My heads a mess if anyone could see. My hearts causing this conflict and I wish I could let go. Part of me keeps hanging on, not for a future but maybe something else. We've been through so much is it even possible to get it all back? I know I miss her touch and her lips. Today made me see that more than ever. All she did was lay back on the couch and I couldn't help but get aroused. Then of course the memory pops up of the couch which doesn't help. There's something about her I didn't choose to fall for her, it was gradually and then... You realize you've hit the floor.
Should I be upset over all she said to me in a night of anger? I can't. I'm more distraught over this guy yet I try to bottle it up because I know there's nothing to worry about and it's great musicianship. I try to put her first even if it hurts. Still,, things are different. I don't understand meeting here to "preparty," then going to the show separate yet leave together. Drives me nuts because I don't see the point in both driving. Other people she'll drive and they ride with. Is it me?
I can't say anything to her, so am I being myself? I like telling her I love her and if she's looking hot, sexy, or cute I like to voice it. I love touching her and miss feeling her soft skin. I miss her. I miss what was us. Her lips went perfectly with mine and she said the same, was that a lie? I'm so wracked in my head I wish I knew what was real to her and what wasn't.
I know I should stay away and with strength I'm hoping to I can't keep hurting myself just to give her what she wants. She's doing great while I'm struggling. Theres a hard knot in my tummy as I talk about walking away. I just love her too much.
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