All In

Life is interesting, you never expect what you're going to get. i never thought i'd be in a wheelchair forced to live by others rules... yet here i am almost 16 years later still here, still at the mercy of a caregiver everyday... and then one can hope the caregivers know what they're doing, that they speak english, and they don't have attitude. i try not to let my frustration get the best of me but when they're show something three times i just believe you should know it. goddess help me in the morning.
My emotional psyche is steadily getting torn. up at 1 in the afternoon and get put to bed at 8pm... not much of a life there as i see it. where is the quality of life there? i don't want to give up but me being at the mercy of the va has me following strict guidelines or i lose my benefits. if not for worrying about my care my life would be very satisfactory. right now, my decline is at stake.
It's been a few months now since i've talked to m. it hurts she completely shut me out but i'm guessing it was that she got a boyfriend... maybe even engaged. she's destined for someone great it just wasn't and won't be me. i think about her and know i love her still and always will no matter if she's in my life or needs me out. for her life to be healthy i guess i take the back burner as i always have. selfless love. i know distance  doesn't make the heart grow fonder but it doesn't stop the heart from feeling either. i was warned and still i fell.
Sometimes all seems hopeless, like now, but i know it has to get better. i have friends worse off than me and still continue laughing. they say you're only given what you can handle but what if that handle breaks off? what if we can't handle it anymore? i've gone on longer than what i've thought i could or ever would. thanksgiving's coming up... should i be thankful? knowing how i've lived the past 16 years, the struggles i've had, the close calls, the dying, the aides not showing up, the worry that if it snows someone may not be here.... but there's also the lessons you teach people, the inspiration, or just the smile to a stranger that says "i'm ok." i'm still all in.

Unsent and Unread

_____,
many days have passed by with no word from you and yet my mind still drifts right to you. whether it is curiosity or love i do not know but i'm not afraid to admit my bafflement. every time i see you you put a smile across my face and my heart starts doing a dance. a dance of knowing the warmth between us is genuine and not to gain or win some popularity contest. you make my heart dance simply by being close enough to call you a friend because your positive light helps me to shine. by no means am i being selfish, i just feel a better me through you.
before i saw no possibilities beyond one person and now i see how closed off i was and how i had to let go. i let go. she let go completely after that and though it hurt i can't control her. for 15 years i loved one person unconditionally and thought my future laid in her hands. she was destined to be my lover... that never happened. we mutually loved each other but in the end i believe i was more in love and she was still lost in denial. i wonder upon seeing her if the flood gates would open but then there's now you in the equation. the equation that is in my head.
though you've recriprocated nothing you've helped me move on by letting me love you. however secretly my love is for you. or should i say however disguised my feelings are i'd like to figure out. i'm on no time table and i'm sure you'll have somebody before i ever figured out anything leaving me too late. i can't come out and say i have feelings because you'll run away but at the same time i know you, you can't stay single long.

(and if you think i'm referring to you i'm probably not.)

i always say "one last smoke," it's a reoccurring beginning for me here as well as my "last note of the night." however much i write and show my self to you i can't tell you anything is for sure. i can tell you i love you assuredly but to misintrepret what i don't know myself. i express things better in writing yet linger on words.
i am still here. i am still around. i'm just watching from the background.  you're not alone nor have i gone anywhere. i like giving you your space but hate when you actually take it leaving me to wonder. all i care to wonder about right now is You.