who plays a fool?

I’ve the doors song “this is the end” in my head for some reason… maybe due to a friend fucking up things between lolli and I. friend? Even lolli had to leave the house to talk to “someone.” Duh. I want things to work but this friend isn’t much for it and is almost making this a me vs. her. I’m trying not to pull away from loolli but it’s hard. Trust is a big thing and simply saying “I’m not a cheater” doesn’t mean they won’t. when all day she’s txt’ing and I’m writing and get “I don’t feel good,” somethings up. I don’t even want to look at her right now… why be here, with me, and txting all day? It’s hard not to be distant… plus I’m stuck in bed watching shit I don’t want to, have even stated I’VE a show coming on, said put the movie out in the other room, and still here I am typing. It’s hard not knowing what to do….. I should’ve never shared anything. Because the openness isn’t a two way street!

I finally found someone I’m attracted to but it seems like so much is against us. Her being a bartender, but I feeel like I can trust her there… if all goes well for her. Maybe it’s like I said, I’m just for the time being or a nice fill in, cuddle buddy and she’s just confused. I’d like those thought’s to be gone but even sitting here writing almost iin tears does nothing. Should that tell me something? Tonight I’m actually looking forward to the night aide coming. I haven’t since we met. I feel like the fool here where my “friend” says she is. I’m too nice, I’m even loaning this friend van since her car blew up… still, I do it cuz I’m a sucker and a fool at the same time.

Great, and now my aide’’ll be late and he’s my savior right now. I know I’ll support the two of them with whatever they decide. I know lolli already said she feels friienddship for her I know the other feels more. Trust. I know I need try not letting my fears pull me away but it’s hard when she’s next to me txting her these huge long messages… after me sharing all mine and my emails… regret. I should’ve never sid anything. After a month I’m still introduced as “friend” even though she says she knows what she wants… and I’m the one with fear. I don’t know who’s more confused… to me she is. Day to dahy knowing what she wants then not knowing what she wantts… oy, all this and I should’ve just kept it all hidden…. But then how did it aall start, a kiss? Really I wonder if we both knew the same time we wanted more? Like I said, she sat on my lap to keep warm or me warm and I knew right then.

I don’t want to stop writing but my aide’ll be here any minutte. Yeah yeah, I know, trust, talking, and don’t push away over stupid shit. I shall try… shall I prevail?/

whatever

nothing happened, nothing more, wwhat happens when you see the door closing, as it knocks you on the floor. to get it  through to you i can't explain, stuck in your own llittle dream, of what you can't explain. it wwas over before anything began and there was fate to thank for that, because had something been more i would've only rran. away from you, seperating myself from the madness, of someone who gets stuck in,, the requim og their own dream.

Tags: writing, life, bye, dream,

soappbox

Ii thought this font looked cool and I’ve about 15 minutes to just sit and go… after having company all day I don’t much feel like doing email, I did 2 tests on myspace (in 1 I was most like the leader jfk, hmm, what’s up with that and maybe I’m all messed up on my voting.) any lesbians going for obama? Well, I’m sure hillary’d be great, can’t have the two right? Nope, they’re both too good for 2nd chair… and too good to ask. Wouldn’t it be healthy to have the top 2 AS the top 2? If they say it’s a democracy and all and are doing the democratic vote fairly, not winner take all, but then the people would be choosing both their pres. And vp! That’s just!

Ok, off my sopbox there, who woulda’ thought I’d actually have something to say about it or a view. Like ii said, I look at healthcare/veteran treatment, gay rights, global thinking and reaching out. But, ya never know, if them gays get married next’ll be animals… these people grew up on a farm (said before,) to have this even pop in their thick heads! Yes, grannt us divorce and all the adultery straight couples are entitled too! We deserve the same misery or un-misery!

Anyway, I guess my 15 has passed…. Now, to toke as time might pass fasssssssssssss…t.

Tags: gay, democrat, hillary, obama, team, gay rights,

Blind

Three almost seems to be a magical number. Three weeks of pain, bad things come in three’s, third times a charm, threesome’s! it just feels like I’m lost. I talked to my older sister who told me my younger sister, who I don’t talk to anymore and it doesn’t seem to bother anyone but me but I’ll be ok. She has a boyfriend now? My older sister thinks she’s lying and it’s a girl… I said, why would she lie after totally coming out? No reason to, love who you love, there’s proof… like I’ve always told her, just love who ya love. Best advice a sister can give… regardless if she’s lying, it wouldn’t surprise me given her present company. Funny, is lying catchy or rub off or is to see if I’ll hear about it? Whatever makes her happy is what I want, regardless if we ever talk again.

I like this guy, Ernie Halter… Congress Hotel cd, good! Moving Along.

I’m trying to keep “up” and keep the positive thought’s flowing. Love helps and my valentine got flowers and Hershey personalized chocolate… I love how you can personalize the heart! What can I say, I’m in love, lust, lucidity, lavishing the moment and the day… because why? I can! It’s within my power to control how MY valentines day goes as it is within everyone’s.

Create the day how you will, create everyday as you would a holiday (easier said than done, more talk than action here but it’s a healthy reminder!) Treat everyday as if it were your last… too many have said these words. Talking of death today was so easy to explain my point of view… maybe I should take notice it’s come up far too often in talks, hint hint, I knock on wood for these moments. Some things you can call me superstitious on. I’ll admit it fearlessly!

To walk about life without fear of anything, to embrace each day as a loving happy holiday, to approach things in a decent manner, and here’s to loving who you will and being able to see love not sex. Cheers!

Tags: positive, love, gay, family, philosophy, self help

another scar

You open me up, you bleed me dry, you find the places, you cut way too deep… I close up, I heal from the wounds, I replenish and flourish, I prevail over you’re deadly quake.

Time can take away the wounds but the scars left are like a memory and each, scar, has it’s own story, it’s own lesson I either learned by or have only another, scar, leading from it forming a familiar shape to remind me until I’ve learned leaving one big, scar, on my heart.

Tags: scar on heart, healing, learning, life, love

Scribbling

i'm smiling, my bro just txt'd me his computer was out and that's why he hasn't written... this being my bro i've met umm once and we've started staying even more touch. weird things just happen... i tell my other sister she's dead to me, i've good justification, sister's should stick by each other not by the person- coleen- who fucked them over. it doesn't matter, i never seen or talked to her really. she did call almost everyday in basic training but i guess that was because she had nobody else.... makes you wonder, not really, the better of us two.... i was there for her and she is two faced upo her move here. i didn't even tell her coleen's court date cuz i didn't trust her. the judge awarded me $6002 8% interest! now, the ada coordinator's checking to see and a bench warrant'll be out tomorrow if her paperwork isn't turned in. otherwise anyone in denver knowing DIA's payroll number/address i can get the garnishment papers delivered.

this shit don't include my sister... but me and coleen have been going back/forth in email civilized, which is good. and ow shit, my boi's here!! boi toy!

Tags: court, quadraplegic

drifting

you can call it what you will, everytime "karma" jumps into my head i try telling myself there is no karma, there just is. i'm glad i read the book "buddha" by deepak chopra because it gave me much better insight into buddha's true belief's and what he learned. i reccomend reading it... no religion, everything is already inside you, once you give into that than pure happiness may be achieved... those that are searching for their "selfs" like me.