Tomorrow, a reality I really don't care to know
Yesterday, just a memory hoping this would last
This morning, I woke up without you in my arms
It's time, it just passes us on by.
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I want to be honest with myself but I don't want to lose what I have. I grasp for the webs that are tangled as I unravel them. As I unravel myself. I'm still entangled, still intoxicated, still stuck here in this web that's gradually falling apart. I feel it in my bones, as my weakness dissipates and my eyes become clear. The spider is gone, done entangling me, done with the beautiful web it created. Somehow I feel a loss, the distance, the knowing this is not what is wanted. Knowing this web is unraveling only to set me free.
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Many days have been a struggle since the physical has stopped. I still wonder if it's the whole being with a woman. I hear "I'm straight," so where do I fit in then? I have a hard time listening to her talk about men as well as overhearing her go gaw Gae over a crush, boyfriend #1. I felt as if I shouldn't have been there. And to hear them talk about going on a trip for almost 2 weeks... their best friends so I get it... but then to say her and I couldn't go for a weekend somewhere or three days. Shit, we're together right now everyday and if not she's usually texting me. I didn't think either of us could hold out long but I proved myself wrong, five hours went by. I feel her distance today, barely texting, I know when somethings up... so do I beat it and simply take myself out of the equation?
A buddy stopped by today and made a good point about someone she was interested in who was interested in her but had a wife....... she was unhappy where she was at vs my buddy is free to be happy. She's the one stepping out to find love and happiness and my buddy wouldn't put up with the games... I get no games. I get bluntness, "You knew from the start I was married." Yes, so did you and did it stop? Are there still strong feelings without he sex? Most definitely. But I need to be strong for myself. If tomorrow her and her husband decided they could be free as long as it doesn't effect the kids it wouldn't be me she'd pursue, she wouldn't pursue anything but if anything were to happen it'd be a guy. Because of this alone I shouldn't be kissing her lips. I want her to want me and be happy with me but it'll never happen because of the guilt... I'd get over it after this long and if I found something that made me happy I'd stick with it. The honesty will come later. What do I know?
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