Sleepless in Denver.

I fear too much has been said that this can't be undone. My love is still there, it hasn't just gone away. Throughout my head though I hear all the things that were said and not said. It all started when she not in so many words told me it wasn't me she was thinking about while masturbating. Now I wouldn't so much care If I wasn't led to believe that she was only thinking of me. She was kissing me up until Friday. I threw her attraction off. I think I need to think of all the negative to move on. Like the fact that she called me insane, a predator, that I took advantage of her. All the while she kept telling me she is a grown woman. She is no longer attracted to me or in love. She has told me her heart is not with me. So I'm only fooling myself here thinking there would ever be any kind of Relationship. Whether it be on the side or behind closed doors. I was willing to accept the latter. I was willing to wait because God only knows where anything would have gone. I was told we were having sex because of all the guilt and anxiety it brings to her because of being married. I wasn't told until we argued that she was no longer attracted to me, That her feelings all along were just confusion, That I took advantage of her at a weak point. All this inside her for weeks and she just strung me along. So strung that she was acting like my kiss turned her on just last week... And she can't understand why this would upset me.
I always thought I was easy to talk to you but she is afraid to talk to me. I believe this fear is just because she does not want to lose our friendship. Now, it's gotten so bad I don't think there's any going back. I've lost her. I never had her. I keep thinking of all The things she said before. How she has never known love like this. She brings out every emotion in me, But love should not be this hard and I wonder if it is just that way because she's married and can't give what she would like to give and what I would love... Her. We have always talked and then came around. This is different. I'm still hearing all these Negative things that were said. I'm glad I didn't say anything.
What was upsetting about the "crush," was her denial. And then instantly get mad because she thought I called up certain company... I don't understand. I understand it went too far. It was upsetting overhearing her talk about him yet totally deny it to my face. That's what upset me.
I thought she was like Michelle, Attracted to guys, And there was just something about me. I believe it's possible to love the person as a whole package no matter what the sex. I've even called her crush my "man crush" before. I get it.
I just can't believe it went where it did. I believe it's because we love each so damn much but can't be together. Then again what I have believed this far has only got me heartbroken.