I'm loving the New I'm With Her CD, it is simply Heavenly. It helps the two singers are just loving and caring and cute as heck too. Winner! Tomorrow nights cd release should be fun. I'm trying to drag my sister with but I bet by the night she'll be a lame ball. She needs to go out...
Of course it's hard going out when you don't feel good about yourself, I should know. I shit my pants today. 36 years old and I can't control even that. Independence shot I am diminished to someone else sticking their finger up my ass to get it done... and like today, it didn't get all done. I feel I disappointed my sister because I had to get back in bed and at 6:00 pm I just stayed there. People come from 9am-1pm during the week and 7am-11am weekends... plus they come back at 8pm every night to put me to bed unless I arrange differently... but that costs me $40 if I go later. My care depresses me right now. I was going to say "my life," but my life doesn't depress me and try my emotions, my care does. I don't have quality care right now and almost feel gross. I need a shower like nobody's business. I might feel, look, and smell, a whole lot betta'.
I'm hanging in there as trying as it is... when you get yelled at for getting frustrated but I can only deal with stupidity so much. One remote, one display, one switch, one joystick, and one button... she couldn't find the button! "The only button there above the joystick.." "I can't find it." This is why I can't quit smoking. One button, all there flipping is on their, one button, just above the joystick, only one joystick. I got flustered at that point.
I can breathe now but this CNA said she'd been doing this field for 16 yrs or more. She's dealt with chairs before. Ignorance vs stupidity. I just smoke and smoke too much. As much as I can handle I fake it but gradually decline and slip into being a hermit. I am strong or so I tell myself and keep on even if I don't feel it. All I can do without giving up. Keep on.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
All In
Life is interesting, you never expect what you're going to get. i never thought i'd be in a wheelchair forced to live by others rules... yet here i am almost 16 years later still here, still at the mercy of a caregiver everyday... and then one can hope the caregivers know what they're doing, that they speak english, and they don't have attitude. i try not to let my frustration get the best of me but when they're show something three times i just believe you should know it. goddess help me in the morning.
My emotional psyche is steadily getting torn. up at 1 in the afternoon and get put to bed at 8pm... not much of a life there as i see it. where is the quality of life there? i don't want to give up but me being at the mercy of the va has me following strict guidelines or i lose my benefits. if not for worrying about my care my life would be very satisfactory. right now, my decline is at stake.
It's been a few months now since i've talked to m. it hurts she completely shut me out but i'm guessing it was that she got a boyfriend... maybe even engaged. she's destined for someone great it just wasn't and won't be me. i think about her and know i love her still and always will no matter if she's in my life or needs me out. for her life to be healthy i guess i take the back burner as i always have. selfless love. i know distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder but it doesn't stop the heart from feeling either. i was warned and still i fell.
Sometimes all seems hopeless, like now, but i know it has to get better. i have friends worse off than me and still continue laughing. they say you're only given what you can handle but what if that handle breaks off? what if we can't handle it anymore? i've gone on longer than what i've thought i could or ever would. thanksgiving's coming up... should i be thankful? knowing how i've lived the past 16 years, the struggles i've had, the close calls, the dying, the aides not showing up, the worry that if it snows someone may not be here.... but there's also the lessons you teach people, the inspiration, or just the smile to a stranger that says "i'm ok." i'm still all in.
My emotional psyche is steadily getting torn. up at 1 in the afternoon and get put to bed at 8pm... not much of a life there as i see it. where is the quality of life there? i don't want to give up but me being at the mercy of the va has me following strict guidelines or i lose my benefits. if not for worrying about my care my life would be very satisfactory. right now, my decline is at stake.
It's been a few months now since i've talked to m. it hurts she completely shut me out but i'm guessing it was that she got a boyfriend... maybe even engaged. she's destined for someone great it just wasn't and won't be me. i think about her and know i love her still and always will no matter if she's in my life or needs me out. for her life to be healthy i guess i take the back burner as i always have. selfless love. i know distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder but it doesn't stop the heart from feeling either. i was warned and still i fell.
Sometimes all seems hopeless, like now, but i know it has to get better. i have friends worse off than me and still continue laughing. they say you're only given what you can handle but what if that handle breaks off? what if we can't handle it anymore? i've gone on longer than what i've thought i could or ever would. thanksgiving's coming up... should i be thankful? knowing how i've lived the past 16 years, the struggles i've had, the close calls, the dying, the aides not showing up, the worry that if it snows someone may not be here.... but there's also the lessons you teach people, the inspiration, or just the smile to a stranger that says "i'm ok." i'm still all in.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Unsent and Unread
_____,
many days have passed by with no word from you and yet my mind still drifts right to you. whether it is curiosity or love i do not know but i'm not afraid to admit my bafflement. every time i see you you put a smile across my face and my heart starts doing a dance. a dance of knowing the warmth between us is genuine and not to gain or win some popularity contest. you make my heart dance simply by being close enough to call you a friend because your positive light helps me to shine. by no means am i being selfish, i just feel a better me through you.
