Love is and Love just isn't

I figured it’d be least likely anyone would read this since it’s been so long. I hate how things are going. I met someone up at 7th Ave Café and then I thought I’d surprise Coleen at work today but she wasn’t there. I think everyone else was and I felt a bit awkward once in there, her fatass boss acted like she couldn’t see me waiting for this group of people by the door to open it- all workers at Starbucks. Becky said hi and asked how things were going, however sincere, I said they were awesome just had to make it home by 2:30 (for locksmith!) Now I’ve all new keys and I can’t set it out w/out changing my code to which I don’t know how.

Now, tonight I was getting sick where I came close to hitting the ER button, much like Sat night, and where is she when she tell’s me to call for help? With her friend, which is fine, but shit, even her friend knows Coleen’s lied to me about using my van to bail her out at 2am even 4am, but when I honestly come to the point of being hospitalized vs. someone coming over and unlinking my catheter or giving me a sugar rush because something unexpected happened and the nurse couldn’t be here till 8:30. I put my feet above my head, layed all the back with a smoke saying “if I’m going out I’m going out with a cigarette!” it would’ve fallen to floor or simply burnt my fingers. I was ok after a while but she taught me a ;lesson, hell she even answered her phone and I TOLD her what was wrong. I don’t think I can even look her in the eye because she’d see my hurt and anger, which is ultimately hurt if ya break it down. I honestly have tried but she’s been unwilling to try… should I say not wanting- for a very long time now I’m finding out oddly enough. When you get two peoples stories and they’re mixed who’s do you believe? The lieing, cheating, physical, verbal, stealing…. What I never knew. Yes yes, I’m swearing anyone met via the internet off! Funny but not. I’m swearing other things off too but it’d be harsh for me to list them. And no, anyone thinking race… I’m actually talking to this milky chocolate long haired yummy so don’t go there… so far there’s no attitude but then maybe it’s a matter of class or coast or fuck if I know? Anyway, it’s bedtime, movie time. I hope anyone that did read this knows I just needed to vent in a somewhat forgotten place. I hate missing her. I hate feeling love for her still after everything… she quite plainly told me “she does not WANT to do anything with me,” then wants to go to best buy… yupp, her girl can go with her, she’s rich enough to haul her around and pay for gas, I guess I got tired of it after 2 years and even more knowing it wasn’t going where it was supposed to be and the inside gets fucked up but the last person who borrowed it won’t own up to it. I hate the lies I can count! I hate that I’ve still much more letting go to do. I hear a new name and think yupp, just met her, no, just never said anything about her.

Ugh, ok, I need relax w/ a movie. Love is a battlefield for sure! Love creates blindfold’s for sure! Love makes you feel guilt. Love… I give up on it for a long time again, another 2 years??

yeah, i've been on myspace instead, follow the link at the botttom and you'll see....