All In

Life is interesting, you never expect what you're going to get. i never thought i'd be in a wheelchair forced to live by others rules... yet here i am almost 16 years later still here, still at the mercy of a caregiver everyday... and then one can hope the caregivers know what they're doing, that they speak english, and they don't have attitude. i try not to let my frustration get the best of me but when they're show something three times i just believe you should know it. goddess help me in the morning.
My emotional psyche is steadily getting torn. up at 1 in the afternoon and get put to bed at 8pm... not much of a life there as i see it. where is the quality of life there? i don't want to give up but me being at the mercy of the va has me following strict guidelines or i lose my benefits. if not for worrying about my care my life would be very satisfactory. right now, my decline is at stake.
It's been a few months now since i've talked to m. it hurts she completely shut me out but i'm guessing it was that she got a boyfriend... maybe even engaged. she's destined for someone great it just wasn't and won't be me. i think about her and know i love her still and always will no matter if she's in my life or needs me out. for her life to be healthy i guess i take the back burner as i always have. selfless love. i know distance  doesn't make the heart grow fonder but it doesn't stop the heart from feeling either. i was warned and still i fell.
Sometimes all seems hopeless, like now, but i know it has to get better. i have friends worse off than me and still continue laughing. they say you're only given what you can handle but what if that handle breaks off? what if we can't handle it anymore? i've gone on longer than what i've thought i could or ever would. thanksgiving's coming up... should i be thankful? knowing how i've lived the past 16 years, the struggles i've had, the close calls, the dying, the aides not showing up, the worry that if it snows someone may not be here.... but there's also the lessons you teach people, the inspiration, or just the smile to a stranger that says "i'm ok." i'm still all in.