before i saw no possibilities beyond one person and now i see how closed off i was and how i had to let go. i let go. she let go completely after that and though it hurt i can't control her. for 15 years i loved one person unconditionally and thought my future laid in her hands. she was destined to be my lover... that never happened. we mutually loved each other but in the end i believe i was more in love and she was still lost in denial. i wonder upon seeing her if the flood gates would open but then there's now you in the equation. the equation that is in my head.
though you've recriprocated nothing you've helped me move on by letting me love you. however secretly my love is for you. or should i say however disguised my feelings are i'd like to figure out. i'm on no time table and i'm sure you'll have somebody before i ever figured out anything leaving me too late. i can't come out and say i have feelings because you'll run away but at the same time i know you, you can't stay single long.
(and if you think i'm referring to you i'm probably not.)
i always say "one last smoke," it's a reoccurring beginning for me here as well as my "last note of the night." however much i write and show my self to you i can't tell you anything is for sure. i can tell you i love you assuredly but to misintrepret what i don't know myself. i express things better in writing yet linger on words.
i am still here. i am still around. i'm just watching from the background. you're not alone nor have i gone anywhere. i like giving you your space but hate when you actually take it leaving me to wonder. all i care to wonder about right now is You.
Monday, September 24, 2012
for us...
for me is what i wonder, for you is all i got
for me could you light that fire, for you i let go
for me was that rattle, for you i sat and stared
for me you moved out the way, for you my heart does stay
for us let things go, for you don't love me anymore.
for me could you light that fire, for you i let go
for me was that rattle, for you i sat and stared
for me you moved out the way, for you my heart does stay
for us let things go, for you don't love me anymore.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Willingly
All I can think, was it only me? Did I see and feel something that had been hidden from us? Did I feel a spark? When I look at her and our eyes lock my heart starts to flutter and I can't help but look away. I can't let this feeling stay. The butterflies start flying and I start falling.
Her touch is magic and makes me tingle. My hands upon her as people sit and mingle, she captivates me, and my body gets her lingo. I sit so nonchalant as if nothing can break me but the throbbing already tells me I am broken.
She is secretive and in disguise, I am prey to her demise. Willingly.
Her touch is magic and makes me tingle. My hands upon her as people sit and mingle, she captivates me, and my body gets her lingo. I sit so nonchalant as if nothing can break me but the throbbing already tells me I am broken.
She is secretive and in disguise, I am prey to her demise. Willingly.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Finding the light
so i see this light, i remember that scary movie, "don't go near the light," then suddenly "run towards the light." as if carolanne wasn't confused enough simply being stuck... wherever. i thought i was confused by seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, i was confused, there was no light. not even a spark. if there was anything, it was worse than it was better. yes, i really do believe i've fucked up and repairing what's been broke... it's damage is complete.
i wanted for something better and i tried for it without really trying. is it pathetic for a 36 yr old to write a "letter" each night as if i was blogging? does it say something about me? i didn't write every night but almost every night i had my computer. i was too open. some openness should be saved for your "really good" friends. almost feels like high school with the cold shoulder and refusal to say anything for that matter. i feel like something, anything, can be said, should be, but it's not.
tonight i wanted to write something more enjoyable but my mind is too side tracked again. women will do that, even when they're not yours, or is it especially if they're not? i need some direction somewhere and even if it all came back, things just aren't the same because i'm the type that has to feel it to reveal it and i no longer feel it there, her there anymore.
no more fifty shades here. i'm adopting one color now, black. black to find me the light.
i wanted for something better and i tried for it without really trying. is it pathetic for a 36 yr old to write a "letter" each night as if i was blogging? does it say something about me? i didn't write every night but almost every night i had my computer. i was too open. some openness should be saved for your "really good" friends. almost feels like high school with the cold shoulder and refusal to say anything for that matter. i feel like something, anything, can be said, should be, but it's not.
tonight i wanted to write something more enjoyable but my mind is too side tracked again. women will do that, even when they're not yours, or is it especially if they're not? i need some direction somewhere and even if it all came back, things just aren't the same because i'm the type that has to feel it to reveal it and i no longer feel it there, her there anymore.
no more fifty shades here. i'm adopting one color now, black. black to find me the light.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Save it for here...
At long last I've done it, I knew I should have been blogging vs writing love letters or simply notes that just share "Me." Now, I have to face the facts that I went too far, shared too too much, and was too open with all I wrote. I fucked up... Again.
