Another late night. I knew I shouldn't of drank that caffeinated coffee. Now I'm wide awake and keep thinking about someone I would rather not. I've been good so far about not saying anything and not acting on anything. I don't think I could ever make the first move either way. I never had the guts to do that... is there something wrong with me? I don't think I miss out on much. I always think I'm put into the "friend" category and leave it up to the other person to take me out of there. I've been told that's a two-way street sometimes. How do we ever know if someone feels the same unless they're blunt?
Tonight I'm caught, between the present and something in the past that could never be because it never was. What was fun before puts thoughts in my head about what could be right now. At times I feel a spark but pass it off as miscommunication. It's even harder when the spark lies with the past and inhibits the present and future.
A few of my problems have always been being too emotional... feeling things that aren't really there.... Not being able to live in the present, though I've gotten a lot better with that I still have further to go.
I usually find it's better to write it out, my kind of problem solving or meditation.
I believe the saying is true, distance does make the heart grow fonder. Too bad it doesn't take it away. You would think I would know better after Michelle in Wisconsin. There's another case of something that was but nothing that ever was. There's one person that cut me and still has a piece of me 20 years later. I'd like to say I'm in love with somebody from the past and that she is as different as I am when we feel for each other. Who knows if those same butterflies would be there if we seen each other tomorrow. I'm not fooling myself.
Figuring all this out at 2 AM is just not going to happen but hopefully now I can fall asleep....
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