who plays a fool?

I’ve the doors song “this is the end” in my head for some reason… maybe due to a friend fucking up things between lolli and I. friend? Even lolli had to leave the house to talk to “someone.” Duh. I want things to work but this friend isn’t much for it and is almost making this a me vs. her. I’m trying not to pull away from loolli but it’s hard. Trust is a big thing and simply saying “I’m not a cheater” doesn’t mean they won’t. when all day she’s txt’ing and I’m writing and get “I don’t feel good,” somethings up. I don’t even want to look at her right now… why be here, with me, and txting all day? It’s hard not to be distant… plus I’m stuck in bed watching shit I don’t want to, have even stated I’VE a show coming on, said put the movie out in the other room, and still here I am typing. It’s hard not knowing what to do….. I should’ve never shared anything. Because the openness isn’t a two way street!

I finally found someone I’m attracted to but it seems like so much is against us. Her being a bartender, but I feeel like I can trust her there… if all goes well for her. Maybe it’s like I said, I’m just for the time being or a nice fill in, cuddle buddy and she’s just confused. I’d like those thought’s to be gone but even sitting here writing almost iin tears does nothing. Should that tell me something? Tonight I’m actually looking forward to the night aide coming. I haven’t since we met. I feel like the fool here where my “friend” says she is. I’m too nice, I’m even loaning this friend van since her car blew up… still, I do it cuz I’m a sucker and a fool at the same time.

Great, and now my aide’’ll be late and he’s my savior right now. I know I’ll support the two of them with whatever they decide. I know lolli already said she feels friienddship for her I know the other feels more. Trust. I know I need try not letting my fears pull me away but it’s hard when she’s next to me txting her these huge long messages… after me sharing all mine and my emails… regret. I should’ve never sid anything. After a month I’m still introduced as “friend” even though she says she knows what she wants… and I’m the one with fear. I don’t know who’s more confused… to me she is. Day to dahy knowing what she wants then not knowing what she wantts… oy, all this and I should’ve just kept it all hidden…. But then how did it aall start, a kiss? Really I wonder if we both knew the same time we wanted more? Like I said, she sat on my lap to keep warm or me warm and I knew right then.

I don’t want to stop writing but my aide’ll be here any minutte. Yeah yeah, I know, trust, talking, and don’t push away over stupid shit. I shall try… shall I prevail?/