"Fifty Shades of Fucked Up," this is also me. As I read more and more and as slow as Fifty Shades of Grey is I like it's simplicity and have come to the conclusion that... I'm much more kinkier than the book and just as "Fucked Up." The book inspires me to write somewhat but then others expectations keep me from trying. What if I don't write better? What if mine is just as "Sophomoric?" I don't write using toys or at least I don't recall ever having written such a story. I could because thinking about the experiences alone makes me throb. "My inner Goddess" freaks out at the thought and wants it again. Can you be submissive?
As written above is the whole reason I should have been writing here, plus I may have indulged a bit more on things. The above should be written to a girlfriend or lover or just someone who's "comfortable" with reading it. Secure. When I write, some things aren't as they always seem. Rhetorical writing. Not that everything's rhetorical but bits and pieces could be.
I'm trying to be the better person and mend some bridges with a couple people that don't deserve it but I won't do Any favors for anymore. Friends like these I don't need others to screw me over, they do it themselves. At times lately I've felt alone, like I've no one really to call up and say "let's go..." or even "wanna come over?" I get the couples in their own world and I guess that means I need more single friends. My problem is getting to know people, then trusting them and hope they're there for the right reasons... and not because "Nikki pays every time." I do, I hate people paying when we go out simply because I know I can cover it better than most. I only give in to a couple people and only when they justify it for one reason or another.
Now, where was I in my tale of fucked upness? I haven't a clue what I said in the note that put her off. I think she'll come back and say she had a "busy week," but I'm not going for that. If she says that then she's lost me, I want the truth. Attention "whore" or friend? The truth is always nice but how can you tell if someone is lying? Each person has their own "show face," that gives them up or gesture or flinch. Finding out what it is on some is easy but others are hard. I'll know... someday.
My nerves are rattled over this because now I'll be more on guard what I write to people let alone who I write. Better to stick to here. Someday I might find someone who enjoys the blabbering nonsense that is my writing.
"Fifty Shades of Fucked Up," this is also me. As I read more and more and as slow as Fifty Shades of Grey is I like it's simplicity and have come to the conclusion that... I'm much more kinkier than the book and just as "Fucked Up." The book inspires me to write somewhat but then others expectations keep me from trying. What if I don't write better? What if mine is just as "Sophomoric?" I don't write using toys or at least I don't recall ever having written such a story. I could because thinking about the experiences alone makes me throb. "My inner Goddess" freaks out at the thought and wants it again. Can you be submissive?
As written above is the whole reason I should have been writing here, plus I may have indulged a bit more on things. The above should be written to a girlfriend or lover or just someone who's "comfortable" with reading it. Secure. When I write, some things aren't as they always seem. Rhetorical writing. Not that everything's rhetorical but bits and pieces could be.
I'm trying to be the better person and mend some bridges with a couple people that don't deserve it but I won't do Any favors for anymore. Friends like these I don't need others to screw me over, they do it themselves. At times lately I've felt alone, like I've no one really to call up and say "let's go..." or even "wanna come over?" I get the couples in their own world and I guess that means I need more single friends. My problem is getting to know people, then trusting them and hope they're there for the right reasons... and not because "Nikki pays every time." I do, I hate people paying when we go out simply because I know I can cover it better than most. I only give in to a couple people and only when they justify it for one reason or another.
Now, where was I in my tale of fucked upness? I haven't a clue what I said in the note that put her off. I think she'll come back and say she had a "busy week," but I'm not going for that. If she says that then she's lost me, I want the truth. Attention "whore" or friend? The truth is always nice but how can you tell if someone is lying? Each person has their own "show face," that gives them up or gesture or flinch. Finding out what it is on some is easy but others are hard. I'll know... someday.
My nerves are rattled over this because now I'll be more on guard what I write to people let alone who I write. Better to stick to here. Someday I might find someone who enjoys the blabbering nonsense that is my writing.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Hard Days... Night!
Today was one of the most trying days I've had in a long while. I kept thinking, a 36 yr old crying like a baby. Not just crying but sobbing. Why is it when one thing goes wrong the shit just seems to keep coming?
At first my cup holder broke, no biggie, duck tape... then the coke tumbled all over me, the chair, and the floor. Still, I was cool with that. So then my chair proceeds to go out of commission in the middle of the room. Not just did the chair go out but I didn't have my cell on me and the house phone was beeping low battery. Danger #1, can't move, can't pee, can't call for help. My mom came and this other guy... he popped the loose wires and fuse back in and we're up and running... for another couple hours. It went out again as I was titled outside forcing me to call 911. 6 firefighters later I was in bed at 5pm. Great life... that's what I was thinking.
A few breathes later and I'm ok. I know I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I was crying because of frustration and it's all just emotionally trying. As if I knew I wasn't independent before. Right?!
