Just Venting so bipass this entry!

They say when you loan money out to think of it as a gift because 9/10 times you’ll never see the money again. Instant regret, ever feel that upon writing the check out, like you know you shouldn’t do it but if you don’t then you’ll feel like shit? Call me a dumbass for $1800 to Coleen… $1600 for her credit card after going to court but she lied about that because I heard her say $1500 something so she just wanted extra fucking money and 200 was supposed to be donated to my EX for doing the 3 day breast cancer walk… guess where that money is? Ha, I couldn’t even tell you! I wanted her to do the donation because Starbucks will match it, makes sense right? Well, trust but we all know how that goes. (of course I’ll get my money back after this, provided it’s not gone, vs. her doing what we planned because journaling about it will piss her off to much she won’t donate it.) I feel like such a dumbass because then I get treated like shit. I can’t even get TO my computer to change my DSL code vs. canceling it. I figure what am I doing when this girl doesn’t even want me? She actually came home and told me about some chick going into Starbucks. Now I know she’s a flirt, I am too, but there’s a sense of security knowing you’re with somebody and they look rather than knowing they’re “looking.” but even hearing that the other night I still gave her money. I felt like I OWED it to her because she does my morning care…. Most people get room and board for care, she gets room and board for a few hours care and not even the 4hour routine in the morning is for me, it’s 2 hours for me, 1 hour for her to go online in the morning, and another hour doing shit around here. Yes I get 3 cups of coffee maybe 4 during this time… so I do interrupt for help. This is why I need a morning aide because hopefully it’ll help my sanity, I’m throwing shit, water, ashtray, pills, we slack off and then don’t get done till 2 and I get frustrated because the next aide comes at 3, makes no GD sense… I need help, I’m not afraid to admit it. It must be fate because I found the therapists number today. I think that’s a sign.

Ahhh, ok, I don’t want to delete what’s already been written…. As most writers don’t want to go back and change things and other times changing makes it better. I had a cool off period and toked up, not that that helps really but this damn leg pain and I just don’t want to get higher than a damn kite just to ease the pain. Damn nurse wanted to do an abdomen check… I felt like taking my shit into her for proof there’s NOT a bowel problem, or too much medication, causing my pain. She hears I’m passing out and doesn’t hear the “from so much pain” part… any normal person would think if it’s muscle pain, cramps, it’s not from TOO MUCH medication but lack there of!! I’m not a friggin’ Dr and I know this much!

I hate venting about C but I need to and figure fuck it, like she said, she don’t care anyway. To me, anyone would care about their girlfriend, lover, going to court for money she can pay off but not to their $500 a month! It’s love and guilt that makes me do it. Love because I would do that for my girlfriend, guilt, because if I had a morning Aide she could work full time, she could now at an afternoon job? No fun in that though. I feel so confused because I feel like I should be treated differently than what I’m treated now… there is no reason for my temper and throwing shit, but it’s all I can do! It was awesome when C cleared the table the other day! She did better than me because she got everything on the table and pushed it across the room, my running the mess over created a bigger mess, but two thumbs up for her “temper tantrum!” See, I guess there’s a kid inside us all!! Our trip to the east coast is kinda planned… I’ll have to go back out there with somebody else and check out all the places I want to! This trip’s gonna be a quicky so I can save my money for the next trip or for something else. Sorry, I can’t sit and spend days with somebody’s family when I’ve seen just how fucking much they’ve done to her! I know we have our fights but like I said, I needed to vent, no doubt I’ll get the money back each week by C’s tips, it’ll be fine… her mom could’ve given her money just collecting $25,000 from lottery, she could offer to help with something, that’s why I was pissed when thinking before about the loan- ok, I’ll loan you money while you spend $100 on your mom, or $40 on a winter fucking jacket when it’s summer. After paying for this trip it does “pang” me a bit to hear about needless spending. I know it’ll work out, it always does… I’ve like 3 numbers to call back about nursing, pray!!