Ventalicious...

So much has come to light. I love still, in many ways, and the one I thought I was so in love with is showing more of who she is. I didn't voice my thoughts before they were confirmed.. "You think that too?!" 

I miss so much but right now I feel how selfish things are and I've this debate in my head over what to do. How long can we last like this? She's about to lose my friendship any day too. I haven't seen her since... Monday and she wasn't even out to see me. It seems she's doing much better than me with not seeing each other but then she has alot to preoccupy her. 

It's been all week and she could have even extended an invite to her house just to sit outside like we do here. What's funny is she has invited two others. And I believe she's ignorant to the fact that I can and like to go to the pool. 

This is my venting. It feels as if she is a friend who calls you when she has no one left to call. Luckily her marriage is going great and he wants to spend more time with her as well as they've plans together, a more futuristic goal. I'm happy for her as I never wanted anything more luckily. I knew I wanted an affair and fun it's just awful what it's boiled down to. I feel I've also lost my best friend. My best buddy tries helping and I love that about her and her wife. 

Ahh, and now I can breathe.