As this night goes on all I can think about is having my freedom. I just get my license and then the chair breaks. I still haven't gone on the highway, still haven't driven Red Rocks. Right now I feel so drained I can't think straight, let alone my mind's preoccupied.
It's funny how as I was stuck I said to myself "I wonder who can catch my vibe out there and know somethings wrong. I heard from a couple people and they didn't surprise me they'd be there or just ironicly text when needed. Little saviors.
And now, it's time to relax and just watch some tv... after I make a fool of myself but I think the hint's there for something, her need to know I'm there? And... I am.
At first my cup holder broke, no biggie, duck tape... then the coke tumbled all over me, the chair, and the floor. Still, I was cool with that. So then my chair proceeds to go out of commission in the middle of the room. Not just did the chair go out but I didn't have my cell on me and the house phone was beeping low battery. Danger #1, can't move, can't pee, can't call for help. My mom came and this other guy... he popped the loose wires and fuse back in and we're up and running... for another couple hours. It went out again as I was titled outside forcing me to call 911. 6 firefighters later I was in bed at 5pm. Great life... that's what I was thinking.
A few breathes later and I'm ok. I know I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I was crying because of frustration and it's all just emotionally trying. As if I knew I wasn't independent before. Right?!
As this night goes on all I can think about is having my freedom. I just get my license and then the chair breaks. I still haven't gone on the highway, still haven't driven Red Rocks. Right now I feel so drained I can't think straight, let alone my mind's preoccupied.
It's funny how as I was stuck I said to myself "I wonder who can catch my vibe out there and know somethings wrong. I heard from a couple people and they didn't surprise me they'd be there or just ironicly text when needed. Little saviors.
And now, it's time to relax and just watch some tv... after I make a fool of myself but I think the hint's there for something, her need to know I'm there? And... I am.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Then it was night, avoidance.
What is it that draws me in yet puts me on my guard? My heart, sensative it is, breaks easily even through the walls that block it. I see in your eyes something that tells me to keep going but then you walk away quiet as can be so I can not see. I keep trying however I'm beginning to think it's time to stop this non sense before I make a fool of myself. I don't feel I'm good enough compared to what I've seen by your side. I don't compare. There's so much I want to do and so much to say but what have I to give? My bad habits keep me from love. My guarded and taken hearts stops me from going further. I can stop, I can give up, I can start loving again... if I can just move on.#giveitup
These days I'm going over in my head all I wish to do... school, volunteer, paint, and get some surgery done. I wish I knew where I could try some stem cells and see if perhaps it can help more. Now that I've my license I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more. All my "friends" I was so anxiosly waiting to get my license to go see are no longer in the picture. Now that someone can call up and say "let's meet for a drink.." no one calls. I reached out to the ones I've stayed in touch with and for the most only one person has come through, the busiest one. Which makes me think of how pathetic facebook is with their "friends." Maybe I'm wrong but if you're in the same town as me and I haven't seen you in a yr or and you ignore me, surely we shouldn't be friends. #fedup
I'm trying to control myself and I should put the computer on the floor so I don't write "her." I already feel like I've reached out enough without anything in return and I know I've gotten hints... or was it a cold shoulder because I was with some other girls I just met? She confuses me at times but yet it could be me confusing me. I flirt yes but I haven't in a while. I just attract people no matter where I go. Sometimes that's good and bad. Drunk people aren't the type I really care to attract. This drunk guy told me I made him feel sick to his stomach because I was happy and smiling... should I have been different? Depressed? Vengeful? Maybe full of rage? What can I say, I am me. #stillsmiling
I keep looking up at the tab to write a note but in the midst of everything I know I'd only be making a bigger fool of myself. When you go to a different table to eat knowing what table I'm at... that's the biggest hint. Writing this is helping because I'm actually getting more pissed. No text answer about anything. Hint. The not subtle things you do speaks volumes to me. What do I fdo? #confused
These days I'm going over in my head all I wish to do... school, volunteer, paint, and get some surgery done. I wish I knew where I could try some stem cells and see if perhaps it can help more. Now that I've my license I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more. All my "friends" I was so anxiosly waiting to get my license to go see are no longer in the picture. Now that someone can call up and say "let's meet for a drink.." no one calls. I reached out to the ones I've stayed in touch with and for the most only one person has come through, the busiest one. Which makes me think of how pathetic facebook is with their "friends." Maybe I'm wrong but if you're in the same town as me and I haven't seen you in a yr or and you ignore me, surely we shouldn't be friends. #fedup
I'm trying to control myself and I should put the computer on the floor so I don't write "her." I already feel like I've reached out enough without anything in return and I know I've gotten hints... or was it a cold shoulder because I was with some other girls I just met? She confuses me at times but yet it could be me confusing me. I flirt yes but I haven't in a while. I just attract people no matter where I go. Sometimes that's good and bad. Drunk people aren't the type I really care to attract. This drunk guy told me I made him feel sick to his stomach because I was happy and smiling... should I have been different? Depressed? Vengeful? Maybe full of rage? What can I say, I am me. #stillsmiling
I keep looking up at the tab to write a note but in the midst of everything I know I'd only be making a bigger fool of myself. When you go to a different table to eat knowing what table I'm at... that's the biggest hint. Writing this is helping because I'm actually getting more pissed. No text answer about anything. Hint. The not subtle things you do speaks volumes to me. What do I fdo? #confused
Monday, July 30, 2012
safety zone's right here
i'm here so i don't write elsewhere. i'm here so my time's not wasted and i make more of an annoyance to the one i'm trying to attract. my time now has been hers. i want to breathe her in and exhale this feeling in my gut of all the years wasted. i can see you, i don't want to be your second best, i don't want to be someone in the crowd, i don't want to be alone, but if i have to be free i'd rather be me.
