Sleepy eyes!

My heads a mess if anyone could see. My hearts causing this conflict and I wish I could let go. Part of me keeps hanging on, not for a future but maybe something else. We've been through so much is it even possible to get it all back? I know I miss her touch and her lips. Today made me see that more than ever. All she did was lay back on the couch and I couldn't help but get aroused. Then of course the memory pops up of the couch which doesn't help. There's something about her I didn't choose to fall for her, it was gradually and then... You realize you've hit the floor.
Should I be upset over all she said to me in a night of anger? I can't. I'm more distraught over this guy yet I try to bottle it up because I know there's nothing to worry about and it's great musicianship. I try to put her first even if it hurts. Still,, things are different. I don't understand meeting here to "preparty," then going to the show separate yet leave together. Drives me nuts because I don't see the point in both driving. Other people she'll drive and they ride with. Is it me?
I can't say anything to her, so am I being myself? I like telling her I love her and if she's looking hot, sexy, or cute I like to voice it. I love touching her and miss feeling her soft skin. I miss her. I miss what was us. Her lips went perfectly with mine and she said the same, was that a lie? I'm so wracked in my head I wish I knew what was real to her and what wasn't.
I know I should stay away and with strength I'm hoping to I can't keep hurting myself just to give her what she wants. She's doing great while I'm struggling. Theres a hard knot in my tummy as I talk about walking away. I just love her too much.

She Is

I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame, my weakness is her when she whispers my name. I crave her like chocolate on top of strawberries, my thoughts of her race and with her voice is carried. She is the love I've waited for, she is the life I need, her beauty that surrounds us, is a I need to breathe.

My love, I miss you.

A notebook

I started a new notebook and as it develops into more its geared towards one person. Another good way to get my feelings out since I can't seem to talk about them or wrap my head around things. Were the past few months of my life just a lie? Where was I? Was I just confused? Would confusion hurt this bad? I had to delete a number so I could be strong and not text... I would have by now where she hasn't. She is strong because she's moved on and is over it. It's not like I don't have her number in my house phone. She'll be just fine it's me that's not doing so great. Friends who show their true colors here... And then I wonder what was I all along if its this easy to let go and have no contact. Back to my notebook, her 9th!

Circles in my head

Something so new to me and having to let go of it. Watching her walk away from all the words that were once said. It's bound to happen again as long as she stays married... either way, she is not attracted to me. Why would you sleep with someone you weren't attracted to? Why would you even kiss them? All these questions circle my mind like unfinished business. Basically tonight she told me she'd have an affair again under certain circumstances. I couldn't handle it. I know she's not content or happy at home so it will happen. I can't compete because I'm not a male. What was this then for months? We really weren't anything except aquantances before we started showing interest in each other. She'll be fine, her heart has already moved on and in that I know how much our "relationship" meant. Chalk it up to a lessen learned as she walks on my heart. I feel too strongly and I'm trying to be a friend but it's hard holding back. She might be ok with everything but I'm having a hard time. Such is love. The day she told me how she felt my heart broke. I tell the friends close to me what she said and that we're just friends and I think they're in denial,. They've said that maybe she just loves me and realizes she can't have me because she's married. My aide thinks we argue because we love each other so much. I wish this were true. Love is a one way street. She can't/won't even put an "I" before "Love you." I get it, her way of distancing herself or being a friend. I even had a hard time texting her because I'd have to hold back what I really want to say.
What do I do? I hate to say it but I'm going to go for it with someone else. There's no romantic feelings but she can certainly be my kissing cuddle buddy. We've already kissed a little but a little bit more. Last time she hugged me naked and her mouth was by my breast and she said "don't temp me." Whew, hot! Tomorrows the day, I can feel it... the Gemini in me! It'll help get me over her. Something has to. I think I'll sell my Prince ticket. The only reason I bought one was because of her. Why would I go and then possibly run into her. It's hard to believe it's come to this. It tears me up and I get all congested. I can't hide how I feel and unfortunately it's more than being friends. I was fine with how things were until someones name came up. I know I'm not fooling myself, given the chance, a drunken night, all he'd have to do is ask her out to smoke and make a move and she'd give in. I feel this and believe it. She's already admitted in a roundabout way that she's masterbated ith him in mind... not me. I love him too just not like that. That hurt. I can't go on feeling like this, I'm in a rut. Even if she came around again I don't think I can get past the honesty about getting in trouble. I need to face it, reality, things will never be the same. So let her go and start picking up the pieces. Quit writing in this notebook or rip out her pgs and start fresh. I wanted her to have a notebook reminding her how much I loved her. She once said "thank you" for showing her what true love feels like and hopefully she'll find that. She won't being married sadly.
My eyes revert back to my cell as if she'll text at any moment, but it's late, I know she won't. What friends sit there and text almost all day long? Still, hen we aren't together she has me in the palm of her hand, litertally. My deepest wish would be for her to come through the doors with a kiss that makes me feel every powerful emotion between us. Like when returning from Chicago. Wow, the kiss was intense for some reason. Yes, I wish she'd realize she loves me more than anything and can't breathe without me. Lyrics are just that in the end, lyrics. A song really doesn't mean anything when you think about it. I just want to love her and show her happiness. Yes, I'm still in love... I'm out of lust.
As late as it is I should end. If tears were pennies I'd be rich.

