Stay or Stray?

My mind races and I wonder what to do with it besides write. Maybe that's all  i should do is fill notebook's upon notebook's full of unpublished gibberish. Maybe I'm not meant to do much except live life to the fullest i know... except when it's cold out my fullest includes coffee, cigarettes, smoke, and a movie! And maybe I'm not meant to figure everything out and just let things happen. Summer's coming so we don't want any tie downs it's meant for fun. I'm not even going to but 2 shows at Red Rocks this year, kind of sad really. Locals!
Speaking of locals, Congratulations to my Blackout ladies and the fab duo I'm With Her for making The Westword Music Showcase. Good things, good things. Am I lucky? I don't know. I thought i would let go but i keep getting sucked in. I've excuses but maybe those need to stop too and be the strong one. I am weak when she says anything at all and her kiss still makes me breathless and dizzy. If I see her flushed I'm doing something right. Her lips are not mine like I thought nor her body nor her heart. I couldn't keep it and the void I feel I can hardly express.
I knew things would happen, being married also has a physical side. I thought I could handle it but not talking about it is almost worse than guessing or wondering... So i just have to believe it's happened. No married couple is going to go 3 months without sex, do they? Things have gotten better and I should be happy, part of me is but the part that's in love with her wants to flee. I heard her finally laugh at a text, from him, that's good. That's a positive thing. So where do I stand when she tells me nothing has changed, she still feels the same feelings, still loves me? What do I do? Stand beside her, loving her, kissing her, falling further, but waiting... and waiting for what? Her to decide to have me on the side as she wants? For a split? For a mutual understanding? She says she's an honest person... not with her heart if it is with me and not with her husband. She can be honest with everyone except him. Well, honesty wouldn't be chalking this relationship up to "two friends that love each other deeply." Perhaps that's my answer there... so then what was I?
I can do without having sex for a while, the art of kissing can be so much more intense... with the right person. Perhaps my wishes should be that I never fell for someone married. It wasn't a choice, it just happened. Flirting turned into something so much more. I was told now she knows what love is supposed to feel like. Why stay in a loveless unaffectionate marriage? Two reasons, kids and finances. God knows I don't make enough and her style of living... she would never be happy with me. Who am I kidding? Sure I saw down the road with her but knowing she was married I never thought about "forever," I only thought season to season.. like what we'll do this Summer.
I still want her by my side but she no longer misses our time together. I don't hardly say "I miss you" anymore because I know either she doesn't feel it or won't say it. I thought about living this week out and then when she goes away, I go away. It seems like a easy solution. I can't bear the thought... she'll be kept busy and preoccupied so I'm trying to do the same. Can't even sneak a call with a phone card. I'll live, I'll get back in my groove and then see her at some show. It seems to be the answer as I write. I can maybe then, after that long, give her what she wants... a Bestie? Or will I still look at her with lust in my eyes? Something about her just gets me excited in an instant. I don't know if I'll find this again... I will, someday. It just took so long to find her and to feel this strongly and to let go... unfair to myself. It took years to free myself from Michelle and I'd be lying if I said I still don't love her, but this here, this relationship goes beyond what we had. Will it take years to get over her? Not if I try engulfing in someone else. Even if I was just a player, though how can I be, I can't sleep around, but I can kiss around. It won't feel the same as her lips which matched mine touch for touch and all the feelings that went with it. Who knows, she may return and plant one on me that says all I need to know. It's in a kiss.
Now to rest my eyes and hopefully my mind.