i haven't offered anything or given any hint. i've tried just the opposite and not let on a thing. the reason i have, the fear i have, the doubt i have, keep me from you. i haven't looked deep enough to see who you really are, some kind of superstar. i love the you that i do know now and continue to know.
yes, i walked away from you, left without a word. i thought you had disappeared until i seen the love you walked away from but are still so close to. maybe you didn't notice, maybe you didn't care, maybe you thought i'd catch you just a little nit later... i didn't... and now i'm here so i won't "go there."
as i watched you i thought to myself how much i wanted to hold you. when you got closer i thought about how much i wanted to kiss you. as i climbed into my new sheets i could only think how badly i wanted you here. the softness on ,my skin makes me crave you. dreaming up tainted thoughts of what you might taste like. i want to pull you in and make you want more. i want you to give into me and let me release you. i want to reach inside you and feel you on my fingertips clamping down as they slip in and out of your desire. that pulsating feeling you feel right now is what i want to suck out of you. i want to hear my name screamed by you as you reach your height of climax... and at that i can't stop because hearing you only makes my hunger grow stronger.
and so, now you know my thoughts... now you understand my distance.
i haven't offered anything or given any hint. i've tried just the opposite and not let on a thing. the reason i have, the fear i have, the doubt i have, keep me from you. i haven't looked deep enough to see who you really are, some kind of superstar. i love the you that i do know now and continue to know.
yes, i walked away from you, left without a word. i thought you had disappeared until i seen the love you walked away from but are still so close to. maybe you didn't notice, maybe you didn't care, maybe you thought i'd catch you just a little nit later... i didn't... and now i'm here so i won't "go there."
as i watched you i thought to myself how much i wanted to hold you. when you got closer i thought about how much i wanted to kiss you. as i climbed into my new sheets i could only think how badly i wanted you here. the softness on ,my skin makes me crave you. dreaming up tainted thoughts of what you might taste like. i want to pull you in and make you want more. i want you to give into me and let me release you. i want to reach inside you and feel you on my fingertips clamping down as they slip in and out of your desire. that pulsating feeling you feel right now is what i want to suck out of you. i want to hear my name screamed by you as you reach your height of climax... and at that i can't stop because hearing you only makes my hunger grow stronger.
and so, now you know my thoughts... now you understand my distance.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Not a Fool
Instead of me making a fool out of myself writing this or that to her or her and ramble on only to realize it never should have been sent. I'll make a fool of myself right here, where no one usually see's. At least with snailmail I could call Mickey and say, "There's a letter coming, don't open it." In the end it was always cleared for her to open. Then email... almost always irreversible. AOL used to have an unsend button but only to other members... found that out the hard way. Unsend, unsend, unsend, Oh shit!
I was surprised this week by the actions of those who say they're my friends. A few I know are not friends and I don't know why I keep them on FB if only not to start a bunch of gossip on why we're not friends. Buh-bye to you in my heart though. Another talked crap about another friend only to not talk to me after going out... and she said the other friend was low on the totem pole. I'd say... friends? Please, do point them out because I can't say I got one text today or yesterday from anyone. You can't tell me every thing's done through fucking FB now. Friends shouldn't rely on FB to say hi, hello, I'm thinking about you, How are you? Takes away from the personability of the friendship in the first place.
I'm a fool who needs to correct herself and most don't know how quickly I can. I just won't write anymore or text... after 4 days of nothing that's a subtle hint to me to leave someone alone. I can only do so much on my end without anything reciprocated because I've learned there's always a reason why. I'm not a fool when I know your cell is glued to you or you at least check it from one activity to the next... so it's outright ignoring me. Sometimes I wish people could get the nerve to say "Leave me alone."
