release...

each day i think i'm better than i was before, a better person. i know being paralyzed has helped me on insight others may never get and see things some may not. i may not feel as much physically but i feel that much more emotionally. i wonder if that's the case for everyone disabled... i bet not. maybe the gemini/cancer in me enhances things. my feelings are effected too easily and what i do with them at times isn't good....
     ....so i come here tonight instead and write, a much healthier choice. i can't control people and i try too hard to make things happen when really if people want them to happen they will. i feel like retreating again but i know i can't retreat anymore than i have. i should just hunker down and stay in the rest of winter... hermit... introvert... no friends to go do anything with. it seems all my friends are married or coupled off so i go out alone if i go anywhere... nobody calls me to go do anything even though i'm fully capable and have proven i can get out and stay out later... i thought that would make a difference at one point and now i see that it doesn't. the only time i ever met anyone out was when shit was going on with ali... then it mattered.
                    ..........i wanted to get out this feeling i have inside... selfish or not i want it out in the open.... it's hard being the one who gets everyone together but then not be included if the get together isn't planned by you. it hurts and sends a message of who's important to "you" on a regular basis.... even i have forgotten to invite people but i try to be more conscience of it now... even when i'm out and didn't do the inviting. i just feel i have to get it off my chest with one person in particular and it'll burn a bridge probably but if we were really friends we'll see each other again. i guess i need to be done with a few parts of my life and readjust... i need to readjust my life and way of thinking again.
.....this is the me i don't like, the me i need to fix.... there's always something to fix or better or grow from... that's it, there's always room for growth because we are ever changing as the times change... our views open up... hearts become more open... those who close their hearts become bitter lonely people... that is not me... i might feel lonely sometimes but not all the time... i can't see incorporating anyone into my life because i'm too independent and stuck in my ways... let alone i smoke and stay up till 2 am.

and now that the butterflies have all settled and my nerves are less rattled i'll go watch a movie or something that's not going to provoke too much thought.....
                                         ....goodnight.