Sleepless in Denver.

I fear too much has been said that this can't be undone. My love is still there, it hasn't just gone away. Throughout my head though I hear all the things that were said and not said. It all started when she not in so many words told me it wasn't me she was thinking about while masturbating. Now I wouldn't so much care If I wasn't led to believe that she was only thinking of me. She was kissing me up until Friday. I threw her attraction off. I think I need to think of all the negative to move on. Like the fact that she called me insane, a predator, that I took advantage of her. All the while she kept telling me she is a grown woman. She is no longer attracted to me or in love. She has told me her heart is not with me. So I'm only fooling myself here thinking there would ever be any kind of Relationship. Whether it be on the side or behind closed doors. I was willing to accept the latter. I was willing to wait because God only knows where anything would have gone. I was told we were having sex because of all the guilt and anxiety it brings to her because of being married. I wasn't told until we argued that she was no longer attracted to me, That her feelings all along were just confusion, That I took advantage of her at a weak point. All this inside her for weeks and she just strung me along. So strung that she was acting like my kiss turned her on just last week... And she can't understand why this would upset me.
I always thought I was easy to talk to you but she is afraid to talk to me. I believe this fear is just because she does not want to lose our friendship. Now, it's gotten so bad I don't think there's any going back. I've lost her. I never had her. I keep thinking of all The things she said before. How she has never known love like this. She brings out every emotion in me, But love should not be this hard and I wonder if it is just that way because she's married and can't give what she would like to give and what I would love... Her. We have always talked and then came around. This is different. I'm still hearing all these Negative things that were said. I'm glad I didn't say anything.
What was upsetting about the "crush," was her denial. And then instantly get mad because she thought I called up certain company... I don't understand. I understand it went too far. It was upsetting overhearing her talk about him yet totally deny it to my face. That's what upset me.
I thought she was like Michelle, Attracted to guys, And there was just something about me. I believe it's possible to love the person as a whole package no matter what the sex. I've even called her crush my "man crush" before. I get it.
I just can't believe it went where it did. I believe it's because we love each so damn much but can't be together. Then again what I have believed this far has only got me heartbroken.

Mumbo Jumbo Good for Me

Tonight, alone thinking about how it used to be

Tomorrow, a reality I really don't care to know

Yesterday, just a memory hoping this would last

This morning, I woke up without you in my arms

It's time, it just passes us on by.

--

I want to be honest with myself but I don't want to lose what I have. I grasp for the webs that are tangled as I unravel them. As I unravel myself. I'm still entangled, still intoxicated, still stuck here in this web that's gradually falling apart. I feel it in my bones, as my weakness dissipates and my eyes become clear. The spider is gone, done entangling me, done with the beautiful web it created. Somehow I feel a loss, the distance, the knowing this is not what is wanted. Knowing this web is unraveling only to set me free.