Subtlety has never been me when it comes to coming out about my feelings but somebody really has to do a lot to catch me... and now I'm trying not to play the fool. I'm trying not to write or text but I did today, I broke down and sent a text to make sure I wouldn't get blamed for not following through. Though let down I expected just as much but I did not expect silence.
Letter to a Jane:
Now, for better days, I won't play the fool, I won't play at all, I can't continue down this painful fall. The silence you created between us only sets us further apart. I try getting close as your friend though I feel there may be more I don't know but I let go more and more knowing you can read me and not answer. If you've read me right you'd know friendship was all I was offering to you, all I could offer, and I thought I made it clear, overly clear. I embellish. I see what's not there. I take control even after my hearts lost it... because I don't want to be a fool.
I was surprised this week by the actions of those who say they're my friends. A few I know are not friends and I don't know why I keep them on FB if only not to start a bunch of gossip on why we're not friends. Buh-bye to you in my heart though. Another talked crap about another friend only to not talk to me after going out... and she said the other friend was low on the totem pole. I'd say... friends? Please, do point them out because I can't say I got one text today or yesterday from anyone. You can't tell me every thing's done through fucking FB now. Friends shouldn't rely on FB to say hi, hello, I'm thinking about you, How are you? Takes away from the personability of the friendship in the first place.
I'm a fool who needs to correct herself and most don't know how quickly I can. I just won't write anymore or text... after 4 days of nothing that's a subtle hint to me to leave someone alone. I can only do so much on my end without anything reciprocated because I've learned there's always a reason why. I'm not a fool when I know your cell is glued to you or you at least check it from one activity to the next... so it's outright ignoring me. Sometimes I wish people could get the nerve to say "Leave me alone."
Subtlety has never been me when it comes to coming out about my feelings but somebody really has to do a lot to catch me... and now I'm trying not to play the fool. I'm trying not to write or text but I did today, I broke down and sent a text to make sure I wouldn't get blamed for not following through. Though let down I expected just as much but I did not expect silence.
Letter to a Jane:
Now, for better days, I won't play the fool, I won't play at all, I can't continue down this painful fall. The silence you created between us only sets us further apart. I try getting close as your friend though I feel there may be more I don't know but I let go more and more knowing you can read me and not answer. If you've read me right you'd know friendship was all I was offering to you, all I could offer, and I thought I made it clear, overly clear. I embellish. I see what's not there. I take control even after my hearts lost it... because I don't want to be a fool.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Yesterdays
III. Yesterdays
Yesterday I saw you though I stayed hidden just watching you. Your beauty captivated my eyes, your laughter rang in my ears, your actions made my body ache with desire. I knew I couldn't say anything to you right away so I sat and then I watched as you watched me.
Yesterday I broke down admitting I'm caught by you. Revealing myself to the one I thought I had it all with. I'm caught or so I thought but then again maybe I'm not. Opening the doors to something new my heart admits the fallen truth.
Yesterday through watching you I felt my love slipping away. I felt like Yesterday was a day of reckoning a day of admitting one truth in search of another. Yesterday I let go what was for a chance at what could be.
Yesterday wasn't meant to be filled with so many emotions or conflicted meanings. Yesterday was supposed to be easy if I had only stay hidden watching you. You break my doors down and open me up so yesterday can turn into Tomorrow.
Yesterday I saw you though I stayed hidden just watching you. Your beauty captivated my eyes, your laughter rang in my ears, your actions made my body ache with desire. I knew I couldn't say anything to you right away so I sat and then I watched as you watched me.
Yesterday I broke down admitting I'm caught by you. Revealing myself to the one I thought I had it all with. I'm caught or so I thought but then again maybe I'm not. Opening the doors to something new my heart admits the fallen truth.
Yesterday through watching you I felt my love slipping away. I felt like Yesterday was a day of reckoning a day of admitting one truth in search of another. Yesterday I let go what was for a chance at what could be.
Yesterday wasn't meant to be filled with so many emotions or conflicted meanings. Yesterday was supposed to be easy if I had only stay hidden watching you. You break my doors down and open me up so yesterday can turn into Tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Mar 22, 2009 falling
...
I’m falling… and there’s no arms to catch me… I try taking chances… each chance I take I want to become more of a recluse…driving myself to the heights of unobtainable… reaching for those that are untouchable… I’m falling… I fight it more and more… recognizable I’d rather stay in love where I’m at… in me… catching, reaching, I’m there… taking a chance without taking a plunge… keeping to myself… my thoughts… feelings… no room to be broken… when falling I’m falling apart giving up my self… in darkness you might find me… in late night denial… lost in thoughts of why not… why… and all that I am not… to be fallen for.
