i'm here so i don't write elsewhere. i'm here so my time's not wasted and i make more of an annoyance to the one i'm trying to attract. my time now has been hers. i want to breathe her in and exhale this feeling in my gut of all the years wasted. i can see you, i don't want to be your second best, i don't want to be someone in the crowd, i don't want to be alone, but if i have to be free i'd rather be me.
i haven't offered anything or given any hint. i've tried just the opposite and not let on a thing. the reason i have, the fear i have, the doubt i have, keep me from you. i haven't looked deep enough to see who you really are, some kind of superstar. i love the you that i do know now and continue to know.
yes, i walked away from you, left without a word. i thought you had disappeared until i seen the love you walked away from but are still so close to. maybe you didn't notice, maybe you didn't care, maybe you thought i'd catch you just a little nit later... i didn't... and now i'm here so i won't "go there."
as i watched you i thought to myself how much i wanted to hold you. when you got closer i thought about how much i wanted to kiss you. as i climbed into my new sheets i could only think how badly i wanted you here. the softness on ,my skin makes me crave you. dreaming up tainted thoughts of what you might taste like. i want to pull you in and make you want more. i want you to give into me and let me release you. i want to reach inside you and feel you on my fingertips clamping down as they slip in and out of your desire. that pulsating feeling you feel right now is what i want to suck out of you. i want to hear my name screamed by you as you reach your height of climax... and at that i can't stop because hearing you only makes my hunger grow stronger.
and so, now you know my thoughts... now you understand my distance.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Not a Fool
Instead of me making a fool out of myself writing this or that to her or her and ramble on only to realize it never should have been sent. I'll make a fool of myself right here, where no one usually see's. At least with snailmail I could call Mickey and say, "There's a letter coming, don't open it." In the end it was always cleared for her to open. Then email... almost always irreversible. AOL used to have an unsend button but only to other members... found that out the hard way. Unsend, unsend, unsend, Oh shit!
I was surprised this week by the actions of those who say they're my friends. A few I know are not friends and I don't know why I keep them on FB if only not to start a bunch of gossip on why we're not friends. Buh-bye to you in my heart though. Another talked crap about another friend only to not talk to me after going out... and she said the other friend was low on the totem pole. I'd say... friends? Please, do point them out because I can't say I got one text today or yesterday from anyone. You can't tell me every thing's done through fucking FB now. Friends shouldn't rely on FB to say hi, hello, I'm thinking about you, How are you? Takes away from the personability of the friendship in the first place.
I'm a fool who needs to correct herself and most don't know how quickly I can. I just won't write anymore or text... after 4 days of nothing that's a subtle hint to me to leave someone alone. I can only do so much on my end without anything reciprocated because I've learned there's always a reason why. I'm not a fool when I know your cell is glued to you or you at least check it from one activity to the next... so it's outright ignoring me. Sometimes I wish people could get the nerve to say "Leave me alone."
Subtlety has never been me when it comes to coming out about my feelings but somebody really has to do a lot to catch me... and now I'm trying not to play the fool. I'm trying not to write or text but I did today, I broke down and sent a text to make sure I wouldn't get blamed for not following through. Though let down I expected just as much but I did not expect silence.
Letter to a Jane:
Now, for better days, I won't play the fool, I won't play at all, I can't continue down this painful fall. The silence you created between us only sets us further apart. I try getting close as your friend though I feel there may be more I don't know but I let go more and more knowing you can read me and not answer. If you've read me right you'd know friendship was all I was offering to you, all I could offer, and I thought I made it clear, overly clear. I embellish. I see what's not there. I take control even after my hearts lost it... because I don't want to be a fool.
I was surprised this week by the actions of those who say they're my friends. A few I know are not friends and I don't know why I keep them on FB if only not to start a bunch of gossip on why we're not friends. Buh-bye to you in my heart though. Another talked crap about another friend only to not talk to me after going out... and she said the other friend was low on the totem pole. I'd say... friends? Please, do point them out because I can't say I got one text today or yesterday from anyone. You can't tell me every thing's done through fucking FB now. Friends shouldn't rely on FB to say hi, hello, I'm thinking about you, How are you? Takes away from the personability of the friendship in the first place.
I'm a fool who needs to correct herself and most don't know how quickly I can. I just won't write anymore or text... after 4 days of nothing that's a subtle hint to me to leave someone alone. I can only do so much on my end without anything reciprocated because I've learned there's always a reason why. I'm not a fool when I know your cell is glued to you or you at least check it from one activity to the next... so it's outright ignoring me. Sometimes I wish people could get the nerve to say "Leave me alone."
Subtlety has never been me when it comes to coming out about my feelings but somebody really has to do a lot to catch me... and now I'm trying not to play the fool. I'm trying not to write or text but I did today, I broke down and sent a text to make sure I wouldn't get blamed for not following through. Though let down I expected just as much but I did not expect silence.
Letter to a Jane:
Now, for better days, I won't play the fool, I won't play at all, I can't continue down this painful fall. The silence you created between us only sets us further apart. I try getting close as your friend though I feel there may be more I don't know but I let go more and more knowing you can read me and not answer. If you've read me right you'd know friendship was all I was offering to you, all I could offer, and I thought I made it clear, overly clear. I embellish. I see what's not there. I take control even after my hearts lost it... because I don't want to be a fool.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Yesterdays
III. Yesterdays
Yesterday I saw you though I stayed hidden just watching you. Your beauty captivated my eyes, your laughter rang in my ears, your actions made my body ache with desire. I knew I couldn't say anything to you right away so I sat and then I watched as you watched me.
Yesterday I broke down admitting I'm caught by you. Revealing myself to the one I thought I had it all with. I'm caught or so I thought but then again maybe I'm not. Opening the doors to something new my heart admits the fallen truth.
Yesterday through watching you I felt my love slipping away. I felt like Yesterday was a day of reckoning a day of admitting one truth in search of another. Yesterday I let go what was for a chance at what could be.
Yesterday wasn't meant to be filled with so many emotions or conflicted meanings. Yesterday was supposed to be easy if I had only stay hidden watching you. You break my doors down and open me up so yesterday can turn into Tomorrow.
Yesterday I saw you though I stayed hidden just watching you. Your beauty captivated my eyes, your laughter rang in my ears, your actions made my body ache with desire. I knew I couldn't say anything to you right away so I sat and then I watched as you watched me.
Yesterday I broke down admitting I'm caught by you. Revealing myself to the one I thought I had it all with. I'm caught or so I thought but then again maybe I'm not. Opening the doors to something new my heart admits the fallen truth.
Yesterday through watching you I felt my love slipping away. I felt like Yesterday was a day of reckoning a day of admitting one truth in search of another. Yesterday I let go what was for a chance at what could be.
Yesterday wasn't meant to be filled with so many emotions or conflicted meanings. Yesterday was supposed to be easy if I had only stay hidden watching you. You break my doors down and open me up so yesterday can turn into Tomorrow.
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