--

Many days have been a struggle since the physical has stopped. I still wonder if it's the whole being with a woman. I hear "I'm straight," so where do I fit in then? I have a hard time listening to her talk about men as well as overhearing her go gaw Gae over a crush, boyfriend #1. I felt as if I shouldn't have been there. And to hear them talk about going on a trip for almost 2 weeks... their best friends so I get it... but then to say her and I couldn't go for a weekend somewhere or three days. Shit, we're together right now everyday and if not she's usually texting me. I didn't think either of us could hold out long but I proved myself wrong, five hours  went by. I feel her distance today, barely texting, I know when somethings up... so do I beat it and simply take myself out of the equation? 

A buddy stopped by today and made a good point about someone she was interested in who was interested in her but had a wife....... she was unhappy where she was at vs my buddy is free to be happy. She's the one stepping out to find love and happiness and my buddy wouldn't put up with the games... I get no games. I get bluntness, "You knew from the start I was married." Yes, so did you and did it stop? Are there still strong feelings without he sex? Most definitely. But I need to be strong for myself. If tomorrow her and her husband decided they could be free as long as it doesn't effect the kids it wouldn't be me she'd pursue, she wouldn't pursue anything but if anything were to happen it'd be a guy. Because of this alone I shouldn't be kissing her lips. I want her to want me and be happy with me but it'll never happen because of the guilt... I'd get over it after this long and if I found something that made me happy I'd stick with it. The honesty will come later. What do I know? 

What to do?

I wasn't too far off but I'm not sure this is what I want... until I know or get too frustrated I have to stay with my heart. As soon as I say I'm done I'm back apologizing for being done or getting frustrated. Really, how long can we last like this? All these feelings I feel and they don't go away, don't disappear, and don't stop. Each day I'm smiling and even happier than before and I know, I'm in love. I'm in love and lust. It's funny how at a certain point you're like "this is the one," only to realize in a later relationship, "no, this is the one." Which leads me to believe we have many loves in our life but only one love of a lifetime... the one that hits you and lingers on forever.
I'd love someone who walks through the door and greets me with a kiss.I don't want to have to ask, I want a lover who wants to kiss me every chance they get. Is it want or need? I want someone to hold, someone who wants to crawl beside me and talk or just lay there. Not someone who uses my dog as a shield or excuse not to be close. I read between the lines. If the want and desire is there it'll  happen. Sometimes, the dogs gotta' go. Respect.
I honestly don't know what I'm doing or who I'm trying to fool, myself. I can't be affectionate and all that she wants without anything physical... I don't know how long I can last. It's like saying "I'm in love with you but..." There's big but, a husband. I know this can't go anywhere unless she accepts the marriage is over and moves on or she finds it in her to do both. Her husband is the companion and I'm her lover... I am already with these feelings surrounding us both. Or am I a good escape? Somehow, a part of me believes that's a huge part for her, to escape here. Not so much hide out because I believe she knows that it's over and they're just friends, living together, going through the motions of being married, and taking care of the kids.
I can't tear myself away from her. If we're not together she's at my hand still. I wondered today how we can sit and talk and then when she leaves there's still more... it's like together but not and everything just comes so smoothly and natural and I feel myself smiling at the very thought of her. If she could just let things happen naturally. Going backwards is like having a taste of chocolate and then told you can't have all the chocolate but you can see it there within your reach.
How can I do this and make it work? How can I be being fair to myself knowing she doesn't want me, this relationship, and still be "present" for her. All day long we're in constant contact, no matter how far away she is, so what do I do. Go until I get so frustrated it kills something in me?
I was honest with a bit of laughter. The lavish lifestyle is too hard to give up on one hand and the kids on the other. I see vows but when the kids start noticing that the marriage isn't what it should be I believe it's time. I will not push anything because I do love her that much. I am content and happy now as long as I can get her lips. I hate asking for it though.... and if I didn't, it would never happen. I don't think she looks at me the same, with lust in her eyes. My kisses don't flush her face anymore. I fear she is just afraid to tell me the truth because she doesn't want to lose me. Time, give it time. Give it days. After April 6th's show I'm thinking about taking a break depending on how things go here this week. I love her but I must love myself more.