I’m falling… and there’s no arms to catch me… I try taking chances… each chance I take I want to become more of a recluse…driving myself to the heights of unobtainable… reaching for those that are untouchable… I’m falling… I fight it more and more… recognizable I’d rather stay in love where I’m at… in me… catching, reaching, I’m there… taking a chance without taking a plunge… keeping to myself… my thoughts… feelings… no room to be broken… when falling I’m falling apart giving up my self… in darkness you might find me… in late night denial… lost in thoughts of why not… why… and all that I am not… to be fallen for.
Mar 27, 20 aphrodisiac, denial, want, need, feel it.
Live high… live rightchiously… live life like it’s an aphrodisiac… it is… what you want… not always what you need… but living high…. A mile it is… it will be… all a dream to me… the curves… the hands… the curiosity… once sustained by one… stained by others instead… how happy she must be… to pass the buck aside… real feelings…. Nothing there to hide… my aphrodisiac was her… is… and I comply… all she is entrances me to others alike… I know what I want… a drink… a taste of her wine… that which is unknown… unshown… forgotten… but one sip of her… I’m craving it all again… the wonder… the feel… the fate… the waiting… the kiss… all I want I turn away… that which I can’t have… I ask to stay… my own abuse… the turning away… but aroused I can not deny… what’s real… what’s stuck between my thighs… that throbbing… that ache… that denial.. the shred of doubt touches you… you want to feel it… but just can’t…. Touch it.
Mar 31, 2009 JAZZed up...
All in all my aphrodisiac is you, feeding my mind, touching my body, getting to know every inch, stimulating me as you explore, the more you tease me, I ache for more, in every dream, every dance you took, all the times you gave me that look, all my body took you in, pinch me, wake me up, rattle me a few, but still in a dream, my aphrodisiac is you.
Unreachable, untouchable, unobtainable, unachievable, underneath I still want you.
When I thought I could hide, I hide within riddles of words that could mean anything, could be almost anyone, but sometimes being stuck in the maze is better than finding your way out.
Thought by thought, or song by song, I never thought Jazz to be so sexy and provocative, putting my mind in places it shouldn’t go, but I dare, I turn around at the first sign, if I’m followed tan I know better, if I get that look I know to keep going, it says follow me, I follow only to be lost in the maze said above, and then wonder, what happens if we collide in that maze, the unreachable reached after almost giving up, what was unobtainable now seems relative, but still I find it’s perfect, where I like to hide.
The maze of aMazement in my mind.
Oh lord, who will convert me… then I look and it’s really “who will comfort me.”
Where be my head?
If I felt I could fall and not fall into pieces I don’t know if I’d fall for you. If I felt I was worthy of you or is it more that I am good for you. If I felt I could look you in the eye and tell you I’m falling only to be
judged by our kiss after I’d look up. If.
II. "We"
It wasn't very long after the first sign of temptation that another arose even after you thought and said it wouldn't. Or was it couldn't? The relationship was complicated by the threads that intertwined us together. It was you that kept reminding me "we" couldn't happen. Now, I think you were telling yourself that to keep from wanting more.
There could be no more than my lips lingering on your skin but never to touch your mouth. My hands wandering with such restraint, never traveling to the heat of you. I know how you fought it squirming beneath my touch but never pulling away. Fighting to move closer to where my hand strokes your inner thigh occassionally just circling like I would inside you. I want you wanting. Anticipating.
Now, drunken phone calls reveal the you I know. Which is the real you? The one who ignores my gestures and feeble attempts to get you? The one who takes me to an alley, gets close enough for me to make a move, then backs away pretending nothing happened? The one who lays in bed beside me in my arms trusting my hands to wander?
The "We" to be left undefined.
There could be no more than my lips lingering on your skin but never to touch your mouth. My hands wandering with such restraint, never traveling to the heat of you. I know how you fought it squirming beneath my touch but never pulling away. Fighting to move closer to where my hand strokes your inner thigh occassionally just circling like I would inside you. I want you wanting. Anticipating.
Now, drunken phone calls reveal the you I know. Which is the real you? The one who ignores my gestures and feeble attempts to get you? The one who takes me to an alley, gets close enough for me to make a move, then backs away pretending nothing happened? The one who lays in bed beside me in my arms trusting my hands to wander?
The "We" to be left undefined.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I. The Beginning
I had this itch inside that wanted to write and instead of making a fool out of myself in some note... I'll do it here, in the open.
I just want to let my mind drift...
I. The Beginning
It was many nights ago I realized I loved you. Our friendship had evolved into something you dared not think of. Though many factors force themselves between us I'm still compelled to cross that line. However fearful the path may be I shall tread fearlessly towards love.
The night that captured your beauty beneath the moonlight. You relentlessly sat down on my lap and told me secrets I thought I only knew. Beneath my lips is the softness of your forehead. You don't look up, but stare at the moon, you know if you look up to me it's giving into my lips. You can tell me what's in the depths of your heart sacred but can't conjure the courage to simply look up.
