Holding on

I'm holding onto something that never will be, hoping the day will come she won't quit me. I try to pull her closer in but there lies my heart exposed only to be let go. I've held on this long and nothing gets easier, all i ever wanted was to please her. I am by doing this, what she wants I can't fully grasp. I know the situation, a complicated one yet not so... not so complicated when the choice is clear. My heart says one thing while my rational side says let go, move on so we can carry on. But it does no good, I ache without knowing she's "there" as we know we can be. Is it a matter of me stepping aside so she can rekindle something? It seems like more and more that might be happening and she'd say nothing where I would rather know. It would make it easier to let go. Their sleeping together again so something's going right. And a week long trip is coming so there's no questioning. Why would it bother me? Because it's a clear sign things are over? I don't know. She never asked me to wait to see what might be. Maybe she never seen me as anything but a friend she's slept with, kisses, and fell in love with. I question myself as if I'm going to get some answers from within. Everyday the same thought crosses my mind for one reason or another, let her go to rebuild with him. She'll never let go anyway... so what am I doing to myself? To her? Of course she's getting what she wants, I'm here for her at anytime, there's nothing physical except a few pecks, she knows I'm still in love with her. I will be for a while... I'm not like some who can move on 2 or 3 weeks later. All I want is her but her anxiety and guilt over being dishonest drives her away. I wish she could be honest with him. Then again, if she doesn't have those feelings anymore I'm with her, nobody needs to know. There were a few that said they could tell just by looking at her how much she felt for me. It's hard to give in and give up. I still try and still comment but to do that to someone who doesn't want it, I need someone who does. I need to be able to wrap my arm around someone, touch them if it's just a slight swipe of the hand, kiss them whenever I want that's appropriate. I need someone who see's me and says "Hi" with a kiss because they want to not because I ask. I need someone who shares the same feelings, enjoys the same things, and has the connection that we do. Someone I can hold and wants to be held. Someone I can spoil and not think twice if it'll go to waste. I don't need to have sex to have a relationship but it might be nice to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm stuck. She is all I want and all I need but it's time, it's time, it's time to move on. My love.