Not a Fool

              Instead of me making a fool out of myself writing this or that to her or her and ramble on only to realize it never should have been sent. I'll make a fool of myself right here, where no one usually see's.  At least with snailmail I could call Mickey and say, "There's a letter coming, don't open it." In the end it was always cleared for her to open. Then email... almost always irreversible. AOL used to have an unsend button but only to other members... found that out the hard way. Unsend, unsend, unsend, Oh shit!


I was surprised this week by the actions of those who say they're my friends. A few I know are not friends and I don't know why I keep them on FB if only not to start a bunch of gossip on why we're not friends. Buh-bye to you in my heart though. Another talked crap about another friend only to not talk to me after going out... and she said the other friend was low on the totem pole. I'd say... friends? Please, do point them out because I can't say I got one text today or yesterday from anyone. You can't tell me every thing's done through fucking FB now. Friends shouldn't rely on FB to say hi, hello, I'm thinking about you, How are you? Takes away from the personability of the friendship in the first place. 


I'm a fool who needs to correct herself and most don't know how quickly I can. I just won't write anymore or text... after 4 days of nothing that's a subtle hint to me to leave someone alone. I can only do so much on my end without anything reciprocated because I've learned there's always a reason why. I'm not a fool when I know your cell is glued to you or you at least check it from one activity to the next... so it's outright ignoring me. Sometimes I wish people could get the nerve to say "Leave me alone." 


Subtlety has never been me when it comes to coming out about my feelings but somebody really has to do a lot to catch me... and now I'm trying not to play the fool.  I'm trying not to write or text but I did today, I broke down and sent a text to make sure I wouldn't get blamed for not following through. Though let down I expected just as much but I did not expect silence. 




Letter to a Jane:
Now, for better days, I won't play the fool, I won't play at all, I can't continue down this painful fall. The silence you created between us only sets us further apart. I try getting close as your friend though I feel there may be more I don't know but I let go more and more knowing you can read me and not answer. If you've read me right you'd know friendship was all I was offering to you, all I could offer, and I thought I made it clear, overly clear. I embellish. I see what's not there. I take control even after my hearts lost it... because I don't want to be a fool.