and simply "being" is the right place there and then.

My mind travels off to the same person every time. Some one who can sit, write, talk, do their thing beside me and not necessarily with me... yet, we are together. I know she'd be content, I know she'd enjoy the time passing by if even in silence. My tongue does not carry like my words. I shy away because I am not willing to go through the heartache of telling myself "no." She makes me smile, brightens my day with the simple written words, "I love you." It's not about what it means or if anythings behind it, it just is... love. My mind travels back to her and I wonder, in this second, if she can hear me and is thinking the same too, "Where is she?" After asking for ones number once or twice it's a hint you don't get it back.

Still, I am. I'm content in my own ways, content with a dream, content with just being... me.

Though I still have my worries, still have pain, I'm trying. I'd think a nice lawyer should be called for my Dr and the ER but I worry about my benefits and my pension. I think about all that is a mess and dig deeper in.

Cheers!

Follow-up to my last question: Can you still be friends with someone that is interested in you but not vice-versa? (I'm throwing the tough ones at you guys.)

Deffinately... they can be your best defender however hard.

Ask me anything

Who's the best teacher you ever had? What made them your favorite?

Science teacher... because she was gay and helped me get through school dealing with it.

Ask me anything

Hooking up with friends - advisable or not?

Only if you both understand it's a "hook up."

Ask me anything

If you had/have the money would you, or did you, give to Japan?

If you had/have the money would you, or did you, give to Japan?

Answer here

Doing research. What are you thoughts on beer? Love it or loathe it?

Love it, just not the strong stuff! No dark beer!!

Ask me anything

What is your favorite cartoon character?

What or Who? Pooh would be who...

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What are your thoughts in general on hook-ups?

I wish!

Ask me anything

Do you ever really fall completely out of love with someone?

I think we bring something with us out of every relationship. Saying that I think a part of that someone is always with us... what we do with that depends on how it might've ended?!

Ask me anything

Do you tend to be shy or an attention seeker?

shy...

Ask me anything

What's one language you wish you could speak? What languages do you already know?

What's one language you wish you could speak? What languages do you already know?

Answer here

It's near the end of the weekend... what song best describes your weekend?

It's near the end of the weekend... what song best describes your weekend?

Answer here

What country's cuisine is your favorite?

Italy!

Ask me anything

When having a one night stand would you prefer the other person stay until morning or leave when you're done?

When having a one night stand would you prefer the other person stay until morning or leave when you're done?

Answer here

At an amusement park are you usually the one to go last, not go at all, be the first to go, or watch and then go!?

At an amusement park are you usually the one to go last, not go at all, be the first to go, or watch and then go!?

Answer here

How do you feel about being out with someone, one on one, and they're constantly checking their cell phone?

How do you feel about being out with someone, one on one, and they're constantly checking their cell phone?

Answer here

What three qualities would your friends say you have?

What three qualities would your friends say you have?

Answer here

What do you usually order to drink at the bar?

What do you usually order to drink at the bar?

Answer here

What's the farthest you've ever traveled to see a concert?

Wrigley Field baby... from Denver just to see Dave Matthews!

Ask me anything

Can you be friends with someone you fundamentally disagree with on some issues? (gay rights, politics, abortion, religion, gender roles...)

yes, as long as they don't push their beliefs on me. my aide's from lebanon where he's totally against "my life" if i were over there but here he's very tolerant of being "gay" and "sex before marriage" even flirting.

Ask me anything

What gives you comfort?

My dog and a cigarette along with pen/paper/computer- anything for writing!

Ask me anything

Asking someone out/flirting with them at their place of work (not yours): total no-no or acceptable on occasion? If it is acceptable to you, how would you go about doing it tactfully?

totally acceptable, just don't over due it. little affection is fine it helps build fire for later.

Ask me anything

What's the first thing that you usually notice about someone you meet?

their lips, then the way they hold themselves/take care of themselves.... reflects how they feel about them which in turn will effect me.

Ask me anything