My body heat rises and something stirs inside me, the hunger for you. I keep it contained as I always have, never acting on it. My heart pounds and the yearning inside me wants to push you, wants to take advantage of the unknown, wants to give in and make a move. I don't.
The many nights spent curled on my lap talking, cuddling, sleeping, or thinking what you might want to do... want to try. I still don't make my move, something inside tells me you're not ready. Will you ever be?
It's not just me, it's the way our eyes meet and what's said at a glance that doesn't need words. You know I'll wait for you. Within your words I know what lay behind, within your eyes, all that can be said is done when you look at me. I see you, I really see you, and not what you camoflouge from others. You reveal yourself to me in the ways you know how.
Your heart under such a big lock the key to opening the door is difficult to gain access to. The door to you is closed but gradually opening as I figure you out. I know you, this is no game, loving you comes at a price, but it's a price I'm willing to pay.
I lose my mind in your direction upon sight of you. My tongue presses my lips and moistens them before I bite my bottom lip. I can see your eyes caught looking mesmerized by my lips and this act of luring you in. However hard I try your battle within is stronger.
In my mind I play it out. I trace my lips across your neck softly kissing it. I can hear your breathing getting quicker and there's no pulling away. My tongue tastes tiny pieces of you making my way slowly up to your lips. The time has come, your lips are parted, eyes closed, I know your waiting...
I just want to let my mind drift...
I. The Beginning
It was many nights ago I realized I loved you. Our friendship had evolved into something you dared not think of. Though many factors force themselves between us I'm still compelled to cross that line. However fearful the path may be I shall tread fearlessly towards love.
The night that captured your beauty beneath the moonlight. You relentlessly sat down on my lap and told me secrets I thought I only knew. Beneath my lips is the softness of your forehead. You don't look up, but stare at the moon, you know if you look up to me it's giving into my lips. You can tell me what's in the depths of your heart sacred but can't conjure the courage to simply look up.
My body heat rises and something stirs inside me, the hunger for you. I keep it contained as I always have, never acting on it. My heart pounds and the yearning inside me wants to push you, wants to take advantage of the unknown, wants to give in and make a move. I don't.
The many nights spent curled on my lap talking, cuddling, sleeping, or thinking what you might want to do... want to try. I still don't make my move, something inside tells me you're not ready. Will you ever be?
It's not just me, it's the way our eyes meet and what's said at a glance that doesn't need words. You know I'll wait for you. Within your words I know what lay behind, within your eyes, all that can be said is done when you look at me. I see you, I really see you, and not what you camoflouge from others. You reveal yourself to me in the ways you know how.
Your heart under such a big lock the key to opening the door is difficult to gain access to. The door to you is closed but gradually opening as I figure you out. I know you, this is no game, loving you comes at a price, but it's a price I'm willing to pay.
I lose my mind in your direction upon sight of you. My tongue presses my lips and moistens them before I bite my bottom lip. I can see your eyes caught looking mesmerized by my lips and this act of luring you in. However hard I try your battle within is stronger.
In my mind I play it out. I trace my lips across your neck softly kissing it. I can hear your breathing getting quicker and there's no pulling away. My tongue tastes tiny pieces of you making my way slowly up to your lips. The time has come, your lips are parted, eyes closed, I know your waiting...
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Late night revelations
This void, if any, plays with my head entertaining thoughts of longing and missing. Other times I feel completely content, anything more would be overwhelming. I once asked myself what I wanted to do and the only things that came to mind were School, drawing/painting, and playing music. I don't seem to have the right breathing for the Harp and the slide guitar doesn't seem like it'll happen with the equipment and strength. I should be driving next month sometime and that'll change a little up. I might go take a class or two. Something to keep my brain working.
My path, halted right now it seems. Maybe it's not so much a void as it is not knowing what's next. I feel like putting some paper in a hat and drawing out different things that I might do. I've two drawings started but want to try painting... oil! Would I feel less of a void? Would I feel content then?
I fear this love I feel will never go where it should simply because it's just so... Gay! I can feel what I do and profess it but not act on it. That's the problem with "straight" women, it's hard after so many years of trying to find someone to admit to yourself and everyone else for that matter, you might be gay. So many conflicts to be together one might wonder why the need to pursue anything. Love.
So... in short. I don't feel a void so much as a lack of doing things and knowing what I need to do next for the future. As for this love... what can I do? I can't stop loving her after 16 years, I just wish she could feel the same, again.
Late nights used to be so good for writing and now, in the back of my mind, I worry who might read this which inhibits my ability to write openly. Why was there no issue with writing it on Myspace? Good question.
Long yawns and joints await me. No more teary yawns! Goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)