Harsh Heart but Clarity

Me and Coleen had a talk tonight and throughout the day, talk/argue really. After all was said and done I really felt like a fool for even thinking, wanting, or hoping for things to be back to when we were first together… she told me she had never said she was my girlfriend and this is after two years living together. If not my girlfriend sex is a fuck, sorry, but it is what it is. It just made me think about every journal entry written on how I wanted things different, what should I do, how I wanted more between us… and all that time I was saying that you’d think she’d tell me “there’s no hope, don’t want anything anymore,” instead of letting me make a damn fool of myself about my feelings. No, I can’t be a friend because I don’t have the feelings a friend has, there’s more.. Makes sense right? Nobody can disagree there, too hard being friends when one feels more. It was never that I knew she wasn’t a good one, I think I said that, it wasn’t anything except maybe openness and nursing. I share too much and want to know more about my gf’s life than she’s ever shared. Even in CT she was kinda closed off, I thought I had trouble talking. A lot got said and I can understand, I just need to fix myself now, but where to start? It’s hard because I actually never looked into the future these past couple years and seen it without Coleen. I vent a lot, that’s what this is for… how I FEEL, and sometimes you do wish to go back and delete something or redo something but within redoing it it would change everything? I was totally wrong in saying what I did about Dani, I only said it for C, she’s the best lover I’ve had actually except with one thing we disagree on… if that’s the reason it says a lot that sex is more important. I appreciate the support so much because I feel the pit of my stomach doing butterflies at the harsh reality, yet clarity, that coleen doesn’t love me anymore… guess she can move on where I wish I could.