What can I say, I need to vent a little, so read on but be forewarned I just need to let loose and I think so many understand what I mean when I say “set myself free,” it’s just a matter of writing it and unleashing it out your head… helps a little anyway.
So with two days off I took C to a movie in hopes something might get done today… granted the movies and whatnot only took 4 or 5 hours out of the day, ordered dinner, like every night. The movie, See No Evil, was ok but nothing spectacular after seeing Saw II. But it’s so hard going out when I look around at all I’ve been waiting to have done for finishing my voice programming system. But I wrote my mom and I believe her and her boyfriend’ll come here and hook everything up tomorrow, hard scheduling something when stuff isn’t put together. How long has it been I said something about my plants being repotted and how many days have I spent in bed for something to get done? Too many. I get self destructive because I’m hearing “I don’t care” so much it does effect my self thinking. Some days I’ll ignore it and say fuck it, and take care of myself… by this I mean do my stretches and wash up completely not just lotion up or wash whatever I can wash MYSELF- not much.
My self destructiveness has only become worse as my frustration over no help in here worsens. I feel like I don’t have control in my house, I ask simply for a gate to my bathroom to keep cats out and it goes up by my bedroom door closing my dog in or out… umm, should it not be the other way around if anything? All I ask is it by my bathroom because the cat likes to go in there and I don’t trust he isn’t pissin in there as we caught him before. Too much? My frustration works my mouth regrettably but almost always I’ve apologized for what was said… I don’t get an apology, I’m stuck believing what she said is true, which it must be because I’ve not heard otherwise. I don’t do a thing for C anymore, she’s faked it the past few times- which have been well over a month ago because I’ve turned her down, why do it if ya gotta’ fake it. Sad thing is sometimes you do have to to just be done! Heck, I’ve tried, I show affection and get swatted away because it’s tickling her, good excuse I say, so I’m done now, I won’t get swatted away when I’m trying to touch someone. You can’t tell me her other gf’s didn’t rubb her hand or arm or play with her hair. Love is not grand and patience does not pay off, I’ve learned that much.
Well, I’m off to watch Golden Girls or some movie… I feel a bit better.
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